What have you learned this week?

  1. My mom likes me, doesn’t always get me but loves me anyhow.
  2. Sometimes i am too quick.
  3. You CAN eat too many mushrooms.
  4. Its hard to stay up til midnight waiting to see if you can get a ps5. I don’t have the stamina and I don’t care and $500 is a fuckton of money for videogames. He’s going to get a blanket and and IOU for Christmas. Are people really nonchalant about $500? I’m not feeling nonchalant and I’m glad I couldn’t find it, but don’t tell him. I’d be happy to spread the cost out over another month. I’m not proud of this sharing, as I think I basically don’t want to buy this thing, and am anyhow. This is complicated and look how stupidly lucky I am to hem and haw over it.
  5. I need help this Christmas. Not with money, but with thought. The kids will have significantly less under the tree because we will have no guests, and so the mom in me is trying hard to envision ways to make it special. They have an unwrapping day at their dads the day before, so I’m already playing catchup and fill in the blanks here. I’m feeling overly ‘singlemom’ about this. How do I make magic??
  6. Every year I kindof think I will do something on Black Friday but every year I stay in my pajamas. and this year? Jesus. of course I’m home.
  7. Christmas crackers? Those British cylinders of goodness that whacko Americans are co-opting for some holiday pleasure? They are called crackers because they make noise. Deafie here never knew. Always wondered but never knew. Learning curves are dizzying.
  8. Pajamas with the addition of my apple dress for warmth mean I look entirely nutso. I think I’m going to go hang out on the porch with a martini glass and just shoot the shit with the birds. Glass will be empty because I don’t really drink and my god, its the morning, and really, martinis have made me vomit in the past. I just want to entertain the neighbors driving by. I’m generous like that.
  9. I can’t always access my inner life. Like, that golden bit in the middle? I’m working on it, honestly, but half-heartedly at the same time, because it can be overwhelming to be in touch with it. Burning bush, right? Doesn’t actually sound that appealing, does it?
  10. I love puzzles. I do. I forget they exist, all the time, even when the puzzle table is just three feet away. But when I remember them, I have to fight myself not to do them all in one sitting. This one, currently, is my littlest’s, and finishing it would be flat-out cruel. But I want to, and I’m perseverating on it. Damn devil of a thing.

Thats all, these are the things I am learning, have learned, am in the process of sharing, with you, who are also learning.

Sigh. What have you learned, my troops? What have you learned today, this week?

Apple dress. Clearly not feeling vain today. (omg)


Thanksgiving Day 2020

I know we’re all (hopefully) doing something really pared down this year.

It hasn’t changed what is yummy for me, though I am going to miss some cranberry bread and some yeasty rolls that my aunts bring on the weekend after. I will take solace in the three pounds I do not gain, kindof. So here we go. Feel free not to read on if you don’t love the foods. Though I might judge you for it.

  1. Stuffing. Better than all the rest. Scoop it out, toss the bird.
  2. Gravy. MMM. on everything.
  3. My mom makes these mushrooms that she’s doing today, just for the two of us, that are so gluttonous and incredible, I cannot even tell you. This will make up for the three pounds I will not gain on Saturday, because I do not predict leftovers now that I don’t have to be conscious of sharing. By the way, leftovers are enjoyed with poached eggs for breakfast the next day. Its the most heavenly ever. Seriously, saliva is pouring out of my face.
  4. Gingerbread pudding. Yep. I haven’t even tried it yet but I know I’m going to have a hot cup of coffee around 5, with a dollop of gingerbread pudding, maybe with real whipped cream on top. This will crown the day. Don’t need no damn pie.
  5. I’m not a drinker, but I will sip some portuguese port by a fire with my mom today. This will be savored. She’ll bring out the little glasses. Once a year baby.
  6. There will be rainbow carrots from my farm, which I am so pleased about. I love being able to take a gift from one loved one to another. This is the bounty.
  7. I’m in charge of mashed potatoes once the bird comes out all roasty goodness. I add sour cream and butter and garlic salt. You? Its frigging fantastic. The stuffing, the gravy, all adding up to a perfect bite.
  8. There will be black olives on the table. Because of that time I was little, and hiding under the table and managing to eat an entire dish of them. And I still love them. There is so much history in this day. so much. new and old.
  9. I’ve texted my kids already this morning. This is a little bit weird, but I’m thankful its not the first time I’m away from them, because that would not be manageable this year, I don’t think. Though I’ve managed everything so far, so maybe I’d have been fine. But THANKFULLY, I didn’t have to find out. hmm. crisp clear water. yes, I’m thankful for it. Its the best of the palate cleansers.
  10. We went small, clearly, so there are only two cheeses on our appetizer plate and therein lies the three pounds, which I am so happy about. Oh man. I’m drooling already and I’m 10 miles and an hour away from its beginning.

Hoping to watch Singing in the Rain today. We shall see. Love to you all. I’m pretty thankful that I’ve got this forum to share in, and I’m thankful anytime anyone reads it. I really am.



Ghosts. What do you carry with you?

