many things: 1. i had a whiskey last night and i loved it and was sober when i went to bed and i feel groggy today and that is annoying.
2. a friend that i know well pointed out to me that not everything is a gift. murder, abuse, auschwitz. not gifts. and then i was bummed out. of course not everything is a gift. i was humbled. and my priviledge was painted on my face. and i have to work on how i remember and incorporate. annoying work.
3. my kids are gone til monday and i should have planned how to entertain myself but i didn’t and i am SO ANNOYED by myself.
OH MY GOD I AM SO ANNOYED.
Its possible that this dinner is causing me the problem and the whiskey was just fine. but fuck it. fuck it all.
Being humble is a big deal for me. Its an integral part of my function in the world. i can internally hear ‘be humble’ in the background on a regular basis… and its not as if i’m running around boasting about any such thing and/or need ‘correcting’…its not an admonishment, just a gentle reminder of a way to walk in the world.
its something i feel pretty steeped in.
it can get confusing.
because, low self-esteem can belong to me sometimes… and that isn’t humility or being humble…. and sometimes i am fooled into thinking that I am ‘supposed’ to be a doormat, or ‘supposed’ to put someone else first, like the kids, the mate, etc.
and being humble is actually recognizing that everything you have is a gift, you’ve been gifted this experience, and you get to ride along and enjoy, but you did not CAUSE this ride. Just like everyone else.
what i think it engenders is a sense of amazement and gratitude for the gifts of life.
and i don’t think it is just the grotesquely privileged who get to feel this ‘humble’…
like, you don’t have to have a stone wall to stare at in order to feel gifted in life.
i’m not sure this is making sense….
i was married into a family that doesn’t value humility… i don’t mean they are vain. i do think they, many of them, hold it as a family value that they are somewhat legend-worthy. its hard to say it like that without needing to explain it down somehow… but i think it is true of them, and i think my need to explain it down is my whole ‘humble’ thing.
no judgement on them, its just their way. i love them.
and i do think there is some sort of power dynamic to it, in me, because there is so much ‘church’ behind it…looking at the role of women in a patriarchy is not floating my boat these days…
and i’m very aware of needing not to scurry into my humility. it shares space with humiliation.
being humble has its roots in being GROUNDED.
not ground down.
slip and slide between meanings, yes?
and what if my being humble, and recognizing myself in you, and you, in my self, makes me feel that we are all the dirt of possibility and the possibility of stardust?
what if that?
humble stardust, babe.
*being dirtlike and glorying in it… like, the most faithful dirty seedsoil ever.
*are we happy being a breeding ground for beauty? is that enough?
I wrote these two tidbits in another place, and they feel fertile… real potentials for pages and pages…
Its been suggested that humility isn’t a value anymore, that its been phased out. generational.
so, i asked my older kids: My elder child ,13, described it as feeling like everyone is equal, that we’re all at the same level. (bonus point for him…) my middle child (11) told me a long story about how when you got the last goal that won the game you said, yeah, i’m good, but i wouldn’t be any good without my team…
I think they’re in on it, and its still around, but it has different words now, and it certainly is not mainstream or valued by our larger culture.
anyhow, the beginning of this post was much more interesting than the end.
i love you to pieces for reading, i really do. let me know who you are sometime, would ya?
one of the things that i’ve been doing lately, besides being huddled in a corner about online dating, is trying to get myself into a business mindset.
i’m not really suited to a business mindset, lets just say… i err on the side of long, hot baths and writing odes to the stonewall out my window, and i spend lots of time trying to figure out how to indent dialogue to make it flow better, in flagrant disregard to the ‘rules’. there are a lot of rules about dialogue, i hope you know.
the boss i have (that i love like a fuzzy bunny) that had me do his company christmas/holiday cards, also asked me to make a list of possible ‘thank you’ gifts to give to his new clients. . . so psyched… bath salts, hand creams from sweden, chocolates with bacon bits, a popcorn popper you can use in the microwave, chemical free! ….
he was disgusted with me. (no, he wasn’t. but he did groan a lot.well, maybe he was a little…)
i did not have the proper mindset.
business is different than human. by a long shot. his new customers eventually got gift cards for a new password security service. i’m sure that someone was excited.
its why the thank you cards are navy blue and silver, and only say ‘thank you’.
