Humanity

Business mindset.

one of the things that i’ve been doing lately, besides being huddled in a corner about online dating, is trying to get myself into a business mindset.

i’m not really suited to a business mindset, lets just say… i err on the side of long, hot baths and writing odes to the stonewall out my window, and i spend lots of time trying to figure out how to indent dialogue to make it flow better, in flagrant disregard to the ‘rules’. there are a lot of rules about dialogue, i hope you know.

the boss i have (that i love like a fuzzy bunny) that had me do his company christmas/holiday cards, also asked me to make a list of possible ‘thank you’ gifts to give to his new clients.  . . so psyched…  bath salts, hand creams from sweden, chocolates with bacon bits, a popcorn popper you can use in the microwave, chemical free! ….

he was disgusted with me. (no, he wasn’t. but he did groan a lot.well, maybe he was a little…)

i did not have the proper mindset.

business is different than human. by a long shot.  his new customers eventually got gift cards for a new password security service.  i’m sure that someone was excited.

its why the thank you cards are navy blue and silver, and only say ‘thank you’.

if i am starting to approach my income-earning as something of a business, there are steps i have to take.  like,

  • measuring my office so i can claim it on my taxes…
  • like figuring out my hourly wage and making sure that i actually charge the right people for the actual time i work.  i’m really terrible about that particular part, and you’d think my sheer need for the money would override this problem, but it doesn’t.  even with my fuzzy bunny boss, i don’t charge him for all my time because i feel stupid for working so slowly.

and thats a little bit of bullshit, frankly.

and i don’t really know what to say about that.

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but i’m going to deal with it, somehow… that bullshit belief that i’m not good enough.  maybe it has something to d

o with being a stayathome mom for so long? being undervalued by others/society

/mate? undervaluing mySELF for it all, because it wasn’t from a book, or in a martha video…. and it was hard and just kept being hard when they were little? and i was in an unhappy relationship that only took from me and never fed me and so i forgot to feed myself? i just forgot about myself? yeah, yeah i did.

this, THIS RIGHT HERE is the business I have any business dealing with.

this word, this space, this body and my understandings of it.  my world is super small, and blooming. tiny. trembling. curious anyways.

that is not bullshit. and i am sticking to it.

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Humanity

Self-Check, and then WHAT? (bullets AND asterisks)

So. if one realizes that she is setting up dates just to avoid doing stuff by herself, then what?

should something be shifted?

STUPID ONLINE DATING again. and what it makes you think about.

  • i had two dates this weekend. technically three, but we mutually cancelled the third because it was too much of a hookup connection and that is easy, but not what i am looking for currently. boy*..it was nice that it was mutual, he’s probably a nice, but randy fellow.

  • i don’t really want to have two dates again this weekend. at the end of it all, i felt like my weekend had sort of been hijacked by the experience.  could’ve been the three sports events too… but sunday lunch getting the kids and being wiped out isn’t really my bag.

  • one of the dates was really nice. i would have liked to be invited out to dinner by him. he plants trees. no invite yet. and none coming. boy.**

  • the other date was also nice, but definitely an incompatible situation, and thats where i have to stop to maintain graciousness.

  • so, what? i’m… what? why do i feel like i need to make decisions? like, Decisions? wild directional changes because of a mundane and uninteresting weekend?

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*can’t tell you how long its been since i ‘decided’ not to go for the easy.  damn. easy is way more fun than ego-bruising curiosity games.

**RESILIENCE!!   ….it takes me a good ten hours to get my ego back to a good spot (it being one of the first times i ever didn’t get a second date request…) … ten hours and then i can honestly say that it doesn’t have to do with me, as much as it does with him, what he is looking for and what he wants for his life, whatever that may be.   during that ten hours, though? boy.* i am full of the suckitude and the fears.  am i too fat now? am i not as funny as i think? am i too much of a mom? too much? too much? too much?

*** unconnected asterisks***   all the men i’ve had first dates with? it wasn’t about them, either. it was about me. and what i can handle, or not, or how much ‘drama’ i foresee in my pretend mind…. and some of them were really nice, and good. wanting a second date sucks. thats where the hard stuff actually is. (but also some more fun stuff.)

i want the fun stuff. I WANT THE FUN STUFF!

 

 

 

Divorce, Humanity

Little bit fallen.

this one’s a little tricky.  so- –  it was a surprise to me to be sitting with my ex and his girlfriend at two sporting events this weekend, in the same day.  it was ‘my weekend’ and wasn’t expecting to see him at all… so i was traipsing between birthday parties and soccer and basketball and lunch-out… like all the days of life….it was busy and i needed to call on my mom and hero brother to do some of the maneuvering, in order to fit it all in.

and in the past, i’ve been given a little warning that it would happen. but i suppose that time has passed.

i am so thankful for the experience, really.  it shows me how far i have come and how much there is still to go.  i can make eye contact with her, fairly easily, at this point.  but not him.  that man i used to call HubsJ.  Watching them have intimacy in that casual way of couples doesn’t hurt at all in the jealousy way, which was very nice to notice…

but it hurts in the way of ‘none of it is real’ way…  if it was false for me, it will be false for her. . . if it was so false for me, how will i ever know when its not?

