yesterday i wrote in a hurry, unconsidered. it was almost as if i were still sitting in my car, ready to go to breakfast, and i turned from cancelling a date to the computer. almost like that…. and so, if you didn’t understand it, i am with you.
i have a friend in ‘pastoral care’ who likes to grimace (she’s so beautiful, it doesn’t even bear any relationship to a grimace…its amazing) and say… ‘another fucking growth opportunity’…. and thats how i’m feeling today.
i’m fine, its fine… really. i just feel impatient with the learning curve i am on, regarding me and alcohol and the ability (or not), that i have regarding it, moving forward. Grammatically that last sentence was a doozy. and i’m not sure it has any flow. but i can’t look at it anymore.
i don’t heavily subscribe to the notion that you must learn a lesson in order to move on… like… complete step 4 of the ladder before you can take step 5. I’m all nimble on the ladder folks… think mountain goat on a Himalayan.
but this? i have gone on first dates with nice men who decided to be drunk for that meeting. (like, startlingly drunk.) i have dated for months a man who needed to nap frequently because of alcohol and pot usage, and also was affected physically. (eyebrows) i have browsed a million and a half photos of men holding beers, at bars, on beaches with beers, at bars… with beers. i was turned down for one meeting because i DON’T smoke pot… I had a first date who drank so much he was unable to drive home. (and i liked him anyways…) . . . i’m not even drinking anymore myself, really. i just can’t stomach it. (literally, as it turns out… me and hangovers are a serious thing, and thats with just one drink.) but also, my kids are seriously freaked out if i have a glass of wine with my spaghetti.
and yes, there is part of me that thinks i am a ‘mark’ for this particular trouble. and so i wonder about the universe and the lesson that i have yet to learn.
what the fuck is it? i mean, seriously.
i am so bored of this conversation. SO DONE.
so how do i get out of this loop? How do i let the freaking universe know that I AM DONE?