Humanity

Pedestals

i’m moving away a little from the shock and awe that caused this post, but it did, I had it.

my LM had a less than stellar response to a very old friend of mine who is related to my ex. I mean, his reaction was twofold, 1. A person who clearly loves me. 2. a very judgemental, class-oriented, conflicted criticizer.

now, these things are both true. but when you have loved someone for so long, you have a tendency to gloss over things, and put them on a pedestal of sorts.

there are so many questions;

*am I okay with this judgement because i’m usually on the winning side? ultimately, this one is a humdinger.

*I’ve always brushed off the criticisms, because of the longevity of the relationship and the humor that also always resides.

*how much do i let LM change my opinions? or am i just seeing the whole world in a new light? with a new mate who is not informed by decades of history?

*was it an incomplete love in the first place? that allowed me to do the glossing? can i absorb the new and complete version and still maintain the love and the pedestal?

Dove in the Window Unwifedmotherexpletive

how the hell do we love each other? we, complex, multiply-layered bodysacks of confusion? c’mon now… HOW?

 

 

Advertisements
Humanity

A-E. a litany for summer.

I hate to start a post with i’m sorry but here it is. its summer, and i’m sorry.

A.  i’m a sorry hot mess.

but I found an AC with LM for fifty dollars that is cooling off my entire house. and i’ve never had so much AC in my life, ever. i’ve been blowing a fuse daily and now the AC is blowing a fuse daily. i’m not sure what that means. but I should google it. right? i’m definitely willing to accept travelling into the basement as a daily exchange for cool air.

B. I can’t really handle no routine.

but i’m not willing to fight in the heat to keep one, so there is that. and outside forces like the kids having a father who lives in town and friends and such, keep activities still happening, some days. sometimes. its too hot, I just don’t care.

C. i’m a sorry, hot mess.

c1. LM is still the Loveliest Man. and that is that, but having someone who wants to be a partner and actively pursues partner-y things is giving me a lot of therapy issues. like, why did I never have this before? was married for 14 years. it makes me want to cry because I think I should go back and fix it with my younger self.  she makes me so sad.      c2. he says i’m his best friend. why do I find it inconceivable that a man could be a real friend? (there’s some issues in me that are around dark corners.) why was I married to someone for 14 years who never felt like my friend? deep wells of sadness.

D. its the beginning of July. I’m not sure I’ll make it through August.

reference all of the above. knowing that the AC in the house will change things, and maybe I will survive after all. maybe.

E. I have a job outside of the house.

I really like it but it is completely not AC. I mean, i’m totally outside, though in shade. but I love it. I sell produce. Its dreamy. Really. Its only 10 hours a week with like 14 hours of child care wrangling each week, but still. a job. motion. rumbles in the farmstand jungles.

0703191717

Humanity

Summer begins

I think, from my point of view, on this rainy muggy day, that it feels like the beginning of a long stretch, one of those times when you know that your two jobs are going to overlap such that you might not have time for a dinner break for two more weeks. like that. except it is two months.

and i have it easy. i’m not trying to juggle child care. i am child care. i work at home and the kids will be making their own breakfasts this year, all summer. and this means many more breakfasts for dinner, because i can make eggs like nobodies bizniz.

so, its happening right now. they are all home. my tenant has her two kids here and that means 5 kids in house. my littlest is out on the trampoline with her littlest, so there are benefits, but it is also a whole lot of negotiation all the time, but mostly i get over that pretty quickly.  the benefits of a girl for the girl are pretty good.  except when they suck. then it sucks.

my kids go to their dads tonight and my honey will come over for grilled cheese and soup. because thats the kind of day it is.

just sharing, because i don’t know what else to do. the days are spinning by.

i’ve done a lot of summers, i don’t dread them anymore, and i know i’ll be fine and that it ends and i’ll even be sad that it was so short then.

i’m working on things, and trying to figure out how to make sure that I still rate as important during the summertime, that i continue to work on work and on myself and what i prioritize EVEN when the kids are here.

EVEN WHEN.

0503190655
www.seasoulblessings.com  GO LOOK.  

this is the feeling i want to have, at least SOME of the sweltering days this summer, the thrill, the endeavour. (those funky brits, always the extra ‘u’) THIS. how do i truly swing this with a potential of five sweaty urchins?

but i read this earlier, in a listing of the day’s details, calling them  ‘the day’s minor urchins’ … and suddenly its all romantic, dickensian-like. romance in the grit.

thats where we are.

-uwmf

Humanity

cool stuff i’ve written.

i’ve written. swear to god, or whatever you think IT is….

so here: proof.

  • unpacking humility.  (oof. is that a book title or what? i mean, not mine, but someone’s.)
  • odd numbers are trees.
  • bubbles of nuclear family: do you incorporate, or do you bounce?
  • when what you desire is immersion and you fear it to paralysis.
  • i’d rather have empty walls and a richly vibrant lady by the fire than a beautifully ornate caravan with an empty shell of me.
  • i exist in dapple today.

these are nice bits and bobs. my oldest graduates from middle school today and its lovely, and i am feeling my age.  i hadn’t totally realized i was a middle-aged-woman, until i saw myself next to him at a pre-semi-formal and there it was.  but whatever. i can write. so there.

0515191352

Humanity

old wives tales

ideas for someone else to do.

old wives tales. tales from people who are or have been a wife* for more than a decade. … all your tales are old wives tales. all the things you’ve learned, all the world you’ve seen.

lets venerate ourselves. more, more. more.

get those glennon doyles, those liz gilberts, those oprahs, those anne lamotts… get them, put them in one spot and shine the hell out of them. read them to our kids, start borrowing bits of their knowledge and calling it our own, because we’re them too, just not with any platform.  we do know as much as they do, actually.

although i envy the hell out of their ability to think and process and then SHARE so well.  i’m missing at least one step at all times.

but still. bring it on, we old wives. . .

0427191244

 

*recognizing ‘wife’ doesn’t have to mean ‘church wedding’, or hetero-anything.