Today i’ve turned off all the kitchen lights, and am typing by computer screen, sparkle lights and a damp grey morning. soft wool.
people are really lovely, they really are. above all. cashmere.
and still, yesterday i almost crawled back into my bed while the kids were here. it can be done, but i can only handle it when there is no will left in my body, and vomit is coming forth.
so i must have some will left in my body while the fog is here. i stay out of bed while kids are here. old school corduroy, stiff, scratchy.
but man, this grief is hitting hard this year. and its been five years, so there isn’t a real trigger, except in realizing how much time has passed and how mad i am at my dad for not being here for these five years, and how i would really like to have him around, mad or not. and how i still look for him everywhere. piles and piles of washed cotton, cold and damp.
its been a big five years.
i think i’d still be unhappily married if it weren’t for what his death showed me. it uncovered the truth of my unhappiness. the untrustworthy man, the unreliable man, the inexplicable man that i was married to brought Bold in the loss of what in many ways was his opposite. the things i loved so about my husband were washed out by the things which really make him ‘not the marrying sort’… no matter how many times he tries.
and here i am, swamped into the tub, barely reaching the lip to see out. turning down work, or asking for delays while i sink. flannel.
its been a big five years. plasticwrap. (not fabric, but still. how it feels.)
I’ve been having a very difficult time focusing in the past couple of days. I had a friend come visit over the weekend and it was lovely. but i had work to do, and didn’t do it. and i still have work to do, and am still not doing it. (evidence? this. right here. in front of you.)
Its the holidays, its the car, its the surreal nature of all of life. i feel very disassociated from it, and in my fog i await january. and so i have a hard time getting things done.
its the anniversary-time of my father’s death five years ago, so my family is feeling different levels of the same thing, so there is no one readily at hand to snap me out of it.
and i’m not entirely sure that they could, even if they existed.
I’m not doing the article i need to do. this will have repercussions.
i’m not going grocery shopping for the deluge of family that will arrive on saturday. this will have repercussions.
somehow in my fog i know i’ll get it all done anyhow, or at least the minimum will get done… but i think i need some dissipating breeze… a whiff of something-not-turkey.
maybe you’ll just find me again in January.
I posted this photo on instagram that i literally do not recognize as myself. I’m going to share it here because it is an experience of being in the fog, literal. I do not know who that person is. for real.
it snowed last night. Around here, its really early for a first snow. and it was at night when it happened, so that whole lovely ‘first snow’ feeling never happened. and it just reminded me so much of the winter wherein the snow never melted and we all went a little crazy, like northern maine crazy… jack nicholson crazy.
so there is that feeling upon waking up… trapped.
and yesterday i laid down a cool 4 thousand dollars to keep my car on the road for another few years. now, unlike the new fridge of a month or so back, there is no glory feeling, no feeling of accomplishment. money was fished out of the sock drawer and the credit card was used.
and the car is still full of kidcrap, and it is all very very unsatisfying. they had to move everything out of the trunk (why? WHY?) so all that crap is now in the backseat of my car, staring me right in the face. and it snowed last night, so i don’t really want to deal with it today.
whatever. i’m morose, and dealing with it. at this point, i’ve felt most of the nontraumatic feels i am going to feel in my life, and i’ve bounced from every single one. so i’ll bounce from this.
I’m eating cashews for breakfast and lunch and that’ll take me a long way back towards pleasure.
i’m back on the dating sites. one guy just asked me to send him money. for real. another guy? i thought i’d be going out with him tonight, to hang out and be new friends. but no, he disappeared. and its not the first time, for him, or in general.
and there’s no crush, my feelings aren’t hurt… its just mildly disappointing and a little confusing. i’m not really a big fan of being confused.
and i would have preferred to not add confusion to the morose.
OH man, when you start to understand even the tip of the iceberg of how much data is being collected about us, and how we are being swayed… it is actually frightening.
i’m using an archaeologist’s brush on the bones of this thing… thats how little i am digging in… and i KNOW a new level of freaked out.
and maybe its all innocent, just marketing, you know? just businesses trying to sell their wares, at its simplest…
But when i browse rotary dial phones on my phone, and then facebook decides to do the same, and instagram suddenly feels i should maybe check out these new phone sites… its all part of a mad sweep affecting my entire world. and this one? this was an experiment.
lets talk political persuasion. i’m liberal, all the news i see is horrified by our president. he’s crazy, he’s doom. i’m conservative, all the news i see is horrified by the liberals. they are crazy, if they get power, they’ll lock the government down in gridlock.
the larger question of free will vs. data manipulation is legit.
especially as we roll into the Mecca of Mega Consumerism, otherwise known as the Birth of Jesus.
seriously, the hypocrisy of some religious folks right here is HIGH. but aside from that. ( i can’t claim hypocrisy on this one because my faith is only mustardseed big and i make no claims to be a true believer… there are millions of things i am hypocritical about, but not this one..)…
when the digression is bigger on the inside than the subject from which you have digressed? what then?
BUT ASIDE FROM THAT.
what do your kids want? did they see it on a commercial? did they see it in a youtube? who sold it to them? because someone DID… directly.
i’ve been trying to learn the facebook ads system. facebook. that which people my age look at almost daily, if they have it at all. so, an advertiser makes note of your age, preferences, connections and shows you an ad. if you click on it, you enter a new select group, which they can target with another series of ads… its all automated, there’s nobody looking at you as an individual… you’re just a stat.
if you’ve ever looked at a gap ad, you’re on a list… if you looked at that cool boot in the middle of your page, in that super cool green color, you’re on a list… those cool science box clubs that arrive once a month? you’re on the box club list…(i’ve seen it!) i can target any list or demographic i want to …so so specifically… and just show my ads to you…
imagine what i could do if i had a political persuasion and an audience receptive to my point of view. imagine if i particularly wanted to sway them.
its been proven time and time again that ads work.
time and time.
just be careful out there friends. what you think you want, might not be a free will decision… your data collection has commenced.
just be careful.
(if you click on MY ads, here on this blog, you’ll give me some dollars, so go ahead, leap into the fray, if you already live there….otherwise… )
i’m doing all this editing of so many different things lately… its inflating my sense of authority to ridiculous levels. and words, words, words… perspicacity. pernicious.
ooooh. i wonder how hard i’d have to work to type a word you had to look up. hm.
but i’ve got other things to do, and you all are smart and pretty damn well-read, as far as i can tell. so i’m going to turn my energies elsewhere.
here’s another list, because i am out of morose, and out of extremely seamless gratitude. . . . .
lists make me happy.
car is still in the shop. they have to take the engine out and still don’t know whats wrong. who can forsee a problem? hmm?
i haven’t used my credit card in a long time, but i will. soon.
i have my own new word for the week.( at least) … here it is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………DRIFT.
so many dots, because otherwise the automatic numbering system was going to utterly defeat me.
my baby turned 6 yesterday, and we had such a lovely time with a bunch of six year olds in the house, and grandparents and color… so much color… and gumballs… she hates cake, so we have ice cream sundaes in teacups… and so much more color…