Sometimes I can see clearly that my ex is making up a story about me., making me into something that I am not, for the purposes he believes in, whatever they are. His treatment of me varies according to a story he is living. I feel good when I can see this clearly, it removes me from the scene almost entirely. (emotionally speaking)
but one of my biggest fears? like, the secret, whisper in the dark fear?
am i making him into something he isn’t? have i turned him into a narcissistic egomaniac for my own purposes? have i been in that for a dozen years?
i doubt myself. primarily because he has made me doubt myself for a dozen years. Because i don’t have any idea or hold on what was true and what is true, anymore, about him.
and so i let it go, try to let go of the fear of it.
I wrote somewhere else lately that “I trust that there is more goodness than anything else”…
and I do believe that… and if I could believe it applied to my ex I feel like I could really let go of somethings… and my load would be so much lighter.
You know all that nonsense about letting go to move on…? yeah, that .
and then… there’s this: am i really working on forgiving hIM before I even look at forgiving myself? AGAIN? AGAIN?
making him more important than me?!
and so if i turn from that silly froth, i get this:
I Am more Goodness than anything else.
So there is that.