Humanity

school is in session.

whoo. school started four days ago. i’ve had a much harder time with it than expected. all the self-doubt and shifting identity landed at once with the introduction of so much time. I work, but barely scrape enough to make up for the change in alimony that happened a year ago.  The farmstand parttime has helped a bunch too. it is good, i guess, as i’m still able to afford stuff, and pay for the new health insurance payment that i’ve got. kids get state aid but none for me, as alimony counts as income.  money means house security and all that. and with the kids gone it all settles in and i’d be better off alone as i’m in this space of lack and fear about my own inability to earn enough money to be independent. well, it sure doesn’t help that i’m in a house too big for my britches and i’m deeply in love with it.

all that is really fucking boring for me too, believe that. like, hellaciously so.

I’ve got cold toes today, the first authentically chilly morning of the season. and its thrilling, and my heart hurts with all the things my inner critic is saying about my ability to take care of things.

and there is this:

all the sages say:  focus on what is. be present, mindful of reality vs expectation or judgement.

shit man. if i’m living minute to minute, how do i assess plans for the future? how do i make plans at all?

i’m a 9 enneagram. you know what that is? it means i’m predisposed to avoid conflict and sometimes i get so lost in all the possible perspectives on an issue that i don’t know what my own opinion, need or want is. that makes me sometimes unknowable, i think.

so, cold. unknowable.

welcome to it, biotches.

hee hee. – uwmf

Hot Peppers School is in Session UnwifedMotherexpletive

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Humanity

old wives tales

ideas for someone else to do.

old wives tales. tales from people who are or have been a wife* for more than a decade. … all your tales are old wives tales. all the things you’ve learned, all the world you’ve seen.

lets venerate ourselves. more, more. more.

get those glennon doyles, those liz gilberts, those oprahs, those anne lamotts… get them, put them in one spot and shine the hell out of them. read them to our kids, start borrowing bits of their knowledge and calling it our own, because we’re them too, just not with any platform.  we do know as much as they do, actually.

although i envy the hell out of their ability to think and process and then SHARE so well.  i’m missing at least one step at all times.

but still. bring it on, we old wives. . .

0427191244

 

*recognizing ‘wife’ doesn’t have to mean ‘church wedding’, or hetero-anything.

Humanity

tallulah

i’m supposed to be a love giver, an affirmer.  i am.  not just ‘supposed’ to be …

i ACTUALLY am, but i’ve fallen off the wagon. and when you do that and you feel like you fail in that way, it is dank. moist. musty in a bad, bad way.

in one of the groups i am in, its actually my ‘job’ to be the lovah.  and i’m falling off. sucking at it. NOT being the affirmer, NOT showing up at all.. dodging even.

UGH. I’m trying to work myself back to authentic me. whatever that is.  like this title? i just like to say that word. a lot. so, finding the things I like and utilizing them.

i’ve taken on some little baby resets (courtesy of ms Hannah marcotti)  … for six days at a time, i’ll add a new habit.  i’ve added water to my desk. all the time, there’s a glass of water just sitting there. (so thats like, self-care, right? water?)

i’ve sometimes light a candle. (meh. only sometimes) i’m keeping the candle, but i might not keep that one. i like it, but hello sometimes i forget i have lit it. (overnight, once. so. danger.)

i’ve decided to read for all the minutes i have before six am. and sometimes thats almost an hour.

today it was two hours.

so the books are back in town, and that feels good.

i feel like my chipper is just around the corner.  i’m tired of being in my cave, kind of. only a little. not really.

but something does need to be different. and i actually need those pieces of me back, those affirming-of-others pieces… its my legs, yo.

yo.

My legs to stand on. Unwifedmotherexpletive

 

Humanity

Lies I tell myself lately. . .

bakery baking birthday blur
Photo by Tookapic on Pexels.com

I will eventually be done with this.

(it applies to 100s of things, and its a lie, in 100s of situations.)

I’m not addicted to my screen. I read.

(I haven’t read in weeks. if i could write this in teeny tiny print i would.)

I know a little about technology.

(i know less than a cupful of the ocean, and I get by on graphic directions only.)

I’m not that good at a lot of things.

(it is 100% true that I am not good at things I do not care about. truly. but what I DO care about? rockstar.)

I don’t know what I’m doing.

(yes, yes I do. I just don’t trust my instincts. But I’m still doing the things. and worrying about it as it happens.)

I’m going to join a gym.

duh.

 

What lies are you believing lately?

 

Humanity

Sage on the mountainside.

i can tell you this.

i’d never hangout on the top of a mountain. that seems fraught with peril. i’d much rather a small cabin tucked into a nook for safekeeping, with herbs hanging from the rafters and birds that are my friends and some predators that have adopted me and protect me while i sleep.

visitors get to sleep by the fire.

so thats one thing. one thing of all the things i could tell you . so many.

when i went out to clean the chicken coop i discovered one of my hens had died in the night. and its possible she was bonked to death by the several roosters (4) that i have. but i am sad. and after disposing of her in respectful ways, i didn’t really feel like diving into chicken poop anymore.  so the wild springclean has slipped down the list.

but i’ve torn the plastic off a single window and opened it.  ( i am not willing to commit to the plastic-free windows til we are past the frost date because sheesh, frosty toes are bad.)

i was barefoot today.

Still am.

Another thing is this:

I’m lonely, true. But I am so happy that I am not dead, and that I am not still struggling to find my way in that relationship.

Another thing is this:  even with a jackass for president, the world is still indescribably beautiful, and we should all be working for peace in the whole of it.

If this means shunning gun manufacturers or right wingers who think hurting someone is okay, then i’m allright with the shun.  both the silent and the vociferous.

Let’s find out who they are. yeah?

and another thing:  i have organized three whole bookshelves for myself.  and this, in a room that once held all the books of the world, three, for me. only me. all my books. well, hells bells, not all. but comeon, i’m making a point.  there is Poetry, there is ART, there is serious fiction and then there is fantasy fiction, because i love a good swashbuckle with magic, and maybe a dwarf.

its kind of thrilling. and it felt really nice to do for myself.  amidst the dozen popup books, and the christmas collection and the riordans and the nonfictions, there they sit… my three shelves… the kids won’t even notice, but that was my saturday gift to myself. a little mom in the mayhem.

Maybe not trekking up to the top of the mountain will give peace to the seekers.  That would be nice.  I can make soup? Come visit.

#sageonthemountain Slow Down Be present. Take it all in.