There is a lot of red in my life. and candy. and toys. and christmas still lingers. (will, all year.) and red, in the language of chakras… tells us to get down and dirty with your roots. look at your stories, your family and what earths you, and unearths you. grab onto your precious self and dig deep.
Did i mention it was a FULL MOON? Time to see whats working, what you need to shift, and what you can let go. . .
that was me for most of my days when my kids were under 5. I’m not in that spot anymore. i recognize it, i remember her well, and can impersonate her at will.
but my kids are just huge. and with divorce comes a whole huge dose of the new adult understanding of impermanence. i’m just gifted them for such a damn short time. and then they go off into the world and i’m still living with me, in the end, just me, as roommate and lovah, all. (even if there is someone else there, or a slow dribble of children coming and going)…
i’ve handled things differently this vacation, for the first time ever. choose differently. i am using money to have two whole days wherein all 3 kids will be at camps. and one will be gone four whole days in the end. its allowing me to write here, to do a little bit of thinking, and to act as if it were almost a normal week, which honestly? is so so good.
because its school vacation and the biggest dickish one is very clearly ME. the fiery circle of hell that is my dinner time prep on vacation days is dissipated, because its an almost regular day. and because i have a little bit of routine i can handle the constant calls for entertainment and food and bitchery that emanate from the living areas . almost like an odor.
right now? i’m typing this at a starbucks because i have a giftcard . rock that. school vacation week and i’m alone with hot coffee and a bit of focus. i don’t believe it either. but there it is… a little change in thinking and a redirection of funds, and there is an EASTER MIRACLE.
right now? yes, right now it is a MIRACLE. look for one near you.
ok, so this one sucks. out of all the ones where i talk about poop, or dating strangers or my tastes in sex (heh. no, i haven’t) this is the one i least want to write and its also the stupidest, ever. so, it is glitter-covered shit. i’m going to ask you to do something.
can you find a post you did like and share it with someone? it doesn’t have to be broadcast on facebook or anything like that, just a tepid share. or a monstrous one is fine too, but we all know that that not all the peoples would want to poke around in here.
and i’m going to drop off the face of the earth just for a little while i hide from a direct light. if sharing happens.
i still don’t intend to sell anything or promote anything beyond what i use and like, etc. (mostly that means friends of mine) … but i do need a wider net to cast.. so i need your help with the warp and weft. to increase the size of the net. and i know you are good for it.
(my ex knows i write this but i don’t promote it in his face because he worries i am going to tarnish his rep, which i won’t, but he doesn’t quite believe that, so if you know him, you do not need to share it with him. if you did, it would be okay. just saying.)
so would ya? you might have to browse… here’s some links to good posts, well, ones that i liked…
I’m doing this thing over on instagram as part of a challenge to do something, anything. when its that vague and nebulous, i am all over it. i did the spirit thing a little bit ago and liked the tiny steps that i took, geisha style, towards incorporating more things that i am fed by, into my life. i still find them almost daily.
so go look over there. if you feel like it. its six days of #metaphorme (metaphor me) writing prompts. write or don’t write, its your call. thinking is good too. you see the photo, the word, the suggestion and you dream your metaphors.
i live in metaphors, it is truly how i understand the world. connections, connections. me, the pebble, the ripple. all. my life to that of a stone. connections.
the first day was #paperflower. the next? #kernel … i find it a really rich chocolate cocoa.
i do wonder how it is received.
love to you, hope you are well…
Todays prompt? #sky
a ceiling? a thin veil ? an all-encompassing blue to bath your eyes in ? you tell me.
so, i’ve met a guy. another one. not my type. want to know why? i think he’s just like me.
and so there is some work for me to do and i’m in a vulnerability hangover every time i think about it.
sheesh. have to go take meds. forgot again. hold on.
kay. but thats not the reason for the vulnerability hangover. listen, this is how it goes.
‘you can’t keep putting me first, thats not good for you’. me to he. ‘but thats how i am, i need to know you so i can be what you need me to be, for you’ he to me.
BUT THATS CRAZY!!! me to he.
we? agree to disagree.
the problem here is that he is saying things i’ve said, how i lived for a long time, and why in the end, marriage couldn’t be worked out for me. I’m not saying i was a slavish wife and only served my man.
i wasn’t. i began to have children, i’ve always had a personality, i’ve always had needs…but it begins with who gets up for the babies, doesn’t it…for me it did. who’s life is too important to be turned upside down?
i never was able to articulate what my needs were. and part of that was that everyone else went first. and now… i am being forced to practice, because i’m staring in a mirror all the time.
who gets fed first at your house?
i know thats a multifaceted question, and practicality and all, but really… its that dangling emergency oxygen….
and i swear, i’d die while offering it to others. just plumb up and die.