Humanity

In the middle of the week. (a pallet fence)

It is Thursday. I’m going to call that the middle this week, defying all convention. but you know, seven doesn’t divide neatly on a calendar anyhow, so don’t send the hit squad, please.

Summer started here on Tuesday at noon.

Which means, for me, three kids in the house all the time, likely possibility of it being five at any given moment.  Five feels like seven, believe me. Some of this i typed last time i posted. bear with me.

summer brain is like pregnancy brain.

there is a great deal of uncertainty about things that were formerly quite absolute.  and i’ve arrived there. took a day and a half.

yesterday, on a wednesday, the loveliest man (LM) and i put together a pallet fence to protect the chickens-to-be from predators. Because, it turns out, I really like having chickens, for the comfort of their feathers, the curve of their eggs and even their confounding stupidity.  i remain uncertain as to whether god made a mistake in their pea brains, or not. but don’t tell god i said that.

i made a pallet fence.palletdetail

 

and there is much to do, to wire up the whole thing against digging critters, but it makes my whole place look distinctly farmy and delightful in a way i would never truly have expected in my life. (its sort of how i feel right now about LM in general, although he is definitely not farmy)  Its delightful, and I’m going to paint it purple. (not the LM)

Honestly, the pallet fence was so easy, i feel like i need to fence in all the things. stand em up, brace them together and you are done. chickenwire in the ground will happen in the run during the next dry day.

i’m going to fence in my kid who turns 14 at the end of this month. he’s so in it, the life, that i already miss him, and he’s here. so, a paddock it is.

i’m going to fence in the LM, because i barely know how to handle such loveliness and sometimes i need a pause to gather all my panicking feathers.

i’m going to fence in my middle E because he is growing towards 14, and is so independent and will be the crush of my heart when he doesn’t throw himself on me to hug anymore.

i’m throwing my littlest in the fence because she’d love it, the nook aspect of a new cuddle spot, and LM has promised to build her a playhouse and I’m so convinced of men being liars that I don’t want her to know about any of it. so she can never be disappointed.

i’m throwing a fence up around my heart because i’m so content that it is terrifying. chew on that one. I will have a gate so LM and kids and family can come and go.

there will be gates everywhere. and doors. and windows.

let the light flood in. leave the cracks.

sigh.

-uwmofo

 

 

 

 

 

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Humanity

Summer begins

I think, from my point of view, on this rainy muggy day, that it feels like the beginning of a long stretch, one of those times when you know that your two jobs are going to overlap such that you might not have time for a dinner break for two more weeks. like that. except it is two months.

and i have it easy. i’m not trying to juggle child care. i am child care. i work at home and the kids will be making their own breakfasts this year, all summer. and this means many more breakfasts for dinner, because i can make eggs like nobodies bizniz.

so, its happening right now. they are all home. my tenant has her two kids here and that means 5 kids in house. my littlest is out on the trampoline with her littlest, so there are benefits, but it is also a whole lot of negotiation all the time, but mostly i get over that pretty quickly.  the benefits of a girl for the girl are pretty good.  except when they suck. then it sucks.

my kids go to their dads tonight and my honey will come over for grilled cheese and soup. because thats the kind of day it is.

just sharing, because i don’t know what else to do. the days are spinning by.

i’ve done a lot of summers, i don’t dread them anymore, and i know i’ll be fine and that it ends and i’ll even be sad that it was so short then.

i’m working on things, and trying to figure out how to make sure that I still rate as important during the summertime, that i continue to work on work and on myself and what i prioritize EVEN when the kids are here.

EVEN WHEN.

0503190655
www.seasoulblessings.com  GO LOOK.  

this is the feeling i want to have, at least SOME of the sweltering days this summer, the thrill, the endeavour. (those funky brits, always the extra ‘u’) THIS. how do i truly swing this with a potential of five sweaty urchins?

but i read this earlier, in a listing of the day’s details, calling them  ‘the day’s minor urchins’ … and suddenly its all romantic, dickensian-like. romance in the grit.

thats where we are.

-uwmf

Humanity

old wives tales

ideas for someone else to do.

old wives tales. tales from people who are or have been a wife* for more than a decade. … all your tales are old wives tales. all the things you’ve learned, all the world you’ve seen.

lets venerate ourselves. more, more. more.

get those glennon doyles, those liz gilberts, those oprahs, those anne lamotts… get them, put them in one spot and shine the hell out of them. read them to our kids, start borrowing bits of their knowledge and calling it our own, because we’re them too, just not with any platform.  we do know as much as they do, actually.

although i envy the hell out of their ability to think and process and then SHARE so well.  i’m missing at least one step at all times.

but still. bring it on, we old wives. . .

0427191244

 

*recognizing ‘wife’ doesn’t have to mean ‘church wedding’, or hetero-anything.

Humanity

Lies I tell myself lately. . .

bakery baking birthday blur
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I will eventually be done with this.

(it applies to 100s of things, and its a lie, in 100s of situations.)

I’m not addicted to my screen. I read.

(I haven’t read in weeks. if i could write this in teeny tiny print i would.)

I know a little about technology.

(i know less than a cupful of the ocean, and I get by on graphic directions only.)

I’m not that good at a lot of things.

(it is 100% true that I am not good at things I do not care about. truly. but what I DO care about? rockstar.)

I don’t know what I’m doing.

(yes, yes I do. I just don’t trust my instincts. But I’m still doing the things. and worrying about it as it happens.)

I’m going to join a gym.

duh.

 

What lies are you believing lately?

 

Humanity

Projection is a motherfucker.

I did, I did try to come up with a better title. I mean, there are kids here.

But my kids know my language, and thankfully have no interest in what i write, so, good.

So. therapy yesterday was cancelled because there were, albeit temporarily, two kids home sick from school.  one went in late because she had a nap and all was well. turns out, my almost 14 year old still likes to whip himself into a froth about exciting things and is comatose in my bed while he ‘prepares’ for his trip to DC.

But, I got to talk to Chakra Carol on the phone because I really, really want to know what all this harsh judgement of others is doing/serving/exposing in me… because i’m not really allowing myself to talk to anyone because i’m so ugly inside and it just hurts.

Chakra Carol says:

A relationship arrives which gives you the opportunity to heal.  You have a lot of anger, but now there is no one to pin it on.  You cannot trust, but there is no one to pin it on.  SO KABOOM, out into the universe it goes…

KABOOM.  because, dealing with it in myself is much less clear and easy than looking at other people and judging them for what sins i see in myself. pretense, manipulation, control issues…

Am I false? falsifying my life? Am I manipulating facts to make pretty stories? (i seem to be failing this, if its my intention, because hello ugly.) Mostly, I don’t think so but ask me if I value my self… i dare you.

Ask me if I believe in my innate goodness? Do i deserve fresh coffee or do i deserve yesterday’s remains? (this, yes, is actually a thing)

My fears are running wild. so i have work to do.  noticing. ( a big C.C. thing)  in noticing, not judging.

say, ‘I am fearful of being in a relationship in which I am not mistreated’.

say, ‘I am afraid that I am inherently unlovable.’

say, ‘I do not trust that I can be loved.’

Notice it in me, and don’t judge it. let it lie. point at it, if need be, but let it lie.

slow. slow. slow.

roll on it like a marble.  but don’t judge it.

maybe if i can lay it down like a river, i’ll remember my compassion for myself, and by the transitive property, the rest of the world.

because .  we both deserve it. me. and the world.

Shrubbery Heart Unwifedmotherexpletive
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