Humanity

tallulah

i’m supposed to be a love giver, an affirmer.  i am.  not just ‘supposed’ to be …

i ACTUALLY am, but i’ve fallen off the wagon. and when you do that and you feel like you fail in that way, it is dank. moist. musty in a bad, bad way.

in one of the groups i am in, its actually my ‘job’ to be the lovah.  and i’m falling off. sucking at it. NOT being the affirmer, NOT showing up at all.. dodging even.

UGH. I’m trying to work myself back to authentic me. whatever that is.  like this title? i just like to say that word. a lot. so, finding the things I like and utilizing them.

i’ve taken on some little baby resets (courtesy of ms Hannah marcotti)  … for six days at a time, i’ll add a new habit.  i’ve added water to my desk. all the time, there’s a glass of water just sitting there. (so thats like, self-care, right? water?)

i’ve sometimes light a candle. (meh. only sometimes) i’m keeping the candle, but i might not keep that one. i like it, but hello sometimes i forget i have lit it. (overnight, once. so. danger.)

i’ve decided to read for all the minutes i have before six am. and sometimes thats almost an hour.

today it was two hours.

so the books are back in town, and that feels good.

i feel like my chipper is just around the corner.  i’m tired of being in my cave, kind of. only a little. not really.

but something does need to be different. and i actually need those pieces of me back, those affirming-of-others pieces… its my legs, yo.

yo.

My legs to stand on. Unwifedmotherexpletive

 

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Humanity

Lies I tell myself lately. . .

bakery baking birthday blur
Photo by Tookapic on Pexels.com

I will eventually be done with this.

(it applies to 100s of things, and its a lie, in 100s of situations.)

I’m not addicted to my screen. I read.

(I haven’t read in weeks. if i could write this in teeny tiny print i would.)

I know a little about technology.

(i know less than a cupful of the ocean, and I get by on graphic directions only.)

I’m not that good at a lot of things.

(it is 100% true that I am not good at things I do not care about. truly. but what I DO care about? rockstar.)

I don’t know what I’m doing.

(yes, yes I do. I just don’t trust my instincts. But I’m still doing the things. and worrying about it as it happens.)

I’m going to join a gym.

duh.

 

What lies are you believing lately?

 

Humanity

Projection is a motherfucker.

I did, I did try to come up with a better title. I mean, there are kids here.

But my kids know my language, and thankfully have no interest in what i write, so, good.

So. therapy yesterday was cancelled because there were, albeit temporarily, two kids home sick from school.  one went in late because she had a nap and all was well. turns out, my almost 14 year old still likes to whip himself into a froth about exciting things and is comatose in my bed while he ‘prepares’ for his trip to DC.

But, I got to talk to Chakra Carol on the phone because I really, really want to know what all this harsh judgement of others is doing/serving/exposing in me… because i’m not really allowing myself to talk to anyone because i’m so ugly inside and it just hurts.

Chakra Carol says:

A relationship arrives which gives you the opportunity to heal.  You have a lot of anger, but now there is no one to pin it on.  You cannot trust, but there is no one to pin it on.  SO KABOOM, out into the universe it goes…

KABOOM.  because, dealing with it in myself is much less clear and easy than looking at other people and judging them for what sins i see in myself. pretense, manipulation, control issues…

Am I false? falsifying my life? Am I manipulating facts to make pretty stories? (i seem to be failing this, if its my intention, because hello ugly.) Mostly, I don’t think so but ask me if I value my self… i dare you.

Ask me if I believe in my innate goodness? Do i deserve fresh coffee or do i deserve yesterday’s remains? (this, yes, is actually a thing)

My fears are running wild. so i have work to do.  noticing. ( a big C.C. thing)  in noticing, not judging.

say, ‘I am fearful of being in a relationship in which I am not mistreated’.

say, ‘I am afraid that I am inherently unlovable.’

say, ‘I do not trust that I can be loved.’

