unsuccessful vacation

prefaced by: don’t give me suggestions or tell me I should have called. not helping, plus, its blessedly over.


kids went to their dads full time for a week. it happens once a year in the summer, usually around summer camps so that they’d be away from me anyhow. usually I go somewhere, last year I had a loveliest man who took me away and treated me like a golden flower.

this year, it was a staycation. I didn’t have any plans, though I thought I might do yoga, but didn’t. I thought I might write, but didn’t.

I realized this morning when I made my coffee that I hadn’t made fresh coffee for awhile and the pot was dirty. ( GAH! it was vacation and I was reheating old coffee, day after day?!)

it was mostly the coffee that made me realize the depths of my lassitude.

things I did do: I went on a covid-era first date. it was fine but date number two was cancelled as the only option he gave me was to come to his ‘room’ and snuggle. i’m just not there yet, with a stranger, or, rather, some dick who thinks I’m that desparate. (its a mixed bag: wherein you realize you have self-esteem/deeper desires for yourself and also that you missed out on a chance for sex. sigh).

I slept late, last night I slept on the sofa in the living room because a fuse blew and there is no way in hell I am going into the basement at night, ever. So I slept in the ac with the dog at my feet, and it was okay, honestly.

I went to two ballgames. The boys noticed but hardly. Glad I showed up and missed episodes of whatever the show was. I watched tv during the day. I drank alcohol that was so sugared up that I probably just could’ve had a grape soda and would’ve had the same headache in the morning.

I had a birthday breakfast with my mom and sister, as my mom turned 75.

glimmers of progress.. I read a lot. some good, some kids-age, to check out summer reading choices, and I started ‘white fragility’ which of course, I am dreading. but I have begun.

I got my nails done while essentially wrapped in plastic. I was pretty intimidated by all the plastic so everything is red, and matchy. There is a certain glory in it but it doesn’t feel like me, so, weird, right? I tried unsuccessfully to tame some part of the yard. I did a butt load of laundry, which was a mistake. initially I tried to get it all done so I would have a vacation without laundry, but really, I just ended up doing laundry all week long.

so. it was a full week, and there were far too many hours in it. i’m not sure what it means about me, or about my mental health that I did so little. it was a pretty hot week but i’m not feeling excused by that.

so there it is. I was not productive. I did not make progress on anything but laundry, which is just a loop anyhow so fuckit.

and its all over today at 3, when I pick up tired and hot kids who’ve not worn sunblock for a week. and my insides settle down.

Maybe then I’ll try and figure things out, when the walking pieces of my heart return.


Corona Crazy

i’m hearing from others, too, that this is a legit thing. A new, recycled thing, new to us and you, and again. Yes, we here in New England are opening up after mostly surviving our first wave. That first wave is thrashing its way through the south and west currently, because they thought we were making it up? that they didn’t need to take it seriously because they believe the President? I’m dealing with a bunch of anger and confusion and stress these days.

I feel like bullets are in order:

  • my teenager is furious that he can’t spend 24 hours a day with friends. FUCKING LIVID. You should see the look he just gave me. I felt my ovaries shudder.
  • I am torn between the issues of my first kid needing true and real and lifelong independence and socializing and the existence of a virus like this.
    Like, it’s my first time letting a kid go, ya dig?
  • dating doesn’t really happen right now, so we are all supposed to just text until we die. This is very very unsatisfying, as it does not contain sex in a real sense and also, my imagination is too goddamned good and i’m making people WAY better than they actually are. and, believe it or not, that is a sort of pain.
  • also, as to dating, in the isolation of rarely seeing another adult, the ‘import’ of communication with a stranger is off-balance and it is making me insane. its just a distraction and I am treating it as a ‘thing’.
    and I am desperate for a thing. And it does not feel good. Another sort of pain.
  • how are we supposed to take care of our kids in this? why can’t we find clear answers?
  • soccer practice started, no games scheduled, and they aren’t allowed to be near each other on the field. oh fun.
  • baseball practice started, first game is tomorrow. we’ll see what that looks like. I have a camp chair and a blanket and a butt load of snacks.
  • I love you all anyhow, even though i’ll never shake your hand or give you a hug again.
  • i’m not fucking olaf but I really miss it all.


Do you still dream of escape?

I have been, lately. I think that suddenly doing the quarantine singly has thrown me back in time a little. I did this dreaming when the kids were little, when the marriage was sucking me dry and not giving me anything in return. I was thirsting for something, and my dreams of escape were daily and full of despair. I was just drowning, all the time, and the shore seemed like heaven.

