Divorce, Humanity, Uncategorized

Fog continues. Grief. I know fabrics.

Today i’ve turned off all the kitchen lights, and am typing by computer screen, sparkle lights and a damp grey morning. soft wool. 1120180831a

people are really lovely, they really are. above all.  cashmere.

and still, yesterday i almost crawled back into my bed while the kids were here.  it can be done, but i can only handle it when there is no will left in my body, and vomit is coming forth.

so i must have some will left in my body while the fog is here.  i stay out of bed while kids are here.  old school corduroy, stiff, scratchy.

but man, this grief is hitting hard this year.  and its been five years, so there isn’t a real trigger, except in realizing how much time has passed and how mad i am at my dad for not being here for these five years, and how i would really like to have him around, mad or not.  and how i still look for him everywhere. piles and piles of washed cotton, cold and damp.

its been a big five years.

i think i’d still be unhappily married if it weren’t for what his death showed me.  it uncovered the truth of my unhappiness. the untrustworthy man, the unreliable man, the inexplicable man that i was married to brought Bold in the loss of what in many ways was his opposite.  the things i loved so about my husband were washed out by the things which really make him ‘not the marrying sort’… no matter how many times he tries.

and here i am, swamped into the tub, barely reaching the lip to see out.  turning down work, or asking for delays while i sink.  flannel.

man.

 

its been a big five years. plasticwrap. (not fabric, but still. how it feels.)

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Divorce

Sliver of Innocence, you glowing thing, you.

So, yesterday I had therapy.  Well, technically, I missed therapy.  My appointment reminder happened five minutes before i was meant to walk in, and its 20 minutes from here.  My frantic call, my hatred of self for having to pay for something I didn’t even benefit from… blagh.

BUT, as the universe unfolds and unfolds and unfolds again, it worked perfectly. she had a space later in the day and another patient mistook her appt and showed up just in time to take my missed space.

get the convolution that unfolded for all of us there?

Believe it or not the point of this post has nothing to do with any of that. Actually, i think that is fairly par for the course for my meandering style.

One of the things that has been bugging me lately is my own idealism.  Its causing me grief as I try to date or not date. I try so hard to accept people as they are, and I think 98% of me does this…  but there are slivers and shards of me that are looking for the big love, the knight in shining armor, the completely unreal.

And I’m trying to deal with these slivers in therapy. and its messing with me on the daily.  Those slivers still can’t believe that the big love I had wasn’t enough. That the big love I had didn’t meet its match in reciprocity. Those slivers kept me in a marriage about three years too long. They are little fiberglass splinters… can’t see em but they hurt and hurt and hurt.

I KNOW that this is my naivete. My little glowing shard that Superman opens up the vault with… I KNOW THIS.  But I am so mad at that little glowing thing.  I am not sure how to wrap my hands around it without choking it to death.  I’m afraid of what such violence would do to me.  What if its my golden center?

AAAAARGGGH. I don’t have the answers. but it has been suggested to me that i invite the glowing shard in, ask her to sit down at the campfire with my cynicism and my creativity and my color obsessions and make some new stories.  some grown up ones, where golden can stay, and change, and glow.

so i have work to do. a whole shebangs of shebangs the drum.

 

 

Divorce

The EYE. Halloween. Happy Divorce.

I’m sitting by the fire. Its quiet. There aren’t any kids within 150 feet of me. I’m enjoying the hell out of the eye of this storm.

I got them all ready. I fed them. I visited the two neighbors that we are wanting to visit. Then their dad arrived. and they all left.  I got one family of trick or treaters. so far. but its 7:30 on a school night so its very possible that Halloween is over. for me.

They will return, and I will shower them, and calm their rattled sugar-infested brains. They will brush their teeth. Someone will yell and it will be me. Then the lights will be off.

Out of all the days, all the holidays, this tradition of my ex doing the Trick or Treating is my most favorite. ever. MOST.FAVORITE.

