Humanity

chump? online dating scams, and why i know. why the hell i know.

 

so one of the things that has gone on in this two weeks now of chumpery is this:  online dating scams are kicking me in the ass.

these are men who have full portfolios at reputable dating sites, and the entire portfolio is someone else.  you see, you talk… you slowly feel funny………..

you are asked for money.

i am too much of an old leathered briefcase to fall for this. but i stick with it way past feeling funny, and therein lies my biggest chumpery.

here are things to look out for….

(of course there are exceptions, but these are basics.)

widows.

oh, how sad, how sad. how sad that we as women find an obviously wounded man so attractive.  eyebrows up!  hint o’truth: just cause the lady’s dead, doesn’t mean there aren’t issues.

Foreigners.

I know, you think I’m an asshole now.  But I’m not.  what you’ll find, when you look at a picture of a ‘caucasian-ish’ male, and then when you talk on the phone, he will have an accent… which he will describe as irish, and you will wrinkle your forehead about. and you will say ‘hmmm, wow… that last guy said he was irish too… why are there so many irish guys on here’… (one guy said he was italian, to be fair.)  foreign does not mean brown, bitches.

also, as an addendum, the texting you do before the phone call will be rife with mistakes, grammatical or spelling… but you will overlook it because many men cannot use their potato fingers on phone keys.

one actually real man actually typed ‘are’ for ‘our’ and it took me ages to figure out what the hell he was saying.

 

Photographs

You will see such lovely photos. So handsome. When you ask for a selfie, which you should, you will be sent one that you have seen on the website. you will ask for another and receive another, but it will not be a current photo.  When asked for a selfie, one man sent me a photo of himself in a tee by a pool.  but it was Thanksgiving, and 19 degrees where we live, and he said it was his mother’s pool.  (no one In NEW ENGLAND doesn’t close up their pool by Thanksgiving. no one.)

I actually had one ‘video call’ which was to assuage my worries about reality, and the man was cooking at 7:15 in the morning, not thanksgiving, and the call ‘cut out’.

what this tells me? man, these scammers are stealing a lot of material from people… a lot. he had his ‘daughter’ text me that afternoon asking for a phone card. she called me ‘ma’.  legit.

Children

Of course they will say they have children. because, man, we are women who want to be needed.  But of course, those children will live with their mothers or their sisters… because it is just too hard for men to do it all alone.  thus proving, how much we are needed.

Fast and Furious

There will be dramatic love, very early on, like the first day you have any communication. They are so struck by your beauty, by your eyes/smile/voice that they have never felt like this before… that it is so amazing for them, that they can’t wait to wake up to call you first thing…. They can ‘tell’ and they can manipulate and be so ‘affronted’ by any questioning… its like the perfect storm.  this is all without any actual meeting.

I think it must have some relationship to emotional abuse… because that is what it is, when a stranger can make you somehow feel beholden to them somehow… how does that work anyhow? why does that work?

——-

I haven’t fallen for anything, don’t worry, but it has happened a half dozen times, and I am not getting any faster at swiping correctly and there is a part of me that continues out of curiosity.  Should I help them out with their English? Some are so much better than others… and, I mean, how far are these guys going to go?! I presume that they do not want an actual meeting, so are they going to say they’ll show and call last minute? would i really be sitting, stood up, at a bar ?  really?  this is for what?

so i’ll buy their make-believe daughter a 50 dollar phone card? so i’ll buy a deployed soldier an itunes card? So i’ll help win a work contract or help pay for the travel there?

does this really ever work for someone? are there women out there who buy this?

i know there are. and I feel for you.  because this last guy?  he got me in the feels.

not because i ever really doubted my suspicions, but because I REALLY WANTED TO.

i wanted it to be like he said it was. I wanted to be someone’s lucky star.

and therein lies the ouch.

 

This latest one called me Queen, told me it was my smile that got him… called me in the morning to be the first voice i heard.  ( i mean, for real?!…) and the fakeness became sort of heartbreaking (in a..i’m too tough to be heartbroken by a fake sortof way) … but it was heartbreaking because its the first time i really REALLY realized that I am ready for the next thing… with a little romance thrown in, and maybe some of those frightening feelings that i’ve tucked away for so long.

i had some of that with Chef, my first lover after the marriage ended. took me a year and a half to be interested, which i still think is remarkable, and sadly devastating.

it was completely delightful. and extravagant and So utterly perfect for the first times i was having.  but the other thing that was perfect was his distance.  he was essentially a sailor, coming through and leaving soon… so challenged none of the systems i had precariously rigged to get me through my first stages of single momming. i should definitely talk about him soon. it was unbelievable, in all the best ways.

