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The key- Online Dating

I don’t have a damn key. I don’t have all the answers. I still get nervous and have to talk myself down, sometimes I even cancel.

Online Dating. ?  Seriously, What the fuck? … Walking into a situation with a stranger.?…all the things….so many things…

will it be boring? will we fit? will i be attracted? attractive? am i going to be groped? do i want to be groped? 🙂  how’s my dress?  for me in particular– will i hear everything? will i get to laugh? make them laugh?

oh, man, i just want it to be fun. FUN.

god damn.

in truth?

The biggest hurdle is shushing my own inner story about who I am going to meet.  Seriously, they are not here to do what is right, to impress me, to compliment me… though I may deserve and want all of those things… and they may even do those things, who knows?

They are just a human being, walking into a situation with a stranger, and their story is just intersecting with mine for the minute.  (honestly, sometimes i think we forget that they are complete and fully formed humans, these ‘dates’…)

just that dinner-long minute. its not mine to control or judge… just to get a glimpse of… and enjoy and feel wonder and curiousity about…what their story is…

If i am universal and timeless, as i sometimes feel that i am, from the depths of my hermit cave, i see other people as little lightning bugs at the doorway to the verdant…

oh, i liked that sentence. and maybe its a perfect ending, topped off by the green in the photo…

building metal house architecture
Photo by PhotoMIX Ltd. on Pexels.com

huh… maybe not…

If anything, its that curiosity that makes me keep on keeping on out there in the online dating world.

Whats it going to be like? Are they anything like their chatter? like their photos?

I’ve learned these things: (4 for now)

  1.   nope, photos are illusory. even if its a great photo of them, the flesh is three dimensional, and the eyes and their responsiveness, can only be realized in person.
  2.  Typing and talking are not the same thing. and i need to remember it all the time, when i move from texts to talking. there is no substitute for face-to-face, ever. and its really the only real.
  3.  while the sizzle is incredibly important, it is really important for me to … well, i mean, the sizzle is really important and i currently am pretty fixated on it… but i know there is more to it. (um, i’m sure i’ll grow and learn here but … sizzle)…oooh, distracted..
  4. I choose not to be suspicious, but I listen to my instincts. I cannot be fixated on the possibility that it is all lies, or that they are psychokillers… I actually think that in a face-to-face meeting, my instincts will answer such, and all will be well. there is crazy out there, but I am equipped to handle it, and I choose not to be suspicious of it… it is a choice. it really is.  I just can’t live like that.

If i (sometimes) respect my Self and my Instincts and my Blissful joybubbleness, I know that there are times that I don’t… and then its time for a break, and I take them.  Learning isn’t something I need to do every weekend, and sometimes I just can’t handle the strain of the practice..

 

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