Humanity

Archetypes and Mother Teresa

yep, you read that right. I’m on day 3 of listening to * Carolyn Myss talk about Archetypes, and how we all can relate better and feel more connected when we use a common language of symbol and metaphor.  (of course, cross-cultural might provide hills and valleys, but Mother, Mother is the broadest thing in the universe, potentially, but is still Mother. Child, Warrior, Student, Saboteur, ) These are elements we have within us, not what we do to others, necessarily.

For fucksake, Mother Theresa wasn’t even a mother, and she was.  right? we dig? Its not ‘literal’, its symbolic, full of meaning that doesn’t even need to be spoken. men can be Mother, ladies without kids can be Mother. whatever.

again, whatever. So, work is slow and I’m looking into the things I love.  I love mysticism, have, do, but because I went to a Jesuit College, I studied a whole bunch of mystics, and I don’t envy them a goddamned bit.*= I mean, we’re talking very very dark trials and tribulations, some including blood and abandonment and hysteria, and super early deaths.  So, you know, not that much of a celebrity thing.

BUT, I love Mother Theresa. And I’ve been getting into the whole ‘Listening to things on tape/phone’ thing lately. it allows me to concentrate in a way that I haven’t for a very long time, almost collegiate-ly.*-

“If I ever become a saint—I will surely be one of ‘darkness,’” Mother Teresa wrote in September of 1959. “I will continually be absent from heaven—to light the light of those in darkness on earth.” *& This site

oh, man, she is my guy. (I know)

and one of the archetypes that i’m learning I have in me is that of the Innocent Child, the Magical Child… ooooh, sparkly lights and rainbows and steadfast faith and oooh, a butterfly!! its not an immature thing, or naïve, but it is a pretty significant part of me in much of my life thus far. And… every archetype has its flipside, or ‘shadow’ and the times when my child is despondent, and believes in nothing, and hides in the blanket fort, are for real.  Disappointment, loss of faith in the goodness, oh man, they swing through and knock me down.

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I am not equating my mood swings to Mother Teresa’s dark nights of the soul. except metaphorically. **

anyhow, i’m freehanding this, and I want to stop now to go back to thinking. so, there. Oh my word, I just started to type something about how my bulletpoints below are hollow but stopped to look up what that meant literally and oh my god, guys, what kind of world are we living in?!

*I don’t know much about Myss or Sacred Contracts, or what not, but I ‘GET’ the idea of archetypes, whether we grasp them on the surface or just recognize them floating under the dock.  I just ‘get’ it.

*=my language is pretty damn funny/punny. unintentional, I swear.

*-let us now talk about the girl who is deaf getting back into ‘listening’, shall we? no? okay then.

*& I don’t know anything about this site but its where I got the quote so I had to link.

**if there is a God, and a ‘living’ Mother T, then i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m not worthy… full on face in dirt.

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Humanity

draft, freewrite? what-have-you at the car repair…

i’m at the car repair place fixing a recalled item. its going to be about two hours and I’ve got to make my own prompt for writing:  How do you access what the *Lionness* wants you to? (this is a reference to the archetype I’m embodying these days)

all my readings have been telling me to look at my joy, to just be in the JOY. and i’m like, yeah, gimme another blanket and let me settle down further into my bog.

I’ve stopped taking my antidepressant and I think it is good but am struggling a lot with how to support my system between 4 and bedtime. I have so little time with them, and then i’m a wreck.  it doesn’t seem like a fair deal .

boys here in what look like suits until you look down at their feet and see their shoe-style.

and distraction aside, I think that guided meditations are the way to go for me, and i’m still not doing that. I found, or my Lionness found, me that way. in my ability to sink into my own body and my own imaginative base, which I have, and how I have seemed to survive this past few decades. which is still an amazing thing to say. decades have passed.

what I mean, in my huddle, in my mess of blankets on the couch with my fears around me like infinity scarves gone wrong, is that I am moving, but not moving at the same time. in two ways.  my lists are getting crossed off, i’m handling things. i’m applying myself, i’m in the fall cleanup, and i’m not. i’m not any of that. and it happens during and around all of the same actions.

I get interrupted to be frightened by the car repair man that I need a timing belt replacement. I am here to fulfill a recall.  happily I remember that I have a new engine in there, ask me that fucking story. no, don’t.  so I don’t need no stinking timing belt. thank you very much.  nobody is getting any of my money today, and hopefully that includes the vending machine I am staring at, which has chips AND candy.  bastards.

what I mean, in my need to keep writing, to give myself some sort of structure in the day, is to give myself more of a foothold into understanding myself.  there is a lot that I get, dig? but this whole HERMIT thing?  its not making me feel like I can take care of my kids independently, and that’s a pretty damn big deal. I say.

and what I mean, really, is that I know I can take care of my kids, I know I can. I don’t even doubt it for a second. Don’t make me fuck you up.

but I worry about the money and the living on alimony/childsupport mix.  still and always. I am not good with dependence. Sunlight on Houseplants UnwifedMotherExpletive

which brings another fear in the LM category . (Loveliest Man) What if I do fall in deep love with him? like dependent love? wherein I need him?  Isn’t that the death knell ? isn’t it? why do people do these things? LM, be not afraid. also, don’t comment. I can’t handle it.