I’m back to dreaming of escape. My only resource, really, is this house and the equity I will have in it when the kids are grown. So, it’ll be for sale. No home for the grandkids here. Which fills me with all sorts of sadness of the future grief sort. Not to mention the weight of an imagined future grief of the kids.

And its not the same kind of escape as before. Its not an escape because my life is horrendous. Its an escape because of circumstance, and change. And that’s an entire world, you dig?

I don’t know what will happen. I don’t envision finding a partner who wants to take on the financial burden of this place, even if I got the mortgage down to a reasonable rate. Hello, quarantine/reopeningbedamned makes it pretty unlikely i’m going to be making plans of any kind for a while. (good and bad here. patience is a lesson I am always learning.)

AND, I also want to allow that my kids will be fine, that they may not have kids, might not need me to have a net for them for the rest of their lives, as much as I want to spend the rest of my life providing one. Imagining the weight of future grief doesn’t seem like the best use of my life’s moments.

And so I am thinking about what I will do then, when the littlest heads off to college or whathaveyou. Will I buy an RV to live in for the remainder of my days? (nah, probably not)

The idea that I could go anywhere, try anything, be anywhere? Its pretty inspiring. and the reality is slightly scary. Presuming that I don’t have family besides siblings at that point, will I try to get closer to them? Will I head for natural beauty? Will I aim for the small town at the center of every picturesque whitey American novel? With the little community coffee shop bustling with gourmet treats and artistic flair?

Will I just buy a little house and try to stay healthy til I die? I mean, its all the rage to be middle-aged, right? But then comes older than that.

I think I need to widen my angle a little. Maybe I’ll have a real income earning job and I can host lots of ladies here, to rest and rejuvenate and chase chickens for their own betterment. I mean, I could do that too.

There are more possibilities than I know about. I have to keep that in mind, and keep my eyes open. Dreaming of escape without despair? Should be dreamy, right?



Topsy Turvy

The world is all fucked up. The country that I live in, especially. The Right, the Fear Mongering, Keep the BOrders closed from Brown people, the ‘its okay to kill brown people, they weigh less on the scales of justice’… that group is stronger, everywhere.

the quarantine is not over, but we’re all leaving the houses, exposing ourselves and our children because we can’t bear it. we just can’t bear it.


and that, of course, segways into the Black Lives Matter movement. The most shattering thing? White people needed to be reminded, or to have it brought to their attention. again.

I am not holding myself apart from this.

All lives are worth the same. The value is in the LIFE.

I’m not one of the oppressed. Color has never been a barrier to anything for me. and my cute and chirpy little white girl face has gotten me out of more trouble than you could imagine. None of it is intentional, but I’ve been aware for a long time.

I acknowledge it. I see it. I imagine it will happen again, because the society hasn’t changed yet.

and the thing is, the fairness actually comes in ALL OF US getting the good stuff. ALL OF US getting a warning instead of a ticket, a smile instead of a baton to the forehead.



(in absolutely no way am I saying ‘all lives matter’ in opposition to ‘black lives matter’. in absolutely no way. you sure you get me?)


Music Travails…

My hearing has been crap for a while now. But I used to listen to music, I did.I had two working ears and could make out what I liked to hear. I was never the driving force behind it in any crowd… it wasn’t me saying ‘hey, guys, listen to this..’ Even when my hearing was based on the two-ear system, i was always taken by the lyrics, the melodies or the thump of the beat… if it was such that i couldn’t figure out what was being said, it didn’t hold my interest. remember when the cassettes had all the lyrics on the foldouts? It kept me connected and i ended up memorizing a million things that are sometimes still with me, 30 years later.

I started walking the first day I was single during this pandemic. I had been happy and with a man who loved my body exactly as it was, so while i noticed my weight, it wasn’t until i was on my own and frazzled very very deeply, that i realized that i wasn’t strong anymore. so, walking at dawn while the kids sleep, almost every day at this point for about 4 weeks. to keep me motivated, i’ve played music on my phone.

and i’m in love. I started with old familiars that I could find on youtube. thank you, autoplay. on and on it went. i’ve got headphones that are bigger than your firstborn, but it has been completely awesome. I’m even discovering new things…

Remember Throwing Muses, Belly! Blondie, Indigo Girls, Mazzy Star, Stone Roses, Natalie Merchant? Sometimes I jump while I walk, for the memory, the surprise. I’m totally in love. The days I miss a walk, I’m bereft.

Belly : Feed the Tree

Blondie: Dreaming

Indigo Girls: Galileo

New to Me: the Bird and the Bee: My Love

Also, but I think I’ve always known this one: Waterboys: Fisherman’s Blues

So, I leave you with these three. and recognize a new breeze in coronatime.

ALSO: tell me what you are listening to. I like it all, if it has lyrics that spark.