I HAVE DIGRESSED.

there’s also literal SAILORS… soldiers on deployment. i’ve bumped into foreign legion men, men who say distance in no object, who also have children living with their mothers, who also can’t seem to get itunes gift cards at the base. the government just can’t seem to keep stocked.

 

sigh.

feel me people. hear me.

SIGH.

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I am just barely amused.
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Humanity

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE

I’ve had sort of a capslocky few weeks, i think.  all within the realm of regular first-world disaster type things… car breaks down by the side of the road, yearly grief over the loss of my father, several strangers online asking me for money making me feel like a chump, my aunt making fun of my weight, a pipe bursting the day before i host thirty of my favorite extended family (including that aunt… giving her the perfect opportunity to see me for the first time in a year and ask me if i like donuts too much …) ceilings dripping with fierce abandon… as a general rule, if not in a horror movie or in a swamp plantation, the ceiling is not meant to drip. just saying.

i fed thirty people. my vegetarian lasagna was not terrible. the soup was called delicious. natasha’s kitchen by the way…sweet potato and coconut milk… i made mine bacon free, with veggie stock… the vegetarian i thought i had –is a devoted meat eater. so we all had more veggies than normal, and we’re all okay.

and then we had desserts…

it is a rough potluck, so i’m not saying i made all the food. AT ALL.

my 73 year old mother made a lasagna that got raves and put a ham on the table… my sister made a gigantic kale/brussel/apple salad that kicked some ass.  there was another salad..(from she who currently is not to be named) and turnip, cheese, rolls and pie and pie and pie and chocolate things…

we are fed. we are grateful.

my stress level did include a whole lot of third-personing, but i’ve stopped now.

and i never even had a cigarette. that whole time.  but i do admit, it is rising to mythological, how much I want to… angels, choirs… athena, diana… didn’t they catch a quick smoke just fine?  … all that… i think i might end up tippling zeus on the porch…. as a substitute…

sigh .  i’m fine.  but i’m tired of character building.

 

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the soup would have really made the composition here ‘pop’ but alas… it was in the kitchen, with all the bowls and a huge slop of spoons… 

its that song… spun on high speed… ‘we are joyful, we are joyful’… super highspeed.

thats my inner world as the whole house vibrates with the industrial sized dryer that is pointed at the ceiling in the other room.

 

so be it.

resistance is futile.

 

(my aunt is just that way. i love her anyhow.  i’m still going to eat donuts.  my curves are rubenesque and the men just love them.)

Humanity

Let me tell you this.

real quick. not a thought out post.

(laughing at the suggestion that what you and i think are thought-out posts ACTUALLY ARE)

My car broke down today, like shudders of giant metal corpse break-down. pull over. cell phone working call for tow, call garage. all set. call to be sure roommate will be there for the bus if i am not back in six hours. all set.

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garage had two cancellations today, so is already working on it. my kid who was home sick this morning as a faker, asked to go back to school and was dropped off minutes before the carshudderdeath thing.

my mother is working at a church fair 10 minutes from the garage so just gave me a lift home.

the place where the car broke down was a really fucking beautiful spot in my town that i’ve never fully appreciated.

the tow truck driver was silent. and we drove the back roads through the town I grew up in and i almost cried.

the garage i ended at washes your windows when they pump your gas.  i very clearly remember being in the car with my parents while dennis or manny washed the windows.  30 years later, still happening. . .

in the waiting room of the garage, the television was playing New England Cable News, called NECN, which seems to play local news, but its really 5 states worth, but we have so much in common, in spite of what they tell us… and it made me miss my grandmother like crazycakes. because i’d watch local news with her any day.

all these things.  and this:

life is fucking seamless.

even if we don’t fucking realize it is.

SEAMLESS.

Humanity

yesterday, smart. not smart.

it happened. i bumped into the technology wall of ineptitude.  i was crushed by debris.

look for me in the clouds, y’all.