And herein lies the end of the freewrite.  Apologies? I don’t know. But here I am, trying to give myself a foothold that I am sure of… its always good to have one foot on the ground, yeah?

*(i’m learning a lot about archetypes lately, and for me, Lionness has shown up, and that sort of matches up with Queen archetype, and also Mother, and also Warrior, so there.)

 

Humanity

the world is scary. its not the poor people.

i’m not scared of the poor and desparate people of the world. i’m not.

the indifferent wealthy? oh yeah, those people are terrifying.

its not the clueless, befuddled middle class, or the angry American lower class, or the startled and confused college-educated women who voted for Trump… its those pesky people that I’ve only seen from afar.

the people who could buy and sell me. and know it. kind of, because it would sort of be ‘beneath them’ to deal with a little person like me.

its not the poor people who are trying to get into this country to make a better life, who travel hundreds and maybe thousands of miles with their children to pick strawberries for 10 hours a day.

its the guy at the top, willing to close factories because the profit goes from 10 billion to 8 billion. that particular guy happens to be a woman. she made 22 million, personally, that year.

just saying. lets put the fear where it belongs. lets be scared and be angry and direct it all in the right direction. there’s no way I can make this about me, and fool myself that ‘as long as I’m allright, it can keep going on this way…’ because that day has passed.

don’t you think?

Humanity

what’d you do today, freelancer?

I don’t have any work to do today. I mean, I’ve got two jobs that are on hold, or i’m awaiting a response to the last message, etc. So I really have nothing to do.  I’ve moved the sofa. I’ve got a wing chair in the middle of the kitchen now. I’ve measured something. I’ve danced. I took a bath. I’m clean and I watched a zombie show. I am keeping the chickens locked up today because there is a fox, and he has been fed twice in the past two days and hella, stop.

This:

Last night I got a text message from a mom whose kid is/was a friend of my teenager.  sometime in august some shit went down and she just heard about it now and was texting me to essentially find out about it, complain and judge me and my job as a parent.

let me be clear: my kid was part of something mean and unkind to her kid. my kid was mean and unkind.

full stop.

but I don’t really take kindly to the notion that I then get a lecture on parenting from another parent. As if my 14 year old kid is not responsible for his decisions.  Because I was upset at the text series, I looked again through his phone, talked with him about the incident yet again and when I told him that the boy’s feelings had been significantly hurt, he had remorse, again, as he should have.

AND YET, it is still not my responsibility to control his first actions.  I’ve given him a model, and earlier on, explicit directions on how to treat people.  And he made a mistake.

I do feel sorry for it, and sorry for her kid, because it sucks to be in high school sometimes. it really does. and he got hit with flung shit (not literally).

But the patronizing, and the moralizing, and the judgement that I got?  I fling that shit back and out. No.

BUT because I avoid conflict, even within myself, the anger splurted out at my kids last night.

(yelling)
“SHUT UP. I LOVE YOU BUT PLEASE SHUT UP.”

lots of fun at bedtime. guilt. anger. guilt. anger.

so I leave you with this:

a new pink sofa. free, by the side of the road, with a twin. small enough to haul around the house on a freelancing kind of day.

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Humanity

dearth, of your interest, yes, and mine.

its raining. its the second week of school. i’m getting my feet beneath me. I have a kid home sick.  (fist shake)  I have still managed to do all things I needed to do first thing, which included work and reply and I even tried to track down that email that has slipped through the cracks to no avail.  John T? I’ve lost it, apologies!  I’m trying to find out how it could have happened, but no. its not happening. technology and I are seriously on the outs.

I’ve had my burst of sending the hard emails and now there is a dearth of energy, of willingness to engage in the action. its the rain, I know. because it puts a ‘damper’ on my ability to putter outside to complete list items, and I resent it. and I resent my own inability to ‘fight the good fight’ and ‘get out there and get the job done’… blagh. . . (in New England, its sort of like admitting you are the anti-Christ, to be lazy. it is sacrilegious…)

But here I am, I’ve done everything on my list that can be done in-house and its only 9:24.  I might as well jump.

heh.

-uwmfSurrender UnwifedMotherExpletive