Humanity

Ground yourself. On purpose, like an adult.

if i’m going to try to write a bonified essay on tips to center down… then i need to actually start gathering the wool for the sweater.

wool! ways to gather your spirit and warmth back into your body.
1. put down the phone. duh. you already KNOW this one…
like literally, away from you. silence it. give yourself a block of time. 30 minutes at least.
2. stare out the window, go outside and sit on the porch. squinch your toes in the grass like richard gere… (if you are my age you know exactly what i’m talking about.) do absolutely nothing with a little chunk of time. think your thinks. allow yourself to not take action on any of it.

3. sitting up, take some deep breaths. don’t count them… 🙂 just take them

(i keep staring at the young bearded guy across the coffee shop. i forget that i might be too old for guys in their 30s now… how amazing is that..)

4. grab something to be momentarily inspired by. flip the pages of a book and look for a quote on the page you open to, that somehow relates to your day. a tarot card, a favorite word… think about it, puzzle it out in your monkey brain…

(girls with backpacks bigger than they are… oh, man..)

5. circles. I think of this as a Quaker thing, but believe its more general than that. allow the visions of circles in your mind, slowly enlarging and enlarging til infinity and dissipation, and then back, should you so choose.
so many color possibilities but i’m amazed and curious to say mine are almost always grayscale and pastels… and it just brings you into focus, allows the space for clarity.

6. pray. doing all the things. open up, quiet down and ask for help, guidance and the quietude to hear an answer…

(oh god, not in his 30s, probably 20s… could’ve birthed him! aaaaaagh.) …

and
give yourself permission to do this, any of it, all of it. Its as important as laundry, if not way way more important than laundry. okay? did you hear that?

you are more important than laundry…
and being connected to yourself as a natural part of the world, belonging as much as a tree or a sunset. really. thats how much .

i think its a thing that most people just do not believe about themselves. truly.

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Humanity

Sprouts.

its fall, its not the right season to be talking about sprouts or thinking about them… i guess… even the color is wrong. gah.

but then you look around here, the new england color palette is much more complex than you think.  maybe i’ve been with little ones too long, but the primaries just don’t cut it.  there’s purple out there, and fresh, lithe green… amongst the oranges and the burgundy…and brown is a pretty dynamic color after all..

so maybe you can handle my sprouts-y talk…

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out my back window, a window i don’t think i have ever appreciated except now, now that i spin in an office chair and see whats around… the yellow of the light touches everything, doesn’t it… and the blues of the shadows… the greyscale of the window…

pink hydrangea out the other window… dusty rose… there’s no other season it can be but fall… something about the light…

sigh. i think i’m forgetting what i set out to talk about… something about growth and sprout…

i know what it is… and how i’m going to talk about it… but my mind is taking a color walk…and so i’ll get back to it tomorrow…

lurve lurve… kate

 

 

Divorce, Humanity

grounding, grounding…

so. i make a big statement in the previous post, like, ‘tell the universe’… and its sort of woo-woo, and some people (my internal world) think froofroo = avoidance of  GOD words.  but i don’t avoid GOD words, just so you know.

when my dad died, just about 5 years ago now, I lost my faith. utterly.  it wasn’t right, it didn’t make sense, it did NOT fit the faith system and security that i had thought was there.  call me a priviledged whitie, its allright. i was. and probably am, in more ways than i’m even aware of .  (and i am aware.)

so boom. lost my dad and lost my faith blanket all at once.  it left me reeling, both were things i took great comfort in, since and after i was old enough to talk… i’ll tell you that.  i think the support of them both, and the loss of them both made it all the more clear to me how desparately sad and unsupportive my marriage had become and made me rise up and bring about its end.  bwahahaha haaaaa.

AND SO.  while there are millions of pages to be written about the above paragraphs, still, today is not that day.

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i find myself growing a new faith. now, five years on… little sprouts of faith in myself.  (without losing humility, at. all.)  faith in the world, faith in humanity, faith in goodness… its a rebirth of that supportive net that i had all my life, but with new shapes and colors… but the same feelings…

its a whole new relationship with the concept behind the words i used to use.

and its ironic, as the whole world seems headed for hell in a handbasket of intolerance.

but i’ve been thinking a lot about how i can gather more moments of stillness, more moments when i feel my feet planted… when i feel like my intuition and guidance systems have a chance to be heard…..

and i think im going to think some more about it… I’ll get back here in a bit… 🙂

lurve…

 

 

Humanity, Uncategorized

better now

i am, i really am.

but i’m having a bit of a rough go of it this morning, getting back into the swing of keeping busy while in betweenst works.

but the slowness is good, right?  gives me time to think, make a plan and think of its steps…

sometimes dropping the ball lets you see the whole field. 1010181645c

deep breaths along with the thump of the heart beat.

i might be deciding to date again. i haven’t fully made up my mind. i’ve been given a greenlight by my steady lover, because we both know he is too busy (me too) and too far (me too) and we love each other but.

its okay, and there? practicality rules. without sorrow, especially.

and. because i love him, i still have him. any way we can.

but in this deep breath, moment of quiet,                   i know how much time i spend dithering with online dating… fiddling with responses and swipes and that doesn’t even get me to the actual meets.  its a form of long-winded shopping… many many windows…

so it gives me more pause than i was expecting.

i think i might have other things to do.  maybe my man can just come find me.

someone tell the Universe.

Humanity

Too many chairs here.

I’ve been sick. like, can’t do anything else but be sick, sick.  another time in which i feel such immense gratitude that i am home, and that my livelihood is not dependent on showing up in an office or classroom with pep.  so much gratitude.

i managed a small amount of work.  less than half normal. but whatever. i’m still astonished i could even do that.

i woke my kids up, got my kids to school every day, and games and practices were cancelled because of incessant rain. i made a roast chicken. i did the things.

as soon as the last was out the door in the morning, i went back to bed.

its a kidney infection, and its on its way out. just this morning i took five different pills to tackle the thing. one antibiotic, three urinarytract cleansers of the naturalfood store sort, and the anti-depressant that i always take.

but i’ve been forgetting the anti-depressant during the sickness, because of the brain fog.

on the weekends, the kids are with their dad all but one weekend of each month. so i was alone this weekend, and literally in bed the entire time. i’ve been wearing the same clothes to bed and to wake for three days. i’m colorful, very colorful.

i made a video this morning showing off my threads, and managed to brush my hair afterwards because oh my god.  so i’m now a rockstar.

the title here? too many chairs?

being sick and layabout has knocked my filters down, and i’m looking around at this house and its pandemonium… without any ability to see the forest for the trees…. all i see is trees… and maybe they’re not all that healthy.  from where i sit now, i can see nine different chairs.  NINE. granted, this room is purportedly the dining room, so maybe you could see your way to thinking that NINE was an okay number.

but my kids and i eat around the table in front of the fire, in the kitchen, where we actually sit on the floor.  no chairs.

so my sickness has opened the doors to the realization that chairs must really mean something to me.  what, you say?  no idea. because i am sick.

but right now?  if you offered me a chair, i’d take it.  its compulsive, i think.

toomanychairs

hospitality? welcoming? respite? do i have to google the meaning of chairs? what the hell?

whoosh. and i have a man story to tell, which i will get to next time, because i need some of my own advice on it. involving a liar, wonderful sex, and longing…

I’m almost ready for Monday.  the kids will be back in a few hours and i might just pop back into bed … but i’m ALMOST at the point where i think the bed is not the best thing for me, and movement might be better… so maybe i’ll get back on the laundry chain, or make that leftover chicken into a soup or something… the tide is turning.. slowly, slowly now…

love you…