Humanity, Uncategorized

better now

i am, i really am.

but i’m having a bit of a rough go of it this morning, getting back into the swing of keeping busy while in betweenst works.

but the slowness is good, right?  gives me time to think, make a plan and think of its steps…

sometimes dropping the ball lets you see the whole field. 1010181645c

deep breaths along with the thump of the heart beat.

i might be deciding to date again. i haven’t fully made up my mind. i’ve been given a greenlight by my steady lover, because we both know he is too busy (me too) and too far (me too) and we love each other but.

its okay, and there? practicality rules. without sorrow, especially.

and. because i love him, i still have him. any way we can.

but in this deep breath, moment of quiet,                   i know how much time i spend dithering with online dating… fiddling with responses and swipes and that doesn’t even get me to the actual meets.  its a form of long-winded shopping… many many windows…

so it gives me more pause than i was expecting.

i think i might have other things to do.  maybe my man can just come find me.

someone tell the Universe.

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Humanity, Uncategorized

Self-Care

Good Goddamn. I am 44 years old and this is still something that I struggle with.  I have had kids for the past 13 years, and my youngest is about to be 6… no longer do i have the excuse of toddler or nurser to explain why i can’t seem to get out of my own way to do something long term or loving for myself.

the writing thing is a step towards that, but i am curious about how much of it is driven by the need to be an available parent to my kids… i think its driven by ‘self’ but i’m really certain its a mixed bag.

whats been going on lately is this big and gigantic exposure to a world i don’t know anything about.  and i’m not talking about the rope-stuff that my last dating friend shared with me. at all. don’t make me. (but i’ll whisper it to you later if you want… )

all this tech stuff, this make-an-office-stuff, this hustle for some bucks stuff… every single step of it is new… and i’m becoming more and more aware that i need to be stronger and stronger to handle it… i’m spinning… and i need to be more aware of where my feet are placed. . .

so these things:  i need new glasses.  i’ve needed a new prescription for months. MONTHS (which is a great word to say out loud, just so you know… slowly)  but i haven’t made the call… WHY?

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and in this office of mine, i’m crunching my back in a dining chair that i love, but that has no place in any office where typing takes place. none.

so this morning is my second day of headache and my first day with a really painful back… so much so that i was up in the night researching kidney infections… yes, yes i was.

it just blows my mind that i rate so low on my priority list that where i sit to do all this work, and my very vision! is something that only occurs to me once the body utterly smacks me around.

its crazy, and more care of myself is necessary to the survival of my gig, my kids being a central part of that.

SO WHAT GIVES?! Why is it so hard?? ? ?

have you found yourself there? have you solved it?

 

sidenote: i made another youtube video today… talking about this but ending in the same place as always… HERES THE VIDEO

 

Uncategorized

right between the eyes.

my head hurts. right there, between my eyes, but sort of off to the right… my teeth hurt, i feel the headache in front of my ears.
all this, you say, all this? yes.

i’m squinting at the screen. i think the font has changed. but i’m squinting, so who the hell knows? (the font had changed… i was typing in the html view). dang.

this blog now has tracking, analytics, an email optin for a newsletter that i hope i write sometime… i’m not entirely sure everything is connected to the right things. its a switchboard nightmare…

although, what am i going to say? a newsletter? anyone want that? really? you dig? i say it here, whatever i’ve got, i drop it here, like steaming….

i don’t really want to sell anything… i’m getting stretched out. pinched.

sand in the eyes.

i’m not in a dire situation. i’ve eaten too much sugar and i want to fight someone while i sleep. a satisfying kick-ass dream, where, yet again… i don’t get hit. .

i’ve picked the slate back up again, y’all, back on the online dating scene.

mostly for kicks, to be less bored with my time-stretching weekends…
and right now i’m chatting with a guy in california.

i’m no dummy. california is not going to happen. but i’m mostly convinced that he isn’t who he says he is… should be fluent in english but he says he’s from texas and he spelled Houston wrong…. i can’t wait to see what happens….
if he asks me to fly him here I’ll blog it live. i swear.

i didn’t really intend to pick up the slate. i posted a photo of myself on instagram and tagged it #singlemom and guess what? i got at least 5 messages on instagram. who knew that was a thing? men trolling single moms??

yeah, why would that be a problem?

meh. my eyebrows are hurting. the switchboard tentacles have won for the day…

 

marketing office working business
Photo by Negative Space on Pexels.com

save me popeye….

Humanity, Uncategorized

Messing About

….and making a mess..

one of the things i’m trying to do is make this place a more ‘bonified’ site. which of course is ridiculous as i have less than 30 readers currently. ! but i love my 30 readers so i’ve got to apologize for any whack that comes through in the meantime.

an empty shop, new analytics programs, ads, twitter, the national political game…oh my gawd, blaghblah… all things i’m trying to add in to my worldview and i am currently in the overwhelmed-by-change stage of my Monday morning.  hopefully the words will still come through all the streamers hanging from the ceiling… I’m just not at all sure that all the things are connected and i really need a goddamned mentor who can tell me what the hell is going on.

because i no longer know.

feet legs animal farm
Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

its not that unfamiliar a place for me, frankly.  right? i mean, certainly politically the past few years have been pretty damn volatile, and the whole world is off kilter, somehow.

people are mean, and small, and i don’t think i’ve ever settled on that as firmly as i am today.

but i’m curious about tomorrow. and November.

and i wonder if all this will be old-hat for me at some point.

there is this sense of arrival that i’m waiting for… not yet, not yet, the wind is whispering…

my curiosity is piqued… my overwhelm is high, but i’m hanging in…

urgh.

y’all.

hang in there, all of us…

Humanity, Uncategorized

Venturing into YOUTUBE

OH my god, you guys. this was hysterical, and mostly because i had to do that schpiel like four times, because first i used my laptop camera, which, evidently, doesn’t share to anywhere. so, second go… dog barks, in my face, halfway through. third go, its on instagram but i don’t really want it on instagram… and number four, Phone.

is that not amazing? that my lil’ bitty phone is the most reliable and easy to use of all the tech i am surrounded by? i think its amazing.  maybe even a little daunting, and i should probably treat it better.

anyways, here it is… my very first youtube video…