so. i make a big statement in the previous post, like, ‘tell the universe’… and its sort of woo-woo, and some people (my internal world) think froofroo = avoidance of GOD words. but i don’t avoid GOD words, just so you know.
when my dad died, just about 5 years ago now, I lost my faith. utterly. it wasn’t right, it didn’t make sense, it did NOT fit the faith system and security that i had thought was there. call me a priviledged whitie, its allright. i was. and probably am, in more ways than i’m even aware of . (and i am aware.)
so boom. lost my dad and lost my faith blanket all at once. it left me reeling, both were things i took great comfort in, since and after i was old enough to talk… i’ll tell you that. i think the support of them both, and the loss of them both made it all the more clear to me how desparately sad and unsupportive my marriage had become and made me rise up and bring about its end. bwahahaha haaaaa.
AND SO. while there are millions of pages to be written about the above paragraphs, still, today is not that day.
i find myself growing a new faith. now, five years on… little sprouts of faith in myself. (without losing humility, at. all.) faith in the world, faith in humanity, faith in goodness… its a rebirth of that supportive net that i had all my life, but with new shapes and colors… but the same feelings…
its a whole new relationship with the concept behind the words i used to use.
and its ironic, as the whole world seems headed for hell in a handbasket of intolerance.
but i’ve been thinking a lot about how i can gather more moments of stillness, more moments when i feel my feet planted… when i feel like my intuition and guidance systems have a chance to be heard…..
and i think im going to think some more about it… I’ll get back here in a bit… 🙂