Humanity

what i’m happy about. burst bubbles.

couple things:

  1. I got to read an article about how the Law of Attraction and the “Tell the Universe what you want and it will arrive” crowd are full of shit.  and several puzzle pieces plonked down where they were supposed to be a long time ago.
  2. my kid had a great birthday.
  3. my teenager went to sleep with a headache around 7 last night, and that meant i could put everyone else to bed early with almost no fuss and so i was asleep at 9:10 last night. these are happy things.

1a.

I’ve been in crowds of like-minded ladies for a long time.. slightly off-center, more spirit-focused, women who ‘do work’ on themselves.  many of them believe that you can  ‘manifest’ your desires by speaking them out loud to the Universe. speaking, praying, burning, all of that.  I am not saying they are wrong.  

But, for me, my reaction to this has always been somewhat less than automatic.  I’ve been ‘trying’ for it, and failing.  I do believe in prayer, thought, intention, being focused… but i think it changes me, not the Universe.  and I think and hope that the Universe has bigger fish to fry than me, right now.  It definitely goes back to some of my feelings and beliefs in humility.  I’ve written about it before and like what i wrote, being humble not being tied to low self-esteem, but to HIGH FALUTIN LIFEWORSHIP AND GRATITUDE.

and oh my god, the people who have commandeered ‘LIFE’ and made it all about abortion? they suck. SUCK.

its the same with the people who have made the American Flag into something threatening. God damn them.

This whole bubble needs a post of its own. It will arrive eventually.

2a.

The kid had a great birthday. her dad doesn’t come because his gf is not invited. he is, every year, even at the beginning. she’s now 7 and he has not been to a bday party in 3 years.  I donno, maybe it doesn’t really matter.

the kid had a great birthday!  7.  what a doozy.  girls are just batty. I love a crew of them. I can see the beginnings of the social stuff though, so there is a weakening of the bubble wall, and it will pop for a while.  We are meant to do without the bubbles. But the shift from one to the other can be fairly tumultuous. the burst bubbles can be a little shocking when its your first time. 

3a.

I’m 45. My oldest is 14, then 11 almost 12, and 7.  I freely admit that I have never figured out bedtime.  While I am no longer full of dread at the thought of it, I am not full of positive energy either. I have given up. I have ceded to the powers that be, and i just throw them all upstairs at the same time and shut my light off. essentially, this is true, though i try sometimes to read a book or tell a story. The dream of them heading off in peace and kid-centered action is utterly and totally burst. 

Going to bed before 10 is my goal, and most days i get the littlest down by 9.  I think this is a ridiculous time for a 7 year old, I really do. But I surrender. I have utterly surrendered.  Does this sound like a banner john bender moment?  no? yeah. i didn’t think so.  No Mom Award for me.  Just me. Going RAAAAH in the kitchen at six in the morning as I type.  Because you know? I’m okay with falling into bed with children.  I might even be better than okay with it.

Beach UnwifedMotherExpletive Burst Bubbles

I am signing off now, as said teenager will be clomping down the stairs shortly.

*oh, speaking of burst bubbles.  My almost 12 declared himself a vegetarian at dinner last night. there goes my ability to feed him.  he ate a plate of roasted vegetables that he hated and ate some fish crackers for dessert. someone help.

le sigh.

 

 

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Humanity

hermit #423

I’m retreating. i can tell i’m in retreat because i’m feeling unattached to my online community, and unsearched for… this petulance is not something i like in myself, and so i’m just going to sit on the sofa, do my thing and wait for january.

its November, which is historically fairly hard for me, post-divorce. so much navigation of the past, with two kid birthdays which are, still, not shared. and yes, i find this unbelievable, and it hurts my hippie soul that i can’t yet welcome ex and his girlfriend into my home, but i can’t. i think one or the other, would be fine. but together? no. i envision myself following them around, telling the ‘true story’ behind his stories to her, the rotten undercurrent that was there, the spot where he sat when he …

my kids tend to talk a lot more about their dad because of all the negotiations and the tids and bits i hear cause me a fair amount of consternation and i have to re-learn how to separate myself from that experience. every year. so far.

believe it or not, thats a lot of progress.  i hate that i am being asked to do this every November, frankly, but so it goes. a lot of people wouldn’t expect this of their ex, but here is where i am.

it is also an anniversary of my dad’s death, and his favorite season, and so much memory and thanksgiving and Thanksgiving.  I took the kids and LM to the beach this Veteran’s Day, to throw rocks, or skip them..to search for seaglass,  in memory of my Dad. Its all just so sad, sometimes, this evidence of a bumpy life.  I tell my kids all the time that life is just bumpy. If you’re in a smooth spot, there is a bump ahead and a bump behind. and that it keeps on rolling anywhere you are on it.

November is a pretty fucking big bump for me, and its just about halfway done. and there is a birthday party/celebration already over with and i get a reprieve for two weeks before the next.  i certainly wasn’t planning well during the conception. shit.

so. 4FucksakeNovember meant i wrote for 4 days straight. thats all.

moan moan moan.

