i dated a man who is married. i didn’t know.
i still feel really yucky about it. really. i even broke it off before i knew, because it was too much daytime (read: bed) meeting and i just wanted to go out to see a movie or have a drink on a Friday. (…and i was deciding that i wanted more than just sex. and he was lovely, so sweet, and i wanted to hold hands… )
but i broke it off, because he couldn’t do any of those things, which i didn’t understand, and honestly, it never even occurred to me that he was MARRIED. (now, i am different.) he had said he was separated, that they lived in separate places, etc. and that the reason they weren’t officially divorced was because of logistics… who was going to get the house, etc. So away it went.
and then we kept in touch.
because i keep in touch with almost everyone, because i keep liking them. with him, its very random, months pass…its just messages on the phone, nothing more.
and one time i asked him, in seriousness, why it hadn’t gone any further, and he gave me the truth.
and i feel terrible. even though there is literally nothing going on.
and i want to yell about it. how these are our husbands! and then, i realize that they aren’t mine. my ex would’ve never gone this route, because of the utter exposure of it, he would’ve been much too private for it, i think . i am not casting aspersions on his character, just what iffing.
but they are YOUR husbands! YOUR FRIEND’S HUSBANDS! YOUR SISTER’S HUSBAND! Holy shit, the MAIL LADY’s HUSBAND!
and i’m sorry, but it is THEM, not the ladies that like them… it is THE MEN who are taking these actions.
there are so many of them. so damn many. it causes a welling up of sadness in me. like, a real one.
deep pools of sad.
(and thats my poetry for the day. nyuck nyuck. but really. dear god, sadness. )