Humanity

ALL and NOTHING

guys. there is so much. i know you know it. and i tip the hat to all of us.

two of my three will be fully remote, school-wise this year, to begin.

my youngest will be the one grade of our district which is starting out hybrid. So, she’ll be going in two days one week, three the next and remote the other days. i’m not going to lie. i’m uncomfortable and trying to challenge myself in letting her go. because the numbers say that even in catching covid, she’ll be fine, as would we all. but i worry because that is NOT true for all the households in town.

my ex is willing to be involved and take some of the days of home-based school, at his house, which is good and a nice change from the spring. . sadly, his involvement is causing me a fair amount of stress because i still carry so much fear about him and relying on him for anything. I’m back to having bad dreams about him and memories are causing me more unneccesary heartache.

as a whole there is too much anxiety for me to process. I’m back on the antidepressants and glad of it but its no miracle drug. I’ve started attending a zoom-based worship meeting and thats helpful, its essentially a quiet hour, but i like seeing the faces of people i love and respect.

i’m worried i’m going to become an agoraphobe. anyone else have that?

in the past weeks, i think as the weather has shifted, i’ve been able to think a little about my own emotions. I think being convinced at some level that the world is ending has got to stop. (politics, virus, environment ) I need to plan some long term goals and get myself out of survival mode. I’m still sheltering, and i need to get out and feel a future for myself.

sigh. i know we’re all in this together, in some way.

Humanity

unsuccessful vacation

prefaced by: don’t give me suggestions or tell me I should have called. not helping, plus, its blessedly over.

OK.

kids went to their dads full time for a week. it happens once a year in the summer, usually around summer camps so that they’d be away from me anyhow. usually I go somewhere, last year I had a loveliest man who took me away and treated me like a golden flower.

this year, it was a staycation. I didn’t have any plans, though I thought I might do yoga, but didn’t. I thought I might write, but didn’t.

I realized this morning when I made my coffee that I hadn’t made fresh coffee for awhile and the pot was dirty. ( GAH! it was vacation and I was reheating old coffee, day after day?!)

it was mostly the coffee that made me realize the depths of my lassitude.

things I did do: I went on a covid-era first date. it was fine but date number two was cancelled as the only option he gave me was to come to his ‘room’ and snuggle. i’m just not there yet, with a stranger, or, rather, some dick who thinks I’m that desparate. (its a mixed bag: wherein you realize you have self-esteem/deeper desires for yourself and also that you missed out on a chance for sex. sigh).

I slept late, last night I slept on the sofa in the living room because a fuse blew and there is no way in hell I am going into the basement at night, ever. So I slept in the ac with the dog at my feet, and it was okay, honestly.

I went to two ballgames. The boys noticed but hardly. Glad I showed up and missed episodes of whatever the show was. I watched tv during the day. I drank alcohol that was so sugared up that I probably just could’ve had a grape soda and would’ve had the same headache in the morning.

I had a birthday breakfast with my mom and sister, as my mom turned 75.

glimmers of progress.. I read a lot. some good, some kids-age, to check out summer reading choices, and I started ‘white fragility’ which of course, I am dreading. but I have begun.

I got my nails done while essentially wrapped in plastic. I was pretty intimidated by all the plastic so everything is red, and matchy. There is a certain glory in it but it doesn’t feel like me, so, weird, right? I tried unsuccessfully to tame some part of the yard. I did a butt load of laundry, which was a mistake. initially I tried to get it all done so I would have a vacation without laundry, but really, I just ended up doing laundry all week long.

so. it was a full week, and there were far too many hours in it. i’m not sure what it means about me, or about my mental health that I did so little. it was a pretty hot week but i’m not feeling excused by that.

so there it is. I was not productive. I did not make progress on anything but laundry, which is just a loop anyhow so fuckit.

and its all over today at 3, when I pick up tired and hot kids who’ve not worn sunblock for a week. and my insides settle down.

Maybe then I’ll try and figure things out, when the walking pieces of my heart return.

Humanity

Corona Crazy

i’m hearing from others, too, that this is a legit thing. A new, recycled thing, new to us and you, and again. Yes, we here in New England are opening up after mostly surviving our first wave. That first wave is thrashing its way through the south and west currently, because they thought we were making it up? that they didn’t need to take it seriously because they believe the President? I’m dealing with a bunch of anger and confusion and stress these days.

