there are three primary fears that people all share. these do not include spiders, and dark basements and vats of toxic sludge or plastics in the ocean or fucking fatassholes in government.
these are they:
fear of abandonment
fear of having no value
fear of surrender of power
what do you think about this? i feel like i could go up and down the street proclaiming my fears, those i’m comfortable enough with to speak aloud… and some of them i can see, are just magnifications of one or more of those three.
what say you?
i feel like making this a short one. because i need to think on it some more and i want to gather more wool about it.
we say fear is a liar. we, of the ‘we’ in my head. . .
so i am home with a child recovering from a night of throw up and fever. she responds like a champ to kids ibuprofen so right now she seems completely normal, like maddeningly normal. . . but in 4.3 hours, when that dose runs out… its back to weep and groan and moan. . . so there. there is that.
i am mom, hear me roar. again. this season has been ridiculous. RIDICULOUS.
its nice that so many years have passed of momming now… i get tired… but i’m not nearly as depleted as I was when it was new, and there were two under three… its a huge universe of different.
i’m not as ragged anywhere… sometimes i think back to that time and i wonder how i even got through it. i was in a marriage that didn’t give me a feeling of safety, or any real sense of ‘break’… i was home with kids all the time and i was overwhelmed by all of it. i was completely unsure that I existed, outside of what i ‘did’.
i was some kind of raggedy.
there is a real reservoir of peace in my life now. it sits right next to the reservoir of fear that i also have. twinning.
honestly, i can’t tell you if the peace pond has gotten deeper or if the fear reservoir is wider or if there’s more peace because the kids are older or because Hubs is out of the picture? I mean, thats a whole lot of choice and powerful changes, right?
I was supposed to have a meeting with my Reiki teacher, chakra carol, today… but because of kid sickness it was cancelled. I mean, if i had a dollar for every time i’d had to cancel something because of kids? sheesh…
anyhow. so we talked on the phone and i bedazzled her with a million items to talk about before she waited me out to exhaustion. and then… things like this.
We are all on a journey to peace. we just don’t all know it.
Acknowledging the fear is the beginning of unraveling it.
I don’t have to go on a shamanic journey, naked in the desert, to deal with my fears, I just have to keep noticing them. Noticing when I feel them, when I avoid them, what I think they might be…
and Not being ready doesn’t mean Never being ready.
So there are days like this, when little is done but laundry and a movie or two… and still, i can drift a thousand times more whole than i ever was before, and there is still work to be done. but here i am. existing.
so, a man named Shannon wrote that. for me. i’ve never met him. so, i’m just saying… there are these hidden benefits to online dating, that i’m only just discovering now, after more than a year here in the online desert…. poetry. words. the joy i feel at sculpting phrase… sharing it with someone else? woah ho.
the weird thing is that.. i might never meet this person.. so its not ‘a romance’ but it is a poetic flingathon, and i love it. its been years and years since i’ve played with words so much. . .
this morning i described my kid getting up for school like this:
the first one rises, a bubble to the surface, this child.
I walk in hesitation, as the pop is teenaged angst and eyeroll…
but love undercurrents sweep us all to and fro…
— its just so lovely to be writing like this… and you know i already write a bit loopy like with my metaphors and all, but to be part of a call-and-answer? pretty cool. i just want it noted that there is at least one benefit to the morass of online dating. the interplay/ possibility of texttype being used as poem. sigh.
–i also joined a gym today. so obviously mercury is getting into the fray of delight and demonic.
i’m talking to myself as i walk through the house this morning, to myself, but in conversation with my kids (they are already at school).
I am talking to them about my dating, and the confusions I see in them about it. The strange expectations they have. the mismatch between my romance and how it might effect them. My hesitations to tell them stories, my separation of my ‘personal’ from my family. I’m thinking too much about them, maybe. but then. They’ve been through enough changes and I’m afraid of not being able to control this one.
that is the real root of it, right there. I’m afraid of not being able to control things if I ever introduce another person to the mix.
its been said, and it is true, that fear feeds on lies. and feeds us lies.
I’m not saying I’m introducing anyone. I’m just saying that I may need to look into my feelings on this separation of church and state, because if fear is running my show, then I am doing some serious lying to myself.
lying. ugh. lies. and the lying liars who lie them.
what is it that I want to cultivate anyhow? FEAR? hells bells . obviously no.
if I want to cultivate the LIGHT? the HONEY DRIZZLED JOY?