…. and i am not really sure how to incorporate those things into my world view.  THAT hurts.

The small piece of me that wants them ostracized for the total annihilation of myself is small. really small. but burns pretty brightly in my self-critique.  Maybe I would’ve brushed my hair or something ? but that’s only a maybe, because i live my life pretty damn well, and hair-brushing isn’t a thing that hits my list very often.

–In my self-critique, it is the small fire of ‘revenge’ and ‘judgement’ that I’m so harsh on.  I do feel both, that J is a monster, and that J is not a monster.  Both. and I want everyone to know, both. and the vaguery of this, and the fogginess of it…

–and i do, i do want people to rub my shoulder and love me up for surviving the experience. because man, it really is a fucking doozy.   and, i mean the marriage and i mean the basketball game.

my kids like her mostly, and i’m very happy about that.  and it continues, for me, to never be about her, specifically.  its all about J. and his utterly vacuous cluelessness.  And its about my embarassment .  my feeling of fear, exposure and judgement, failure.  i own it. i’m completely overtaken by it when i’m ‘outed’ in public like this.

I try to congratulate myself for being ‘big enough’ to sit with them. but it only works in hindsight and when I’m trying to be self-congratulatory.  (aha. doubly so.)

and in truth, it needs to be more ABOUT ME. JUST ME.  Me, SOLA e CONTENT.  me, the woman at the game with her kids, meeting her former in-laws and watching her kid leave his soul on the court. thats it. thats all it is.

I spent an awful lot of my life making everything about him. and that is not how my life is supposed to go.

there is a hell of a lot more to me than wifed or unwifed.

i don’t really want to post this one.  Wish I could tell you I was all done with all of this.

But I’m not.

closeup photo of black and green foosball table
Photo by Soumya Ranjan on Pexels.com

 

Humanity

asterisk, not bullet.

a moment, a star to mark what has been left out.

left out? so many things.

*the insecurity that keeps us back… we believe its insecurity that keeps us from being our wild and precious stuff.

*people keep saying they are grieved by mary oliver’s death.  i am not.  she has left us such a precious gift, my god, what more does anyone want from a life?

nothing gold can stay.

but i can read her glitter absolutely any time that i want to, or need to. Its still here. ITS STILL HERE!!!

*the adulting that makes us need tell another adult we don’t want to romantically pursue them. or have them pursue us.

the feeling that results when there is no pursuit. even if the above sentence is also true.

*the place in myself that is getting depressed at not meeting anyone that fires up my heart fires. maybe a belief that nothing gold can stay is making its weight felt too heavily.

*the deep worry that it is not insecurity, but fatheaded laziness that keeps us from our greater wild. inability. lassitude.

because maybe that is true.

these are the left-outs. the misfits. the misfires.

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Humanity

Coffee and Intention. . .

today is saturday, and for the first time in forever, i lay in bed. . . i mean, the dog woke me up, i came downstairs, let him out, 5:30 am, warmed up yesterdays coffee, let him back in, went back upstairs, looked at my phone to see the time, and put it back down.

closed my eyes and tried to think about what i want to do today.  i cannot tell you if i have EVER had a moment like this before. my brain didn’t really know how to handle it… my thoughts shot all over the place.

i thought of pulling cards, i have these so pretty oracle cards that i like to take inspiration from… sometimes that makes me feel like my day has some spirit in it…

what makes these days feel valuable ? these days with no kids in which i have unscheduled time to lounge, or ‘whatever i want to do’… and really, its just saturday, i have saturday.  BUT, MY GOD, I HAVE A WHOLE DAY!!

I thought some about my hearing, because i feel like i need to start sharing more about that.  I have one ear that is deaf and one that has profound loss. and that makes two. and its a big deal for my social interactions.  and it won’t do anything but get worse… hopefully slowly… 🙂 but man, sometimes people-ing can be exhaustingly hard, because i’m concentrating so hard on things that are so tiny…

i thought about my kids, one of whom is at a retreat with his quaker friends, and was home sick yesterday with a headache, but literally slept from 8:30 in the morning til 3. but is fine. right? teens.

i thought about visiting a big yardsale at a mill in new bedford today…but i’m trying to save money for the summer and for taxes, so i’m staying in and not browsing temptations… paint my nails? clean something? organize the towels? damn that kondo woman…read the rest of the Penny book?

my anxiety about ‘missing the day’ was high, and its now, 7:26, and i’m up and typing, so you know i didn’t linger very long…

i have some confusion about people who plan their day like that, is there a meditative aspect to it that my froggy brain can’t absorb?

do i just need practice? do i need to wait til i’m an empty nester? i still have a kid in my bed most nights and i roll out of bed in the morning like a ninja/samurai to keep from waking anyone until i’ve had coffee…. envision me hitting the floor in a crouch… because frequently, its real. . . 🙂

eyes open, boom, move. no thought.

white cup filled by coffee
Photo by Jonas Mohamadi on Pexels.com

i’m just looking, i guess, i’ve got to find my rhythmn for considering my days before they are all gone…

i’m happy for you type a’ers… but its not me, and that wouldn’t work for me.

what do you do?  how do you set intentions for the day? do you give yourself the time?  how?