i’m moving away a little from the shock and awe that caused this post, but it did, I had it.
my LM had a less than stellar response to a very old friend of mine who is related to my ex. I mean, his reaction was twofold, 1. A person who clearly loves me. 2. a very judgemental, class-oriented, conflicted criticizer.
now, these things are both true. but when you have loved someone for so long, you have a tendency to gloss over things, and put them on a pedestal of sorts.
there are so many questions;
*am I okay with this judgement because i’m usually on the winning side? ultimately, this one is a humdinger.
*I’ve always brushed off the criticisms, because of the longevity of the relationship and the humor that also always resides.
*how much do i let LM change my opinions? or am i just seeing the whole world in a new light? with a new mate who is not informed by decades of history?
*was it an incomplete love in the first place? that allowed me to do the glossing? can i absorb the new and complete version and still maintain the love and the pedestal?
how the hell do we love each other? we, complex, multiply-layered bodysacks of confusion? c’mon now… HOW?
I hate to start a post with i’m sorry but here it is. its summer, and i’m sorry.
A. i’m a sorry hot mess.
but I found an AC with LM for fifty dollars that is cooling off my entire house. and i’ve never had so much AC in my life, ever. i’ve been blowing a fuse daily and now the AC is blowing a fuse daily. i’m not sure what that means. but I should google it. right? i’m definitely willing to accept travelling into the basement as a daily exchange for cool air.
B. I can’t really handle no routine.
but i’m not willing to fight in the heat to keep one, so there is that. and outside forces like the kids having a father who lives in town and friends and such, keep activities still happening, some days. sometimes. its too hot, I just don’t care.
C. i’m a sorry, hot mess.
c1. LM is still the Loveliest Man. and that is that, but having someone who wants to be a partner and actively pursues partner-y things is giving me a lot of therapy issues. like, why did I never have this before? was married for 14 years. it makes me want to cry because I think I should go back and fix it with my younger self. she makes me so sad. c2. he says i’m his best friend. why do I find it inconceivable that a man could be a real friend? (there’s some issues in me that are around dark corners.) why was I married to someone for 14 years who never felt like my friend? deep wells of sadness.
D. its the beginning of July. I’m not sure I’ll make it through August.
reference all of the above. knowing that the AC in the house will change things, and maybe I will survive after all. maybe.
E. I have a job outside of the house.
I really like it but it is completely not AC. I mean, i’m totally outside, though in shade. but I love it. I sell produce. Its dreamy. Really. Its only 10 hours a week with like 14 hours of child care wrangling each week, but still. a job. motion. rumbles in the farmstand jungles.
i say it all the time, and its true, we all can feel it bearing down on us at times.
this week has been busy. i chose not to write. so things have looped themselves around my intestines, looped themselves around my valves, and i am laid low.
only marginally laid low, but truth and what rings in words are not ALWAYS the same thing. but i do a very fair job at telling truth or my pieces of it, here and in type and longhand as well.
yesterday was my birthday, and work had a glitch so i missed writing for the catch-up i needed to get done at-speed in order to paint with my daughter, which was one of my birthday wishes.
its the one day of the year where i really prioritize myself right over everything else. and, as it happens, my own self desires my children. go figure.
so i forced them to eat cake and icecream. and to start painting the playhouse, and the chicken pallet fence. the girls have made an incredible icecream puddle swirl of color on the back of the playhouse and we should all live so well.
i love you. thanks for touching base when you do.
The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
It is Thursday. I’m going to call that the middle this week, defying all convention. but you know, seven doesn’t divide neatly on a calendar anyhow, so don’t send the hit squad, please.
Summer started here on Tuesday at noon.
Which means, for me, three kids in the house all the time, likely possibility of it being five at any given moment. Five feels like seven, believe me. Some of this i typed last time i posted. bear with me.
summer brain is like pregnancy brain.
there is a great deal of uncertainty about things that were formerly quite absolute. and i’ve arrived there. took a day and a half.
yesterday, on a wednesday, the loveliest man (LM) and i put together a pallet fence to protect the chickens-to-be from predators. Because, it turns out, I really like having chickens, for the comfort of their feathers, the curve of their eggs and even their confounding stupidity. i remain uncertain as to whether god made a mistake in their pea brains, or not. but don’t tell god i said that.
i made a pallet fence.
and there is much to do, to wire up the whole thing against digging critters, but it makes my whole place look distinctly farmy and delightful in a way i would never truly have expected in my life. (its sort of how i feel right now about LM in general, although he is definitely not farmy) Its delightful, and I’m going to paint it purple. (not the LM)
Honestly, the pallet fence was so easy, i feel like i need to fence in all the things. stand em up, brace them together and you are done. chickenwire in the ground will happen in the run during the next dry day.
i’m going to fence in my kid who turns 14 at the end of this month. he’s so in it, the life, that i already miss him, and he’s here. so, a paddock it is.
i’m going to fence in the LM, because i barely know how to handle such loveliness and sometimes i need a pause to gather all my panicking feathers.
i’m going to fence in my middle E because he is growing towards 14, and is so independent and will be the crush of my heart when he doesn’t throw himself on me to hug anymore.
i’m throwing my littlest in the fence because she’d love it, the nook aspect of a new cuddle spot, and LM has promised to build her a playhouse and I’m so convinced of men being liars that I don’t want her to know about any of it. so she can never be disappointed.
i’m throwing a fence up around my heart because i’m so content that it is terrifying. chew on that one. I will have a gate so LM and kids and family can come and go.
there will be gates everywhere. and doors. and windows.
I think, from my point of view, on this rainy muggy day, that it feels like the beginning of a long stretch, one of those times when you know that your two jobs are going to overlap such that you might not have time for a dinner break for two more weeks. like that. except it is two months.
and i have it easy. i’m not trying to juggle child care. i am child care. i work at home and the kids will be making their own breakfasts this year, all summer. and this means many more breakfasts for dinner, because i can make eggs like nobodies bizniz.
so, its happening right now. they are all home. my tenant has her two kids here and that means 5 kids in house. my littlest is out on the trampoline with her littlest, so there are benefits, but it is also a whole lot of negotiation all the time, but mostly i get over that pretty quickly. the benefits of a girl for the girl are pretty good. except when they suck. then it sucks.
my kids go to their dads tonight and my honey will come over for grilled cheese and soup. because thats the kind of day it is.
just sharing, because i don’t know what else to do. the days are spinning by.
i’ve done a lot of summers, i don’t dread them anymore, and i know i’ll be fine and that it ends and i’ll even be sad that it was so short then.
i’m working on things, and trying to figure out how to make sure that I still rate as important during the summertime, that i continue to work on work and on myself and what i prioritize EVEN when the kids are here.
this is the feeling i want to have, at least SOME of the sweltering days this summer, the thrill, the endeavour. (those funky brits, always the extra ‘u’) THIS. how do i truly swing this with a potential of five sweaty urchins?
but i read this earlier, in a listing of the day’s details, calling them ‘the day’s minor urchins’ … and suddenly its all romantic, dickensian-like. romance in the grit.