Humanity

hysteria mounting.

theres a looming feeling of hysteria in my chest. i don’t know if its the overwhelming amount of parenting i’m doing, the encroaching approaching weird summer to be.. (for the entire month of july i won’t have all the kids at once. at all. i’m already freaking out.) …. no idea for what, but its there. maybe just a pms surge.  there is a lot of unknown when it comes to my hormones these days. i’ve got an IUD and it doesn’t always allow there to be an actual let-down of blood, and I can’t tie my emotions to an actual event.

but the mounting hysteria? thats real. I’m 44 now, and I think most emotions are going to pass through and I’m choosing to look at this one like its temporary.

there’s a man in my town right now, and he is fully and completely unexpected.  as you know, if you’ve been reading here a long long time. there is a whole lot to say about this but it is WAY too soon.

Mounting Hysteria UnwifedMotherExpletive

and i’m thrilled and terrified to the point of nausea and having a fairly powerful amount of PTSD in ways that I really thought I had processed.  but when you ask someone if they want a drink in order to see if they are a secret alcoholic? um…

that doesn’t work, one… and its a very strange sort of manipulation of situation.  like, do i get a man drunk just to prove he is a drunk and then run away?? is that how that goes?

um. when he forgets something in the restaurant and has to run back in… do i wait and peek in the windows and see if he is at the bar? or just assume he is and drive away mad?  (in my own car, that is…)  sigh. yes, a real thing.

its very old news. and yet, i’m reliving some of this shit.

and again i say, i thought i’d been dealing with some of this stuff. i’m having days where i am so fucking sad about ‘their dad’.. because he’s still just the same and it breaks me.

but i’ve been working for about four years on how to make life for myself more safe. and for my kids. safe, steady, consistent, recognizable. safe. consistent. recognizable. did i say that already?

and today i am just jibbering in the corner because everything from here on is completely unknown, and I don’t know how to make the right decision for my kids .

i am flat out terrified. i just am too worn down to put it in its place. so there i am.

 

Advertisements
Humanity

Nets. Weaves. Catching on. Snag. damn. again with the unfriendly-seo titles…

There is all this meshing going on… i’m having to blend aspects of myself into a sort of support sling and i’m no knitter and perhaps the weave will be strongest anyhow…

i’m in process on this one so bear with me.

new man is bringing up a lot of old traumas that i’m having to work through. turns out i’m not done with being fearful of being lied to… SO not done.

turns out some people just tell truth.  wtf. you don’t have to figure out what they MEAN? shoot. makes everything so much easier… and theres so much more time in a day…

i’m trying to come up with a ‘guiding question’ to fulfill a prompt, and i’ve now delayed the writing by about a week… and i’m supposed to think about ‘intention’ today and i’m trying to dream about a future wherein i can feel the feels and not run screaming into the woods or into the goddamned wall. (this pertains to both man and to work, which is horribly in flux right now…) and how the hell does one plan a dream?

if i apply all this questioning to the ‘plan’ for the future, the next year of myself as business?  what sort of mental gymnastics must i do?  is there a way to make this all easier? how do i get to some sort of truthtelling of myself ? to myself?

i’m no mystic on the mountainside, or even in a nice comfy cottage… i don’t know anyone who has got it all figured out, to ask about it.  sometimes i dream of asking my grammie, but i think she was too no-nonsense to deal with this sort of thing. and maybe there is something in that. life is the same, whether you inspect it or not… right?

is that a road i really want to travel on? hm. its pretty close to ‘it is what it is’… which is possibly the most unsatisfying thing ever. and no matter how intellectually i attack it, i’m just not sure i truly believe in it.  IS IT ? IS THIS REALLY THE WAY IT IS? REALLY?

I choose dreamy watercolor puddles. Colors in a pile. unplanned moments.

whats my walking prayer? whats my intention in my step? whats my guiding question? what do i catch in my net when i lay it all down?

US- Canada border. Stop Arret sign... Unwifedmotherexpletive
STOP? ARRET? FERME? CLOSED? oh really? I drove right through. . . perspective is everything.

i wish i had some pat answer that would be a viral meme. because. hello. i need money and ad-clicking.

but i don’t have a viral meme in me.  I wonder about curiosity and openheartedness… how i can keep them more …before me as i step…

wonder about what is… don’t allow fear to send me to the wall… just keep prying my heart back open every time it shutters. (shudders) .. which, if you are human, can hurt a whole lot and is pretty hard to do the 32nd time it happens…

sigh.  work in process. progress?

whatever.

love you…

kate

Sam Hall encaustic with ribbon
Humanity

so, i’ve been away. details.

i wish i could show you all the details i have been seeing lately. with a curated swath of beautiful photos, dew on the grass, beautiful natural light showcasing the inner glow of a woman.

but, no, not really. that is evidently the strength given to others.  i’m much more of a mashup. my strengths mixing and matching my surroundings on any given day. and i’m tired. maybe just an adrenalin crash and an open door when its just *not quite* warm enough.

and still.

guys.

  • Sam Hall encaustic with ribbonthere is a guy.
  • i don’t want to be the girl who talks about a guy.
  • i’m not sure when i started thinking that women who talked about men were foolish, but i’ve gotten there.  i’m pretty sure its not valid thinking.
  • i’ve got 164 dollars in the bank, not counting a cd i got 4 years ago that i will not touch unless the house burns down and i need to shelter the kids from a storm.
  • i’m going to montreal this weekend. have a passport and a sister and mother who are driving it all. unless i drive some too, which i sure will offer to.
  • i’ve been given a gigantic bouquet of new friendships, and i can’t believe it, and its almost as remarkable as having a guy around. and maybe even more so, frankly.
  • i have developed a belief that nothing gold can stay.  this is causing problems. and might be a pervasive belief that i have a hard time unraveling from my daily life, if i can even do such a thing.
  • i’m tired and pretty happy but the tired brain has started to self-check all the things that are going on lately and that bitch is just not nice.
  • My kids keep telling me I have to get a real job. And I have a lot of feels about that. a whole lot of feels. and boy, do i feel a storm coming on.
  • i’ve remembered that bread, with butter and jam, is one of the finer things in life. toast, that is. toast.
  • there’s a lot more but i wanted to reach out and touch your face a little.

 

be back soon.

kate

 

artwork by Sam Hall.

Humanity

insane in the membrane. (sorry cypress hill)

so, i’ve met a guy. another one.  not my type. want to know why? i think he’s just like me.

and so there is some work for me to do and i’m in a vulnerability hangover every time i think about it. 0408191821

sheesh. have to go take meds. forgot again. hold on.

kay. but thats not the reason for the vulnerability hangover. listen, this is how it goes.

‘you can’t keep putting me first, thats not good for you’. me to he. ‘but thats how i am, i need to know you so i can be what you need me to be, for you’ he to me.

BUT THATS CRAZY!!! me to he.

we? agree to disagree.

the problem here is that he is saying things i’ve said, how i lived for a long time, and why in the end, marriage couldn’t be worked out for me.  I’m not saying i was a slavish wife and only served my man.

i wasn’t. i began to have children, i’ve always had a personality, i’ve always had needs…but it begins with who gets up for the babies, doesn’t it…for me it did.  who’s life is too important to be turned upside down?

i never was able to articulate what my needs were. and part of that was that everyone else went first.   and now… i am being forced to practice, because i’m staring in a mirror all the time.

who gets fed first at your house?

sigh.

i know thats a multifaceted question, and practicality and all, but really… its that dangling emergency oxygen….

and i swear, i’d die while offering it to others. just plumb up and die.

chew on that.