1019191313

 

Humanity

Tids and Bits – writing highlights

I went through one old journal, the one i was using for a current project when I realized its first pages were of two years past. there is little to no chronology in this thing, and its gotten a few pages of work notes thrown in, as well as notes i took while listening to something regarding cybersecurity, so it was a while back now.  (i still can’t look at my old blog. sigh)

and i am here to share.  I highlighted with the marker i had at hand, so the notebook itself has a new layer of color, which makes me happy. 

here we go, favorite to possibly irrelevant… writing highlights…

  1. what a woman is most interested in is INTEGRITY.  (oh man. yes.)
  2. endure. endure. endure. the best and most holiest of words.
  3. hands covered in oil pastel
  4. rattletrap of daily life
  5. expectation has never done me any favors
  6. i’m able to shut off an old memory, in a healthy way, recognizing it for an echo of familiarity rather than a re-hash.
  7. what if i’m not found on the map?
  8. water is not clean, ever. it is a carrier of things.
  9. as beaches go, these are the males of the species.
  10. Mary Oliver: I have wrestled with the angel and I am stained with light and I have no shame.   (god bless god bless)
  11. i was just day to daying and there was nothing beyond the kitchen sink.
  12. the richness I give because of the marrow of my bones.
  13. kitchen sink dreams
  14. fraught with domesticity.

Highlights in Onion - UnwifedMotherExpletive

 

Humanity

NANO, NONO, 4fucksakeNovember

i’m not really doing the write everyday, make a novel challenge in november. shocking, i know. it is already the 4th, and my intention was to write every day all month, just for myself and from that writing, glean something worthy of sharing.

and then Halloween and the collapse the day afterwards, a day of work and soccerfinals, and willful lounging, and here i am, on the 4th day of November.  So I’m re-naming my plan the 4FucksakeNovember writing plan.

catchy?

4FucksakeNovember.  4FSN.  I did write for 20 minutes this morning, which is a great start for me. and here I am here. So doubly delicious.

Here’s a little of it. Its from a prompt by Cynthia Lee, in noticing color… i don’t know why the formatting is off, but lets act like its intentional and seek meaning where we find things of notice.

yeah? There are two 6’s. and I’m leaving it like that.  take a deep breath, LSlaT. 

1.the yellow lights in my kitchen, only yellow against the turquoise of the walls, the white framing of the doors, all chipped and peeled and damaged by dogs and children alike. 

2.the wilderness of color i surround myself with, almost too much, maybe.. Its impossible to see a blank space in this kitchen as i write, the blue and red of the glasses, 

3.the purple of the new cleaner for the littlest’s first ear piercings. Ah, the life she has ahead of her. 

4.the boy who pierced her ears was perhaps the most flamboyant person she has ever met in real life.  It was fun to watch a person living in flame brushing against this formed and unformed small buttery redhead. 

5.the shiny green of my bomber jacket, that all my kids say makes me look huge. And they’ve all tried to wear it to school. Even the freshman.  Because mom is a big-bellied badass. 

6. Pink sofa in the kitchen.. i’m going to sit in it and watch the fire while i write this winter.  It will be the first window that i cover in plastic this november, because of this plan. 

  1. My fingernails are black in favor of Halloween and I think I’m going to keep it like this for a bit.  I quite like the drama. And it makes me laugh how much pretend i play. 

  2. The dishtowels have bright yellow bursts on them. I made porkroast with giant chunks of orange carrot in its midst last night. None of the kids understand why carrots must be included, until i point out the colorscheme involved. 

  3. Memory is a little constant this month, a little too much. And i see it in the shadows of the other rooms in the morning, that lurking presence.  well, less lurk than hover. It is here, so much. 

  4. The gold peeking from the dogs mouth as he assaults another plastic doodad from a kid collection, that gold he should not have, that gold i am glad he is assaulting, as it means there is one less doodad in the house. Nothing gold can stay. 

  5. emblem of fall, isn’t it? nothing gold can stay. emblem? metaphor? symbol?varsity letter jacket. noone writes ‘nothing gold can stay’ in country rustic decor. i guess that means what it means. no one wants that reminder. 

Kitchen Colors UnwifedMotherexpletive

Humanity

Foxy, foxy.

Dia de la Muerta figures UnwifedMotherExpletive

There’s been a fox in my yard lately, sniffing around my chicken ladies.  They are safe, particularly at night, if, in fact, they are in their coop. But. and there is a large BUT, they don’t know enough to stay there. And I’m torn. Do I tell them? Do I cage them? Am I responsible for derailing their one wild life?

Its hard out there, for sure. Being solo in the wilderness is not a long story. Predators are, in fact, designed to defeat your precious freedom.

(I’m not an idiot. I’ve made a pen for my ladies, as they are the meagre survivors of a brutal season of bird, fox, automobile that affected their ability to safely free range. I’ve never seen anything like it. I buried a lot of chicken hit in the road. WTF. )

(and, far far too many jokes.)

but as i consider my life as a grown woman, and what freedom i have to choose… the gross amount of privilege i enjoy, the way in which i am forever tied to my family of brood, i am highly aware of the foxes out there.

Some of it is as simple as feeling shame for living on alimony and child support.  Its an entirely social construct, a pen, if you will, and i can live in it while throwing myself against the walls, or not.

some of it is as complicated as a new man in my life. LM still. but how much do i rely, how much do i allow, how much of merging is a loss? i’m going slow, slow, but these are things and thoughts that are real real.

sigh.  Fox medicine says that

If Fox has chosen to share its medicine with you, it is a sign that you are to become like the wind, which is unseen yet is about to weave into and through any location or situation. You would be wise to observe the acts of others rather than their words at this time. Use your cunning nature in a positive way; keep silent about who and what and why you are observing.

If i’m to be like the wind, cunning and clever, (and silence is, frankly, already out the door… ) i’m just going to keep on keeping on, watching and waiting and letting it ride.