  1. I’ve made the cardinal into the symbol of my dad, or he has, I’m not sure. But it stands; when I see one, I remember him. There is a cardinal couple who live in my yard, so I see them often, though often in unexpected places. He was a good dad, human, with flaws that were visible. When I remember him, I am helped, in whatever I am doing. I feel comforted. This is a very good ghost to have.
  2. I’ve been having anxiety dreams about my old marriage. I’m waking up thinking of bad times and its not a whole lot of fun. ‘Tis the season. (not a great ghost.)
  3. Along with the anxiety dreams, my brain has been tripping on old conversations. I don’t entirely understand it, as it is one-sided, clearly, and I have absolutely no interest in engaging ever on these subjects again. Past is past. Is a ghost sucking the life out of me? For those minutes, yes.
  4. I’ve got to deliver a turkey to my mom this morning, so she can get it ready for tomorrow. It will just be the two of us, and thats allright. My kids are with their dad, and thats allright. But I tell you, if I see pictures on social media of large family gatherings, my feelings will not be allright.
  5. Ghosts are heavy. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Heavy. Lay them down. Don’t carry anything but your own damn self. Past is past. Shake it off. Dance to the fucking pop song.

I’m out. five is all i can do today, and i’m going to lay it down. boom.


NOVEMBER NONO: TwentyFOUR. Grateful.

Yeah, yeah, a gratitude one.

  1. I guess I’m grateful that teenager’s moods flip on a quarter toss. Because the shit flies as fast as the good. Right? I guess. The way in which they need you even while hating you is a little bit soul-breaking.
  2. I think I’m grateful that there are so many blankets in this house. At least for this six month season of needing them to stave off winter chills. I am aware that I may be a hoarder of warmth-bringers.
  3. Its probably why I like men so much, and keep collecting them. Warmth-bringers. I am grateful for my flexibility and nonjudgmental ways with them. It can be fun, and yes, there are duds. But also diamonds.
  4. I am pretty grateful for my curious ways. I’ve learned a lot about myself every year this past decade, and its not always been smooth, and I’m still curious. More curious now than I was while I was married, but I’m less hurt now. When you’re wounded, you don’t look around in wonder.
  5. I’m amazed by my kids, on the daily, even when they are outraged by my saying no. Teenagery is a bitch, a real, flat-out bitch. I’m grateful, like I already said, that I can see the childlike behind the bitch.
  6. I’m grateful for color, it pulls me out of my inner mudmunch all the time. And still, my favorite thing is to stare at the cast-iron black at my feet and know that there is fire within. Always fire within.
  7. I’m incredibly grateful that in all this pandemic time, economics hasn’t been a stressor on me. Aware, yes but not a stressor. I cannot believe my luck and my gratitude is deep for the lawyers who have set this up.
  8. I’m grateful for the super goofiness that I’ve encouraged (created?) in my kids, because it saves us all, and me, in particular. I love it so much.
  9. I’m grateful that my vanity about myself is incredibly random, as almost everything about me is. It has enabled me to gloss over my discontent with certain things. Meaning, minute to minute I forget that I’ve gained so much weight this year. Then I remember, then I let it go, and it stays gone til I remember again. Its a miracle.
  10. I’m grateful for indoor plumbing and heating. The virus has not effected either, and I am inordinately glad.

Now you. Do yours.


NOVEMBER NONO: TwentyTHREE, loveletters

What do you love, my cheerios? What do you love?

  1. letters. I love cards and letters and packages, all. I love when the mailperson is bringing love and doesn’t even know it. A circular of joy. Junkjoy.
  2. thunderstorms. There is one going on here now, as I type. Oh my goodness, I love them. The thrill of uncertainty, the noise, the pound. BOOM. chills.
  3. making stuff. Its not even something I do that often anymore, but I do love it so. And I love watching other people do it, and I love thinking about the simplicity beneath all of it. How many crafts are just a variation of tying a knot? You know? Embroidery, knitting? I love it. Use your hands. Use them.
  4. funny people. OH HELLS YES.
  5. my dog. Honestly, I’ve been resisting loving him because there are so many people around me, but oh brother, I do. I love my dog. He’s a full-on reprobate.
  6. healthcare workers. The hospital doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, orderlies, cnas, all of them who have been working like this for eight months now, and are still trying to have lives outside of work. I’ll have a wierd week this week, but damnit, I wish I could send you the little resilience I have. You’re holding us all up right now.
  7. pam. I love my friend pam. She’s my bestie. She is a nurse in Wisconsin. So dig that. She’s number 6 and number 7, and also number 4. She’s shorter than me, too, and yet not a person with dwarfism, so she is rather amazing. She’s got a kid named Carter who draws a lot. I haven’t seen her in a long time. but man, she is good.
  8. first snowfalls. I may be getting repetitive in my lists, but seriously, a love list? again? How can there be too many? FIRST SNOWFALLS!! Everyone is thrilled, whether they have the wits to recognize it or not.
  9. darkness. Really, it is true, especially in winter, in storm. The storm is making it dark outside, dark in the corners of my kitchen. And in the darkness, the lights I’ve got sprinkled throughout the house are magical. And fierce.
  10. A friend sent me a bookplate for the book she wrote that I STILL cannot find anywhere. But this is what it said, “To Kate, fierce, funny and great. the internet is terrible but I am glad it brought me you.” Kerry Clare
    SO I SAY TO YOU ALL: I am glad it brought me you!!