Humanity

yesterday, smart. not smart.

it happened. i bumped into the technology wall of ineptitude.  i was crushed by debris.

look for me in the clouds, y’all.

 

( i should stop there, for drama, but there is, of course, more.)

honestly, the debris involved ads posting on their own, purportedly, and pointing people to nowhere and possibly hurting reputations… and guess who gets to pay for that mistake? whoowhee.  possibly, the problem is contained but it involved literal tears on my part and a text to my sister asking if i should be quitting to save my friendship with scary uncle.

she said no.

so i think that i have now erased everything that i have touched.  possibly.  if i get another email today, that tells me my ad is ready to roll out in a hot second, you will hear me… across the street (winking at L.S.) or across state lines…

i think that my frustration and tears were partly to do with the complete shock of not understanding. it is rare for me to come across something that i can’t grapple to the ground.

in a moment of grace this morning, i was able to envision looking back at my stresscake-ness and saying ‘woah, remember when i got so fruity?’… another moment,… ‘perhaps its not designed quite as organically as they believe’…

that’ll be nice. i hope that happens. its a large part of my identity that i’m a smart girl, and feeling incompetent is not something i tolerate well…

as is evidenced by the way i felt yesterday.

there was a lot of drama.

full on tears. in solitude, i keep that shit from the kids unless its spurts out uncontrollably. this was a silent, fatdropping tears time.

kids ate their dinner from the freezer. nuggets, patties, hotpockets. nary a vegetable in sight.

i yelled.  i had a hit-the-steering-wheel moment as i was driving my eldest to his spontaneous sleepover. sometimes the body just gets overloaded and has to fritz out. i fritzed.  (today they don’t have school as all good citizens will be VOTING like our lives depend on it, or our national pride, or something..)

maybe i’m just not smart in all the ways.  i mean, i already know i’m not a memorizer, i’m not a geometry girl, i’m no longer a slog-through-it heavy prose reader..(in college though? oh hell yes) … so. does it help me if i admit i can’t get this?

it feels like quitting.  and man, do i feel like quitting.

but.money. and sheer stubbornness. like i’ve got something to prove to the freaking facebook ads manager. i’m going to rip it to shreds. go all wolverine broody on its ass.

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I went to the beach this weekend. and dyed my hair. I wanted to put a fierce picture here, to show my grit, but I’m not there yet. i’m just pudding, no grit.

I’ll get there, don’t worry.  maybe.  highly likely. probable. possible.

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