Humanity

Profound Hearing Loss. #1

SUPER PROFOUND.   super. Heh.  its not a tragedy.

I have profound hearing loss. in both ears, but one of them is completely deaf.

so grapple that one to the ground a little, if you please.

I was born with misshaped cochlea so i always had hearing loss, and wore two hearing aides from the time i was four.

when i was 26 or so, I was hit by a car door while riding my bike (think wayne’s world)  and broke all the bones in my right ear, (not that funny) which means its currently unfixable… (that one’s a longer story, but whatever. skipadoo)

person riding a bicycle
Photo by Bianca Gonçalves on Pexels.com

what all this means?  i’m not a snob, i’m not aloof, i’m not even as shy as you or I think I am.

but socially? I’m the queen of awkward.  I say hello and its incredibly possible that i’ll have absolutely no idea what you say back.  fun times. i try to figure it out but damn. if its not ‘hi’… i’m a little lost…

the worst possible situation for me is a baseball bleacher set.  or basketball. There’s a lot of environmental noise, people are in all directions, and there’s tons of chatter that comes out of nowhere, unrelated to what is going on in the game.

because one of my ears is deaf, i can’t tell which direction sounds are coming from. someone will say or call my name and i’ll turn in the opposite direction. because ALL the sounds come in the same ear.  its trippy.

so usually i will park myself off a little ways, with my kid who is young enough to want a blanket to roll around on still, or in the case of basketball, I’ll be in the middle of a pack of family, so that no ‘outsider’ chatter will be untranslated by them…

it can be crippling sometimes… like, its just so much easier to stay home, to just surround myself with people who say somewhat predictable things…

trying so hard to hear or figure out what is going on — especially when its just the little drips and draps of casual conversation — is exhausting.

i mean, its hard, like fingernails in the palms, eyes squinted in concentration hard.  and thats all for a punchline that already passed everyone else by.

its not something visible.  its something eminently forgettable.  even in my marriage my spouse frequently got annoyed by my asking for repetitions, and i think it possible he forgot from time to time.  (and this might be my generosity problem, but thats another post) …

i read lips like a champ, and so most of the people that i know have no idea that i’ve got such profound loss. i’m an excellent ‘passer’ .

but i’m getting older. and my tolerance for b.s. is at a particularly low ebb, and so i’m putting this out there for some people who are regularly pissed off at me for whatever it is you get pissed about.

I CAN’T FUCKING HEAR YOU.  COULD YOU PLEASE LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU SPEAK? COULD YOU TAKE YOUR SUNGLASSES OFF BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE IF I CAN’T SEE YOUR WHOLE FACE?!

Okay, that last one … its a thing… because I stare at people so much when I’m trying to ‘hear’ them, i really do recognize them by their whole face.  i think its weird too, but I think lots of people are like this. take your damn sunglasses off if you want to communicate.

act like it matters.

Wow. digression. and aggression. whoosh. i’m not actually mad at anybody.  how could i be?  its standard behavior and if i haven’t told anyone i’m almost deaf, HOW COULD ANYONE KNOW?

whoosh. sigh.

anyhow. its part one. the telling.

 

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Humanity

Coffee and Intention. . .

today is saturday, and for the first time in forever, i lay in bed. . . i mean, the dog woke me up, i came downstairs, let him out, 5:30 am, warmed up yesterdays coffee, let him back in, went back upstairs, looked at my phone to see the time, and put it back down.

closed my eyes and tried to think about what i want to do today.  i cannot tell you if i have EVER had a moment like this before. my brain didn’t really know how to handle it… my thoughts shot all over the place.

i thought of pulling cards, i have these so pretty oracle cards that i like to take inspiration from… sometimes that makes me feel like my day has some spirit in it…

what makes these days feel valuable ? these days with no kids in which i have unscheduled time to lounge, or ‘whatever i want to do’… and really, its just saturday, i have saturday.  BUT, MY GOD, I HAVE A WHOLE DAY!!

I thought some about my hearing, because i feel like i need to start sharing more about that.  I have one ear that is deaf and one that has profound loss. and that makes two. and its a big deal for my social interactions.  and it won’t do anything but get worse… hopefully slowly… 🙂 but man, sometimes people-ing can be exhaustingly hard, because i’m concentrating so hard on things that are so tiny…

i thought about my kids, one of whom is at a retreat with his quaker friends, and was home sick yesterday with a headache, but literally slept from 8:30 in the morning til 3. but is fine. right? teens.

i thought about visiting a big yardsale at a mill in new bedford today…but i’m trying to save money for the summer and for taxes, so i’m staying in and not browsing temptations… paint my nails? clean something? organize the towels? damn that kondo woman…read the rest of the Penny book?

my anxiety about ‘missing the day’ was high, and its now, 7:26, and i’m up and typing, so you know i didn’t linger very long…

i have some confusion about people who plan their day like that, is there a meditative aspect to it that my froggy brain can’t absorb?

do i just need practice? do i need to wait til i’m an empty nester? i still have a kid in my bed most nights and i roll out of bed in the morning like a ninja/samurai to keep from waking anyone until i’ve had coffee…. envision me hitting the floor in a crouch… because frequently, its real. . . 🙂

eyes open, boom, move. no thought.

white cup filled by coffee
Photo by Jonas Mohamadi on Pexels.com

i’m just looking, i guess, i’ve got to find my rhythmn for considering my days before they are all gone…

i’m happy for you type a’ers… but its not me, and that wouldn’t work for me.

what do you do?  how do you set intentions for the day? do you give yourself the time?  how?