Notice it in me, and don’t judge it. let it lie. point at it, if need be, but let it lie.

slow. slow. slow.

roll on it like a marble.  but don’t judge it.

maybe if i can lay it down like a river, i’ll remember my compassion for myself, and by the transitive property, the rest of the world.

because .  we both deserve it. me. and the world.

Shrubbery Heart Unwifedmotherexpletive
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

Humanity

A Small Life

I have been coming to the realization that there may not be hundreds of people at my funeral.

This may be a strange opening sentence.  I can’t tell anymore. I spend a lot of time alone.

I’m smiling.  people that love me tend to argue with me over this point. i’m not totally sure why. kind of, maybe, but not entirely.

i’m 44, i’m an introvert.  i love and take great great pleasure in working from home and having the kids with me when they are. (mostly. i’m no saint.) i’m a homebody. i don’t want my kids to be sick but its a thrill of a lifetime when they are and i can nourish them to health. *I’m here, I’m the universe.  I love people and I like to see them and laugh with them. but my circles are small, and i take great delight in the smallness of my life, most of the time.

when my dad died 5 years ago, there were hundreds of people at his services. and i’m not exaggerating. and i know other people who are still alive who will have that problem… well, you know what i mean… but i’m working on being really content with who i am.

working like: dirtyhands in the soil working.  cracked skin and calloused fingers.

i have a small life. a little life.  a life with children who are dynamic people living in my home still, a home, a dog, chickens, some land, a very fledgling ability to make a living…small.  *not insignificant, just small.

*the universe is in the grain of rice, ya dig?  thats me.

0508190840b

Humanity

Nets. Weaves. Catching on. Snag. damn. again with the unfriendly-seo titles…

There is all this meshing going on… i’m having to blend aspects of myself into a sort of support sling and i’m no knitter and perhaps the weave will be strongest anyhow…

i’m in process on this one so bear with me.

new man is bringing up a lot of old traumas that i’m having to work through. turns out i’m not done with being fearful of being lied to… SO not done.

turns out some people just tell truth.  wtf. you don’t have to figure out what they MEAN? shoot. makes everything so much easier… and theres so much more time in a day…

i’m trying to come up with a ‘guiding question’ to fulfill a prompt, and i’ve now delayed the writing by about a week… and i’m supposed to think about ‘intention’ today and i’m trying to dream about a future wherein i can feel the feels and not run screaming into the woods or into the goddamned wall. (this pertains to both man and to work, which is horribly in flux right now…) and how the hell does one plan a dream?

if i apply all this questioning to the ‘plan’ for the future, the next year of myself as business?  what sort of mental gymnastics must i do?  is there a way to make this all easier? how do i get to some sort of truthtelling of myself ? to myself?

i’m no mystic on the mountainside, or even in a nice comfy cottage… i don’t know anyone who has got it all figured out, to ask about it.  sometimes i dream of asking my grammie, but i think she was too no-nonsense to deal with this sort of thing. and maybe there is something in that. life is the same, whether you inspect it or not… right?

is that a road i really want to travel on? hm. its pretty close to ‘it is what it is’… which is possibly the most unsatisfying thing ever. and no matter how intellectually i attack it, i’m just not sure i truly believe in it.  IS IT ? IS THIS REALLY THE WAY IT IS? REALLY?

I choose dreamy watercolor puddles. Colors in a pile. unplanned moments.

whats my walking prayer? whats my intention in my step? whats my guiding question? what do i catch in my net when i lay it all down?

US- Canada border. Stop Arret sign... Unwifedmotherexpletive
STOP? ARRET? FERME? CLOSED? oh really? I drove right through. . . perspective is everything.

i wish i had some pat answer that would be a viral meme. because. hello. i need money and ad-clicking.

but i don’t have a viral meme in me.  I wonder about curiosity and openheartedness… how i can keep them more …before me as i step…

wonder about what is… don’t allow fear to send me to the wall… just keep prying my heart back open every time it shutters. (shudders) .. which, if you are human, can hurt a whole lot and is pretty hard to do the 32nd time it happens…

sigh.  work in process. progress?

whatever.

love you…

kate