 

( i should stop there, for drama, but there is, of course, more.)

honestly, the debris involved ads posting on their own, purportedly, and pointing people to nowhere and possibly hurting reputations… and guess who gets to pay for that mistake? whoowhee.  possibly, the problem is contained but it involved literal tears on my part and a text to my sister asking if i should be quitting to save my friendship with scary uncle.

she said no.

so i think that i have now erased everything that i have touched.  possibly.  if i get another email today, that tells me my ad is ready to roll out in a hot second, you will hear me… across the street (winking at L.S.) or across state lines…

i think that my frustration and tears were partly to do with the complete shock of not understanding. it is rare for me to come across something that i can’t grapple to the ground.

in a moment of grace this morning, i was able to envision looking back at my stresscake-ness and saying ‘woah, remember when i got so fruity?’… another moment,… ‘perhaps its not designed quite as organically as they believe’…

that’ll be nice. i hope that happens. its a large part of my identity that i’m a smart girl, and feeling incompetent is not something i tolerate well…

as is evidenced by the way i felt yesterday.

there was a lot of drama.

full on tears. in solitude, i keep that shit from the kids unless its spurts out uncontrollably. this was a silent, fatdropping tears time.

kids ate their dinner from the freezer. nuggets, patties, hotpockets. nary a vegetable in sight.

i yelled.  i had a hit-the-steering-wheel moment as i was driving my eldest to his spontaneous sleepover. sometimes the body just gets overloaded and has to fritz out. i fritzed.  (today they don’t have school as all good citizens will be VOTING like our lives depend on it, or our national pride, or something..)

maybe i’m just not smart in all the ways.  i mean, i already know i’m not a memorizer, i’m not a geometry girl, i’m no longer a slog-through-it heavy prose reader..(in college though? oh hell yes) … so. does it help me if i admit i can’t get this?

it feels like quitting.  and man, do i feel like quitting.

but.money. and sheer stubbornness. like i’ve got something to prove to the freaking facebook ads manager. i’m going to rip it to shreds. go all wolverine broody on its ass.

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I went to the beach this weekend. and dyed my hair. I wanted to put a fierce picture here, to show my grit, but I’m not there yet. i’m just pudding, no grit.

I’ll get there, don’t worry.  maybe.  highly likely. probable. possible.

Humanity

My favorite boss/waiting for a mudslide/faithjones

My favorite boss ever is the scary angel uncle in The Nutcracker.  You know, the one who is terrifying, completely, but for some reason Clara likes him and then you realize he’s a great Wizard bringing the Magic and the Fear of Mice into the world…? That guy? Yeah, he’s my boss.

He tells me to go make a facebook ad. A duplicate of one he ran six years ago.  And then he shoves me and tells me not to bother him anymore.

I cry a lot, in anguish, when I don’t know what words mean. . . and i cry a lot here right now.  CTR, CPM…. ROI… Technically, I know what they all mean, but I’ve had to look them up, all of them, and I am not clear on how they relate to me, or what i am trying to do.

and … it all hurts my heart….WHY? WHY, you say!

1. to admit that I don’t sell anything and if i have to peddle in this stuff, i might completely fail when I do find something to sell.

2. that i am 44 and i don’t know how to learn this stuff.  I don’t know whether i need to go buy a book and a highlighter and just camp out til it makes sense…

or youtube videos? pay some kid to sit with me and teach me, simple steps? how to duplicate without making a million clones..? I mean, seriously, i don’t know if i can do this.  and i might blow something ‘real’ up in the process….

and plus, you guys, WHY IS THE WORLD LIKE THIS?????

why are we tracking all this data? why are we so full of manipulation and money-grubbing?

….which is to say…. i have realized that my dream of being paid to just write for you, here, is a fairy tale.  one of many, yes, that my golden shard wholeheartedly throws herself at daily.

she just ‘believes’ I can. without any data, or product to sell. just belief. faith.

it cuts me to the quick.

sitting back, waiting for a mudslide to close the road.

what to do about this? any of it? the golden shard, crystal?

oh my word, could i be Atreyu’s Empress?! Could I?

PLEASE?!

good god, its so good to realize my true calling. so damn good.

 

 

ah. faith.   i’ve got so many questions for you.