Divorce, Humanity

Truth and Baggage

0901181741aSometimes I can see clearly that my ex is making up a story about me., making me into something that I am not, for the purposes he believes in, whatever they are.  His treatment of me varies according to a story he is living.  I feel good when I can see this clearly, it removes me from the scene almost entirely.  (emotionally speaking)

but one of my biggest fears? like, the secret, whisper in the dark fear?

am i making him into something he isn’t? have i turned him into a narcissistic egomaniac for my own purposes? have i been in that for a dozen years?

i doubt myself. primarily because he has made me doubt myself for a dozen years.  Because i don’t have any idea or hold on what was true and what is true, anymore, about him.

and so i let it go, try to let go of the fear of it.

I wrote somewhere else lately that “I trust that there is more goodness than anything else”…

and I do believe that… and if I could believe it applied to my ex I feel like I could really let go of somethings… and my load would be so much lighter.

You know all that nonsense about letting go to move on…? yeah, that .

and then… there’s this: am i really working on forgiving hIM before I even look at forgiving myself? AGAIN? AGAIN?

making him more important than me?!

and so if i turn from that silly froth, i get this:

I Am more Goodness than anything else. 

So there is that.

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Truth and Baggage”

  1. Oh man, this is a tough. Don’t we all see each other based on the filter of our own experience of them both good and bad? I’m not sure there is such a thing as an unbiased view. Perhaps it is true that your ex is a narcissistic egomaniac but he is not solely that because you would never have married him. There are some things that you can’t doubt which is he is a liar and a manipulator solely because he is an alcoholic who is in very deep denial about his problem and most certainly obscures the goodness that you both originally saw in each other. It is difficult to live in this gray area but is there really any other way? (This from someone who dislikes most people! 😀can you tell Im working on this too?)

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.