Humanity

Ground yourself. On purpose, like an adult.

if i’m going to try to write a bonified essay on tips to center down… then i need to actually start gathering the wool for the sweater.

wool! ways to gather your spirit and warmth back into your body.
1. put down the phone. duh. you already KNOW this one…
like literally, away from you. silence it. give yourself a block of time. 30 minutes at least.
2. stare out the window, go outside and sit on the porch. squinch your toes in the grass like richard gere… (if you are my age you know exactly what i’m talking about.) do absolutely nothing with a little chunk of time. think your thinks. allow yourself to not take action on any of it.

3. sitting up, take some deep breaths. don’t count them… 🙂 just take them

(i keep staring at the young bearded guy across the coffee shop. i forget that i might be too old for guys in their 30s now… how amazing is that..)

4. grab something to be momentarily inspired by. flip the pages of a book and look for a quote on the page you open to, that somehow relates to your day. a tarot card, a favorite word… think about it, puzzle it out in your monkey brain…

(girls with backpacks bigger than they are… oh, man..)

5. circles. I think of this as a Quaker thing, but believe its more general than that. allow the visions of circles in your mind, slowly enlarging and enlarging til infinity and dissipation, and then back, should you so choose.
so many color possibilities but i’m amazed and curious to say mine are almost always grayscale and pastels… and it just brings you into focus, allows the space for clarity.

6. pray. doing all the things. open up, quiet down and ask for help, guidance and the quietude to hear an answer…

(oh god, not in his 30s, probably 20s… could’ve birthed him! aaaaaagh.) …

and
give yourself permission to do this, any of it, all of it. Its as important as laundry, if not way way more important than laundry. okay? did you hear that?

you are more important than laundry…
and being connected to yourself as a natural part of the world, belonging as much as a tree or a sunset. really. thats how much .

i think its a thing that most people just do not believe about themselves. truly.

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Humanity

Sprouts.

its fall, its not the right season to be talking about sprouts or thinking about them… i guess… even the color is wrong. gah.

but then you look around here, the new england color palette is much more complex than you think.  maybe i’ve been with little ones too long, but the primaries just don’t cut it.  there’s purple out there, and fresh, lithe green… amongst the oranges and the burgundy…and brown is a pretty dynamic color after all..

so maybe you can handle my sprouts-y talk…

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out my back window, a window i don’t think i have ever appreciated except now, now that i spin in an office chair and see whats around… the yellow of the light touches everything, doesn’t it… and the blues of the shadows… the greyscale of the window…

pink hydrangea out the other window… dusty rose… there’s no other season it can be but fall… something about the light…

sigh. i think i’m forgetting what i set out to talk about… something about growth and sprout…

i know what it is… and how i’m going to talk about it… but my mind is taking a color walk…and so i’ll get back to it tomorrow…

lurve lurve… kate

 

 

Divorce, Humanity

grounding, grounding…

so. i make a big statement in the previous post, like, ‘tell the universe’… and its sort of woo-woo, and some people (my internal world) think froofroo = avoidance of  GOD words.  but i don’t avoid GOD words, just so you know.

when my dad died, just about 5 years ago now, I lost my faith. utterly.  it wasn’t right, it didn’t make sense, it did NOT fit the faith system and security that i had thought was there.  call me a priviledged whitie, its allright. i was. and probably am, in more ways than i’m even aware of .  (and i am aware.)

so boom. lost my dad and lost my faith blanket all at once.  it left me reeling, both were things i took great comfort in, since and after i was old enough to talk… i’ll tell you that.  i think the support of them both, and the loss of them both made it all the more clear to me how desparately sad and unsupportive my marriage had become and made me rise up and bring about its end.  bwahahaha haaaaa.

AND SO.  while there are millions of pages to be written about the above paragraphs, still, today is not that day.

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i find myself growing a new faith. now, five years on… little sprouts of faith in myself.  (without losing humility, at. all.)  faith in the world, faith in humanity, faith in goodness… its a rebirth of that supportive net that i had all my life, but with new shapes and colors… but the same feelings…

its a whole new relationship with the concept behind the words i used to use.

and its ironic, as the whole world seems headed for hell in a handbasket of intolerance.

but i’ve been thinking a lot about how i can gather more moments of stillness, more moments when i feel my feet planted… when i feel like my intuition and guidance systems have a chance to be heard…..

and i think im going to think some more about it… I’ll get back here in a bit… 🙂

lurve…

 

 

Humanity

Sidenotes critical.

Today i am in bed. literally, and not in any fun way.

sidenote: i’ve been wondering if i was pregnant. yes.  i haven’t had sex in a while. i have an iud. the man i have sex with has had a vasectomy.  i have still wondered. i had sore boobs, i have heartburn, which i only have when pregnant, and i’m fat.  the other thought was that i was having all these symptoms to get ready to rocket me into menopause.

super.

sigh.

totally kidneypain. its a UTI, but in me, it shows up as kidney pain and sweats and i skip right over anything involving pee. and so i’m lying down, after taking my antibiotic in the cvs driveway without even having signed my paper. the lady with the crossed eye was not pleased.

sidenote: i know why i got it.  i do. i’ve eaten at least three packages of full-on candy this week.  and i mean the tjmaxx pick-it-up-at-checkout variety of deliciousness. and then, swedish fish but the cheap version for 99 cents… my body is freaking overloaded. self-care, right? goddamn.

and now i am laid out.

sidenote: i did buy an office chair after being at urgent care this morning. its still in its box in the car, but its here. and probably i’ll survive to put it together.

 

SELF CARE, why are you such an elusive bitch?

and so damn vindictive!

Humanity, Uncategorized

Self-Care

Good Goddamn. I am 44 years old and this is still something that I struggle with.  I have had kids for the past 13 years, and my youngest is about to be 6… no longer do i have the excuse of toddler or nurser to explain why i can’t seem to get out of my own way to do something long term or loving for myself.

the writing thing is a step towards that, but i am curious about how much of it is driven by the need to be an available parent to my kids… i think its driven by ‘self’ but i’m really certain its a mixed bag.

whats been going on lately is this big and gigantic exposure to a world i don’t know anything about.  and i’m not talking about the rope-stuff that my last dating friend shared with me. at all. don’t make me. (but i’ll whisper it to you later if you want… )

all this tech stuff, this make-an-office-stuff, this hustle for some bucks stuff… every single step of it is new… and i’m becoming more and more aware that i need to be stronger and stronger to handle it… i’m spinning… and i need to be more aware of where my feet are placed. . .

so these things:  i need new glasses.  i’ve needed a new prescription for months. MONTHS (which is a great word to say out loud, just so you know… slowly)  but i haven’t made the call… WHY?

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and in this office of mine, i’m crunching my back in a dining chair that i love, but that has no place in any office where typing takes place. none.

so this morning is my second day of headache and my first day with a really painful back… so much so that i was up in the night researching kidney infections… yes, yes i was.

it just blows my mind that i rate so low on my priority list that where i sit to do all this work, and my very vision! is something that only occurs to me once the body utterly smacks me around.

its crazy, and more care of myself is necessary to the survival of my gig, my kids being a central part of that.

SO WHAT GIVES?! Why is it so hard?? ? ?

have you found yourself there? have you solved it?

 

sidenote: i made another youtube video today… talking about this but ending in the same place as always… HERES THE VIDEO