I feel like bullets are in order:

  • my teenager is furious that he can’t spend 24 hours a day with friends. FUCKING LIVID. You should see the look he just gave me. I felt my ovaries shudder.
  • I am torn between the issues of my first kid needing true and real and lifelong independence and socializing and the existence of a virus like this.
    Like, it’s my first time letting a kid go, ya dig?
  • dating doesn’t really happen right now, so we are all supposed to just text until we die. This is very very unsatisfying, as it does not contain sex in a real sense and also, my imagination is too goddamned good and i’m making people WAY better than they actually are. and, believe it or not, that is a sort of pain.
  • also, as to dating, in the isolation of rarely seeing another adult, the ‘import’ of communication with a stranger is off-balance and it is making me insane. its just a distraction and I am treating it as a ‘thing’.
    and I am desperate for a thing. And it does not feel good. Another sort of pain.
  • AND I AM A MOTHERFUCKING BADASS. WHY WOULD I EVER HAVE TO CHASE A MAN? I KNOW BETTER. WHY AM I FEELING CRAZY? (corona crazy)
  • how are we supposed to take care of our kids in this? why can’t we find clear answers?
  • soccer practice started, no games scheduled, and they aren’t allowed to be near each other on the field. oh fun.
  • baseball practice started, first game is tomorrow. we’ll see what that looks like. I have a camp chair and a blanket and a butt load of snacks.
  • I love you all anyhow, even though i’ll never shake your hand or give you a hug again.
  • i’m not fucking olaf but I really miss it all.

Humanity

Do you still dream of escape?

I have been, lately. I think that suddenly doing the quarantine singly has thrown me back in time a little. I did this dreaming when the kids were little, when the marriage was sucking me dry and not giving me anything in return. I was thirsting for something, and my dreams of escape were daily and full of despair. I was just drowning, all the time, and the shore seemed like heaven.

I’m back to dreaming of escape. My only resource, really, is this house and the equity I will have in it when the kids are grown. So, it’ll be for sale. No home for the grandkids here. Which fills me with all sorts of sadness of the future grief sort. Not to mention the weight of an imagined future grief of the kids.

And its not the same kind of escape as before. Its not an escape because my life is horrendous. Its an escape because of circumstance, and change. And that’s an entire world, you dig?

I don’t know what will happen. I don’t envision finding a partner who wants to take on the financial burden of this place, even if I got the mortgage down to a reasonable rate. Hello, quarantine/reopeningbedamned makes it pretty unlikely i’m going to be making plans of any kind for a while. (good and bad here. patience is a lesson I am always learning.)

AND, I also want to allow that my kids will be fine, that they may not have kids, might not need me to have a net for them for the rest of their lives, as much as I want to spend the rest of my life providing one. Imagining the weight of future grief doesn’t seem like the best use of my life’s moments.

And so I am thinking about what I will do then, when the littlest heads off to college or whathaveyou. Will I buy an RV to live in for the remainder of my days? (nah, probably not)

The idea that I could go anywhere, try anything, be anywhere? Its pretty inspiring. and the reality is slightly scary. Presuming that I don’t have family besides siblings at that point, will I try to get closer to them? Will I head for natural beauty? Will I aim for the small town at the center of every picturesque whitey American novel? With the little community coffee shop bustling with gourmet treats and artistic flair?

Will I just buy a little house and try to stay healthy til I die? I mean, its all the rage to be middle-aged, right? But then comes older than that.

I think I need to widen my angle a little. Maybe I’ll have a real income earning job and I can host lots of ladies here, to rest and rejuvenate and chase chickens for their own betterment. I mean, I could do that too.

There are more possibilities than I know about. I have to keep that in mind, and keep my eyes open. Dreaming of escape without despair? Should be dreamy, right?

Right?

Humanity

Topsy Turvy

The world is all fucked up. The country that I live in, especially. The Right, the Fear Mongering, Keep the BOrders closed from Brown people, the ‘its okay to kill brown people, they weigh less on the scales of justice’… that group is stronger, everywhere.

the quarantine is not over, but we’re all leaving the houses, exposing ourselves and our children because we can’t bear it. we just can’t bear it.

WE JUST CAN’T BEAR ANYMORE.

and that, of course, segways into the Black Lives Matter movement. The most shattering thing? White people needed to be reminded, or to have it brought to their attention. again.

I am not holding myself apart from this.

All lives are worth the same. The value is in the LIFE.

I’m not one of the oppressed. Color has never been a barrier to anything for me. and my cute and chirpy little white girl face has gotten me out of more trouble than you could imagine. None of it is intentional, but I’ve been aware for a long time.

I acknowledge it. I see it. I imagine it will happen again, because the society hasn’t changed yet.

and the thing is, the fairness actually comes in ALL OF US getting the good stuff. ALL OF US getting a warning instead of a ticket, a smile instead of a baton to the forehead.

ALL OF US DESERVE LOVE. JUSTICE.

AMERICA NEEDS A NEW WAY.

(in absolutely no way am I saying ‘all lives matter’ in opposition to ‘black lives matter’. in absolutely no way. you sure you get me?)