There is all this meshing going on… i’m having to blend aspects of myself into a sort of support sling and i’m no knitter and perhaps the weave will be strongest anyhow…
i’m in process on this one so bear with me.
new man is bringing up a lot of old traumas that i’m having to work through. turns out i’m not done with being fearful of being lied to… SO not done.
turns out some people just tell truth. wtf. you don’t have to figure out what they MEAN? shoot. makes everything so much easier… and theres so much more time in a day…
i’m trying to come up with a ‘guiding question’ to fulfill a prompt, and i’ve now delayed the writing by about a week… and i’m supposed to think about ‘intention’ today and i’m trying to dream about a future wherein i can feel the feels and not run screaming into the woods or into the goddamned wall. (this pertains to both man and to work, which is horribly in flux right now…) and how the hell does one plan a dream?
if i apply all this questioning to the ‘plan’ for the future, the next year of myself as business? what sort of mental gymnastics must i do? is there a way to make this all easier? how do i get to some sort of truthtelling of myself ? to myself?
i’m no mystic on the mountainside, or even in a nice comfy cottage… i don’t know anyone who has got it all figured out, to ask about it. sometimes i dream of asking my grammie, but i think she was too no-nonsense to deal with this sort of thing. and maybe there is something in that. life is the same, whether you inspect it or not… right?
is that a road i really want to travel on? hm. its pretty close to ‘it is what it is’… which is possibly the most unsatisfying thing ever. and no matter how intellectually i attack it, i’m just not sure i truly believe in it. IS IT ? IS THIS REALLY THE WAY IT IS? REALLY?
I choose dreamy watercolor puddles. Colors in a pile. unplanned moments.
whats my walking prayer? whats my intention in my step? whats my guiding question? what do i catch in my net when i lay it all down?
i wish i had some pat answer that would be a viral meme. because. hello. i need money and ad-clicking.
but i don’t have a viral meme in me. I wonder about curiosity and openheartedness… how i can keep them more …before me as i step…
wonder about what is… don’t allow fear to send me to the wall… just keep prying my heart back open every time it shutters. (shudders) .. which, if you are human, can hurt a whole lot and is pretty hard to do the 32nd time it happens…
sigh. work in process. progress?