Humanity

synonym- i’m sick and this one is a little deranged. sorry. not sorry. welcome.

in trying to shift myself out of feeling like shit: almost all the synonyms for humble are bad. it boils down to doormat

how can this be? am i really a tool of the patriarchy?

i’m a flower in my hair, dirty-footed comfort mistress.   i’m grounded in the earth even as i hide in my wooden house and avoid touching all things natural… (it is the last day of February, and we’ve had a snowfall..) but i’ve got houseplants.

houseplants.

green.

how could this person be a doormat?

don’t i throw on another beaded necklace, some rings and whisk that man right out of my hair?

but its not that simple. i can’t really wear rings as i find them too distracting, mostly. but i wish i could. my fingers are too thin, also, so its hard to find one in a store that fits. but so be it. i suppose the truth gets unbearably, boringly complicated.  who wants to read that?

i’m being treated for a double ear infection . went to the walk-in yesterday and am on antibiotics and garlic cloves in the ear. fragrant.  i’ve been in bed for most of the last two days.  i get up, get the kids ready and on the bus, take a bath and go back to bed.

this is my brain:

J’s right, you aren’t really working, you are just taking advantage of his money.  If you had a real job you wouldn’t be in bed, you’d be off to work. You can’t work at home. You’re not aggressive enough.  …But my ears! What if they got worse and then I was deaf? then what?  Yeah, but at least you’d be working, like a real man.  …I’m no man.  Yeah, but you should be. Thats who gets stuff done.

So. woah. right?

No announcement of sex restructuring coming anytime. HOWEVER. my brain is not doing me any favors. this isn’t going to help me get better in any way. Aren’t I in charge, at least nominally, of what goes on in there?  Can’t my gypsy woman come in waving her arms and slap some sense or quiet into my brain?

ugh.

0227191440

rings on her fingers and bells on her toes.

i’m just sick. let me lie down in peace. maybe i’ll get better quicker. (i’m talking to my brain)

sigh.

i have another hour til the first kid gets home. evidently there is some new thing on fortnite so i’m sure i won’t see him til dinner.  banner parenting, banner.

love you guys, see you again soon.

kate

(uwme)  you me. big smile .

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1 thought on “synonym- i’m sick and this one is a little deranged. sorry. not sorry. welcome.”

  1. First of all, a big hug, and I wish I was sharing a cup of tea or a scotch with you. Second of all, I hope you feel a little better with garlic and antibiotics. Then there is J. He has his good qualities, but an often warped perspective on the world so I’m not sure I’d believe everything he says. Because maybe you’re aggressive enough to succeed at just about anything but right now, you have a more than full-time job that pays in intimate trust, grumpy remarks, and occasional hugs and/or kisses a currency that is often devalued but none the less real. Hang in there, girl!

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