I’m feeling really weird lately. I’ve definitely been hiding truth from my online friends and i’ve not written here for an entire week.
Don’t take it personally, I haven’t written elsewhere either. (winking at you)
I have been feeling really judgemental and paranoid and really ugly, and when I feel like that? The best solution is to remove myself from public consumption. I don’t want to spread that kind of crap around.
I’m talking sneering judgement on people that I like… scorn of lifechoices. Jealousy of their ‘product’, even if its simply their cute kids… believing that people are treating their lives like something to sell… suspicion of their ‘perfection’ of marketing, sneering, lip curling crap. so much fucking judgement. i can’t stop my fucking brain. ( i even want to say its something else, not ‘brain’, but … spleen? some other part of my reptilian core…) fug.
These are people that I actually know. and like. and know.
I am full of shit.
I have been looking into it, slowly and tentatively, because you KNOW that sneer applies to myself in double doses… self-loathing is a pretty damn disgusting thing.
and I think that it goes like this:
because I’m spending time with a new man, and truly trying to expand my lovecircles,
stretching my vulnerability beyond comfort… hearing and understanding all that I never actually had before. It’s more than joy because it’s bringing up so much grief. and so much fear.
I am experiencing a massive snapback.
a rubberband snap on the risk/wrist. a bungee cord in the face.
But it’s FOUL. FOUL.
And so today, I go off to Chakra Carol, when life is so busy I can barely stand it. End of the school year freaking insanity… concerts, plays, field trips. frucking aye.
And I need therapy. so I’m going to get it today. Hopefully, she’ll realign me and get me back on the track I started out on. ? Hopefully, I’ll contain my bile and pestilence while I am with her because I LOVE her.
**I’ll finish packing for the kid who is leaving on a four day school trip to DC when I get home, after I buy him a dress shirt, because, hey, why plan in advance for these things? Last night we discovered his roommate wasn’t going because of injury, and boy, were there so many phonecalls and an irate mother and thank god i’m not the teacher in charge of this. He now has a roommate that he’s going to enjoy or two, and all is well. Everyone just say a good healthy prayer for the teachers you know. In my case, Susan Viveiros, you get a big fat prayer from me.
BIG FAT ONE.