one of the things that i’ve been doing lately, besides being huddled in a corner about online dating, is trying to get myself into a business mindset.
i’m not really suited to a business mindset, lets just say… i err on the side of long, hot baths and writing odes to the stonewall out my window, and i spend lots of time trying to figure out how to indent dialogue to make it flow better, in flagrant disregard to the ‘rules’. there are a lot of rules about dialogue, i hope you know.
the boss i have (that i love like a fuzzy bunny) that had me do his company christmas/holiday cards, also asked me to make a list of possible ‘thank you’ gifts to give to his new clients. . . so psyched… bath salts, hand creams from sweden, chocolates with bacon bits, a popcorn popper you can use in the microwave, chemical free! ….
he was disgusted with me. (no, he wasn’t. but he did groan a lot.well, maybe he was a little…)
i did not have the proper mindset.
business is different than human. by a long shot. his new customers eventually got gift cards for a new password security service. i’m sure that someone was excited.
its why the thank you cards are navy blue and silver, and only say ‘thank you’.
if i am starting to approach my income-earning as something of a business, there are steps i have to take. like,
- measuring my office so i can claim it on my taxes…
- like figuring out my hourly wage and making sure that i actually charge the right people for the actual time i work. i’m really terrible about that particular part, and you’d think my sheer need for the money would override this problem, but it doesn’t. even with my fuzzy bunny boss, i don’t charge him for all my time because i feel stupid for working so slowly.
and thats a little bit of bullshit, frankly.
and i don’t really know what to say about that.
but i’m going to deal with it, somehow… that bullshit belief that i’m not good enough. maybe it has something to d
o with being a stayathome mom for so long? being undervalued by others/society
/mate? undervaluing mySELF for it all, because it wasn’t from a book, or in a martha video…. and it was hard and just kept being hard when they were little? and i was in an unhappy relationship that only took from me and never fed me and so i forgot to feed myself? i just forgot about myself? yeah, yeah i did.
this, THIS RIGHT HERE is the business I have any business dealing with.
this word, this space, this body and my understandings of it. my world is super small, and blooming. tiny. trembling. curious anyways.
that is not bullshit. and i am sticking to it.