 

 

Humanity

Golden Orbs and Mud

i’ve been trying to wrap my head around something in these past couple days.  bumping into alcohol again makes me feel pretty badly about myself, which is irrational, i know, but so it is anyhow.  i feel like mud.

but then someone said something so SO nice about me, something I am very very proud that could be said about me, not simply because i believe it to be true.

she commented on how strong my support was. and it is. when i love someone, i plant my feet and lean out over the water and face the hurricane down. i really fucking do.  and i deeply feel that the people that i love deserve the best that there is. and anything else is unacceptable.  it is deeply true and whether that friendship is virtual or not, i fucking think that my people are absolutely golden orbs in the world.

and many of you reading this are those orbs. and when i find someone in need of my support, i plant those feet again, or bring my ass right down to the ground, open my chest and send them all the light and love and fierceness that they need.  and most of the time, it is felt. almost always. because the energy around me shifts and the energy of the whole world shifts when that sort of love is shot out.

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So what i’ve been grappling with is this… how is it i can feel so lonely but feel so connected?  am i waiting for crises to happen to get that connection?

also, it makes it a little bit difficult with the number of people coming in and out of my life as i date. mostly, i will only date them if i feel this love… and i grow this love like the best green-thumbed organic farmer you’ve ever been jealous of…

its been hard to bump into people who don’t want this fierceness.  i fundamentally do not understand. its beyond, ‘well we’re not a good match’… i don’t mind that, at all, its true, so far, every single time… 🙂 however, the abiding, the glowing orb love is still there for me, i still would fill the room with my love for any of them. literally. and i don’t want that to change.

i just wonder about it. what is it?

my heart hurts a little.  physically, i mean.

i think with the mud feeling comes resentment, which is always a lie, i think.  but while i am being lied to, i wonder where i am in this energy surge. . .

its like a cost-benefit analysis, oddly enough.  i’ve just marie kondo’d my bedroom and there is a shit-ton of clothing that is out of my life, and old pillows, jewelry and blankets. gone. i mean, so much so i struggled to lift the contractor bag i filled . and the three or four others… and i’m not feeling the lift yet.  i ‘m not feeling the ringing of the bells, just the flat affect of a person who now only owns three pair of pants and two leggings and a lot, a lot of skirts. so whats the cost? a day of work, an hour of dropping off.  the benefit? mm. um… huh. i did feel glad that someone is going to be completely psyched to see some of my pants on the rack.  i did feel that postponed joy…

huh. so this. all this. i’m wondering. and feeling like mud.  while surrounded by you lovely orbs.

 

and if you are thinking, o, its so nice that she loves all her people, i say this to you in all sincerity… nope… its you. its you, too.  you get it, you freaking worthy glow-y orb.

Humanity

I forgot to give it a title. That’s where my brain is at.

yesterday i wrote in a hurry, unconsidered. it was almost as if i were still sitting in my car, ready to go to breakfast, and i turned from cancelling a date to the computer. almost like that…. and so, if you didn’t understand it, i am with you.

i have a friend in ‘pastoral care’ who likes to grimace (she’s so beautiful, it doesn’t even bear any relationship to a grimace…its amazing) and say… ‘another fucking growth opportunity’….  and thats how i’m feeling today.

i’m fine, its fine… really.  i just feel impatient with the learning curve i am on, regarding me and alcohol and the ability (or not), that i have regarding it, moving forward.  Grammatically that last sentence was a doozy. and i’m not sure it has any flow. but i can’t look at it anymore.

moving on.

i don’t heavily subscribe to the notion that you must learn a lesson in order to move on… like… complete step 4 of the ladder before you can take step 5.  I’m all nimble on the ladder folks… think mountain goat on a Himalayan.

but this?  i have gone on first dates with nice men who decided to be drunk for that meeting. (like, startlingly drunk.) i have dated for months a man who needed to nap frequently because of alcohol and pot usage, and also was affected physically. (eyebrows) i have browsed a million and a half photos of men holding beers, at bars, on beaches with beers, at bars… with beers. i was turned down for one meeting because i DON’T smoke pot… I had a first date who drank so much he was unable to drive home. (and i liked him anyways…) . . . i’m not even drinking anymore myself, really.  i just can’t stomach it. (literally, as it turns out… me and hangovers are a serious thing, and thats with just one drink.) but also, my kids are seriously freaked out if i have a glass of wine with my spaghetti.

and yes, there is part of me that thinks i am a ‘mark’ for this particular trouble. and so i wonder about the universe and the lesson that i have yet to learn.

what the fuck is it? i mean, seriously.

alcohol bottles celebration color
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

i am so bored of this conversation.  SO DONE.

so how do i get out of this loop?  How do i let the freaking universe know that I AM DONE?

Humanity

learning curve

/again and again and again. kate, you must practice saying no to alcohol. kate, you must practice knowing yourself.

kate, you must learn more and more about your own fears and insecurities. all the time, focus on them all the damn time, because you will be pushed and plucked and placed into situations where you will be nudged,

making the first date is really easy for me. choosing to face the second is much more daunting i think . . . its the challenge to my system, a challenge to my arrogance that demands that i not have ‘feelings’… a second date demands consideration, i think.

maybe this is why i tend to just have first dates that last for months. its a simple act of self-protection. call it what you will.  its worked for me up until this point, but it strains now, pulls against the bit.

i’m just tired.

i wanted to have breakfast out today, but my date had a hangover and needed extra time to recover. so i gave him some.

i call bullshit.