IT MIGHT LITERALLY BE THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING DIVORCED. Happy Divorce dance. right here. right now.

i confess to missing tons and tons of kids at the door. but. not right now, while I’m in the eye.

I whispered this whole post. Because I’m in it. THE EYE.

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Divorce, Humanity

grounding, grounding…

so. i make a big statement in the previous post, like, ‘tell the universe’… and its sort of woo-woo, and some people (my internal world) think froofroo = avoidance of  GOD words.  but i don’t avoid GOD words, just so you know.

when my dad died, just about 5 years ago now, I lost my faith. utterly.  it wasn’t right, it didn’t make sense, it did NOT fit the faith system and security that i had thought was there.  call me a priviledged whitie, its allright. i was. and probably am, in more ways than i’m even aware of .  (and i am aware.)

so boom. lost my dad and lost my faith blanket all at once.  it left me reeling, both were things i took great comfort in, since and after i was old enough to talk… i’ll tell you that.  i think the support of them both, and the loss of them both made it all the more clear to me how desparately sad and unsupportive my marriage had become and made me rise up and bring about its end.  bwahahaha haaaaa.

AND SO.  while there are millions of pages to be written about the above paragraphs, still, today is not that day.

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i find myself growing a new faith. now, five years on… little sprouts of faith in myself.  (without losing humility, at. all.)  faith in the world, faith in humanity, faith in goodness… its a rebirth of that supportive net that i had all my life, but with new shapes and colors… but the same feelings…

its a whole new relationship with the concept behind the words i used to use.

and its ironic, as the whole world seems headed for hell in a handbasket of intolerance.

but i’ve been thinking a lot about how i can gather more moments of stillness, more moments when i feel my feet planted… when i feel like my intuition and guidance systems have a chance to be heard…..

and i think im going to think some more about it… I’ll get back here in a bit… 🙂

lurve…

 

 

Divorce, Humanity, Uncategorized

Divorce, Money and Pride

Everyone couple has a different story. Money in the divorce, who gets what, how do you move along with disparate ways of life, with new incomes, perhaps radically different incomes, different responsibilities in terms of childcare, and of course, the occasional emotional upset.

I remember telling a friend about the split and her first question was whether we’d be selling the house.

it rocked me right back. i hadn’t even thought about it.

(it was early days, there was a lot i hadn’t thought about, or realized about my new reality.)

I am living, currently, on child support and alimony.  entirely. the little bits and bobs that i bring in from rent, selling clothes and doing writing gigs for my friend are barely making up the difference for the amount i told him we could cut it down this month.  Its tight.  but i’m still able to be home for my kids, and i need to be, as no job i could get would equal the childcare i would need.  anyhow. you’ve heard it all before… mother’s hours and all that.  wah wah.

i could not afford to pay the mortgage on this place, probably even with a ‘traditional’ job.  its a doctors house. it IS unpretentious, but big in an eye-opening way.  but here i am, living in it with three kids, a dog, a tortoise, a cat and 14 chickens.  although, to be fair, the chickens live outside.

i’m incredibly lucky to have been able to be in this house for this whole time, and so are the kids. the few times i’ve glanced at the house-selling subject with the kids, its been pandemonium and upset.  and, while upsetting the kids is not a reason to struggle to keep this place,  it is a small proof in my eyes, that it might be worth it.

argh. i don’t know.  i need to think things through.

what i do know is that my pride is deeply involved.  the parts of me that don’t want any fucking money from him AT ALL are at war with the parts of me that want him to remember me.

hotrod die cast model on board
Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

and OH MY GOD. of course, anything can happen, at any time. but i’m not waiting for some ‘partner’ to arrive, with tons of money and a handyman’s skillset.

as i type, a piece of an out-building just fell to the ground.

so there is that.

so, i don’t know, man. there is a lot.

and i’ve just barely brushed the surface.  i think i might make it a series… like dickens, but wicked boring.

 

heh.

LOVE TO YA, YA MONEY GRUBBERS!!