if i am starting to approach my income-earning as something of a business, there are steps i have to take. like,
measuring my office so i can claim it on my taxes…
like figuring out my hourly wage and making sure that i actually charge the right people for the actual time i work. i’m really terrible about that particular part, and you’d think my sheer need for the money would override this problem, but it doesn’t. even with my fuzzy bunny boss, i don’t charge him for all my time because i feel stupid for working so slowly.
and thats a little bit of bullshit, frankly.
and i don’t really know what to say about that.
but i’m going to deal with it, somehow… that bullshit belief that i’m not good enough. maybe it has something to d
o with being a stayathome mom for so long? being undervalued by others/society
/mate? undervaluing mySELF for it all, because it wasn’t from a book, or in a martha video…. and it was hard and just kept being hard when they were little? and i was in an unhappy relationship that only took from me and never fed me and so i forgot to feed myself? i just forgot about myself? yeah, yeah i did.
this, THIS RIGHT HERE is the business I have any business dealing with.
this word, this space, this body and my understandings of it. my world is super small, and blooming. tiny. trembling. curious anyways.
i still feel really yucky about it. really. i even broke it off before i knew, because it was too much daytime (read: bed) meeting and i just wanted to go out to see a movie or have a drink on a Friday. (…and i was deciding that i wanted more than just sex. and he was lovely, so sweet, and i wanted to hold hands… )
but i broke it off, because he couldn’t do any of those things, which i didn’t understand, and honestly, it never even occurred to me that he was MARRIED. (now, i am different.) he had said he was separated, that they lived in separate places, etc. and that the reason they weren’t officially divorced was because of logistics… who was going to get the house, etc. So away it went.
and then we kept in touch.
because i keep in touch with almost everyone, because i keep liking them. with him, its very random, months pass…its just messages on the phone, nothing more.
and one time i asked him, in seriousness, why it hadn’t gone any further, and he gave me the truth.
and i feel terrible. even though there is literally nothing going on.
and i want to yell about it. how these are our husbands! and then, i realize that they aren’t mine. my ex would’ve never gone this route, because of the utter exposure of it, he would’ve been much too private for it, i think . i am not casting aspersions on his character, just what iffing.
but they are YOUR husbands! YOUR FRIEND’S HUSBANDS! YOUR SISTER’S HUSBAND! Holy shit, the MAIL LADY’s HUSBAND!
and i’m sorry, but it is THEM, not the ladies that like them… it is THE MEN who are taking these actions.
there are so many of them. so damn many. it causes a welling up of sadness in me. like, a real one.
deep pools of sad.
(and thats my poetry for the day. nyuck nyuck. but really. dear god, sadness. )
i’ve not had a full week where the kids were in school all five days since christmas. i love having them home, but its not even been snowing and its February. and while, that winter a couple years back, i did go ‘the shining’ crazy with the ‘too much snow’… i’m going to be sad if we don’t even have one big snow this year. today is spring. its February.
work is weird. see above paragraph for its first sentence. i work at home, so when there’s a person home sick and i have to tend? mm. work stoppage. and my work is weird and inconsistent in the first place, so all the more do i need to be available when it appears. but hello MLK day. (i love him, and wish his words tattooed on our current leaders face.) and then a half day for teachers to be force-taught something by the administrators. then there was something else, sickness maybe? damn.
but i’m editing a hot hot hot dominant-submissive romance novel right now so it is a blessing and a privacy issue that the children need to be out of the house for me to do that particular work. (oye. whoosh. side eyes, man. happy, sweaty work. ) and they are gone, and the work is underway, and after the first reading where your body is on fire? after that you can go back and edit for verb tenses and the their/they’re/there problems that it seems the world still carries…
its better than being a toothpaste cap tightener.
(who can tell me THAT book reference? )
as for the world? the politics? i can’t even handle the snark anymore. its just full-on disgust. for all of them. the world is literally crumbling and the dozen chickens are squabbling over the same three bits of food.
the president is a moron. yes, i do think that. and yes, i do think he is in collusion with the Russians.
yes, i think the Democrats and Republicans and the billionaires are responsible and happy about the current idiocy in politics. it keeps everything just fine for them, doesn’t it?
all cozy cozy.
my boys play deathmatch indoor soccer, or at least, thats what i call it. its like politics… pinball for the humanbeing, ceaseless running after a ball that races towards you.