So, yesterday I had therapy. Well, technically, I missed therapy. My appointment reminder happened five minutes before i was meant to walk in, and its 20 minutes from here. My frantic call, my hatred of self for having to pay for something I didn’t even benefit from… blagh.
BUT, as the universe unfolds and unfolds and unfolds again, it worked perfectly. she had a space later in the day and another patient mistook her appt and showed up just in time to take my missed space.
get the convolution that unfolded for all of us there?
Believe it or not the point of this post has nothing to do with any of that. Actually, i think that is fairly par for the course for my meandering style.
One of the things that has been bugging me lately is my own idealism. Its causing me grief as I try to date or not date. I try so hard to accept people as they are, and I think 98% of me does this… but there are slivers and shards of me that are looking for the big love, the knight in shining armor, the completely unreal.
And I’m trying to deal with these slivers in therapy. and its messing with me on the daily. Those slivers still can’t believe that the big love I had wasn’t enough. That the big love I had didn’t meet its match in reciprocity. Those slivers kept me in a marriage about three years too long. They are little fiberglass splinters… can’t see em but they hurt and hurt and hurt.
I KNOW that this is my naivete. My little glowing shard that Superman opens up the vault with… I KNOW THIS. But I am so mad at that little glowing thing. I am not sure how to wrap my hands around it without choking it to death. I’m afraid of what such violence would do to me. What if its my golden center?
AAAAARGGGH. I don’t have the answers. but it has been suggested to me that i invite the glowing shard in, ask her to sit down at the campfire with my cynicism and my creativity and my color obsessions and make some new stories. some grown up ones, where golden can stay, and change, and glow.
so i have work to do. a whole shebangs of shebangs the drum.