I forgot to give it a title. That’s where my brain is at.

yesterday i wrote in a hurry, unconsidered. it was almost as if i were still sitting in my car, ready to go to breakfast, and i turned from cancelling a date to the computer. almost like that…. and so, if you didn’t understand it, i am with you.

i have a friend in ‘pastoral care’ who likes to grimace (she’s so beautiful, it doesn’t even bear any relationship to a grimace…its amazing) and say… ‘another fucking growth opportunity’….  and thats how i’m feeling today.

i’m fine, its fine… really.  i just feel impatient with the learning curve i am on, regarding me and alcohol and the ability (or not), that i have regarding it, moving forward.  Grammatically that last sentence was a doozy. and i’m not sure it has any flow. but i can’t look at it anymore.

moving on.

i don’t heavily subscribe to the notion that you must learn a lesson in order to move on… like… complete step 4 of the ladder before you can take step 5.  I’m all nimble on the ladder folks… think mountain goat on a Himalayan.

but this?  i have gone on first dates with nice men who decided to be drunk for that meeting. (like, startlingly drunk.) i have dated for months a man who needed to nap frequently because of alcohol and pot usage, and also was affected physically. (eyebrows) i have browsed a million and a half photos of men holding beers, at bars, on beaches with beers, at bars… with beers. i was turned down for one meeting because i DON’T smoke pot… I had a first date who drank so much he was unable to drive home. (and i liked him anyways…) . . . i’m not even drinking anymore myself, really.  i just can’t stomach it. (literally, as it turns out… me and hangovers are a serious thing, and thats with just one drink.) but also, my kids are seriously freaked out if i have a glass of wine with my spaghetti.

and yes, there is part of me that thinks i am a ‘mark’ for this particular trouble. and so i wonder about the universe and the lesson that i have yet to learn.

what the fuck is it? i mean, seriously.

alcohol bottles celebration color
Photo by Pixabay on


i am so bored of this conversation.  SO DONE.

so how do i get out of this loop?  How do i let the freaking universe know that I AM DONE?


learning curve

/again and again and again. kate, you must practice saying no to alcohol. kate, you must practice knowing yourself.

kate, you must learn more and more about your own fears and insecurities. all the time, focus on them all the damn time, because you will be pushed and plucked and placed into situations where you will be nudged,

making the first date is really easy for me. choosing to face the second is much more daunting i think . . . its the challenge to my system, a challenge to my arrogance that demands that i not have ‘feelings’… a second date demands consideration, i think.

maybe this is why i tend to just have first dates that last for months. its a simple act of self-protection. call it what you will.  its worked for me up until this point, but it strains now, pulls against the bit.

i’m just tired.

i wanted to have breakfast out today, but my date had a hangover and needed extra time to recover. so i gave him some.

i call bullshit.




So. here’s what i know. i know super-high functioning people under the influence.

my son and i sat and watched kavanaugh and literally picked out details of his face and speech that we recognized as “under the influence. ”



man person face portrait
Photo by Pixabay on

I don’t know what to say to anyone. I mean, if his behavior during the interview could stand alone, it should disqualify him.

and what the FUCKING hell is wrong with men? and ME? that i STILL think SOMEONE ELSE has to stand up for me?!

I certainly thought it during my marriage. and he didn’t.  but i still thought it.