/again and again and again. kate, you must practice saying no to alcohol. kate, you must practice knowing yourself.
kate, you must learn more and more about your own fears and insecurities. all the time, focus on them all the damn time, because you will be pushed and plucked and placed into situations where you will be nudged,
making the first date is really easy for me. choosing to face the second is much more daunting i think . . . its the challenge to my system, a challenge to my arrogance that demands that i not have ‘feelings’… a second date demands consideration, i think.
maybe this is why i tend to just have first dates that last for months. its a simple act of self-protection. call it what you will. its worked for me up until this point, but it strains now, pulls against the bit.
i’m just tired.
i wanted to have breakfast out today, but my date had a hangover and needed extra time to recover. so i gave him some.
I have to tell you how sorry I am. My disappointment is not actually in YOU but in me. Its that classic, its not you but me bit that totally leaves everyone unsatisfied, no matter how true.
All we did was text, WE NEVER EVEN MET… so there are no children to care for, no body parts to have checked, no heart to re-invigorate…. nothing. nothing. but what i did was something which is both old and well-known to me, and new and sparkling in its dysfunction.
i made you the answer to questions i used to have. desires i used to have.
you said, ‘i like to read’, i heard…
i’m the smart guy you’ve been waiting for… we can talk about books and i can teach you things you didn’t even know you wanted to learn… let’s hold hands!
you said, ‘my children are grown’… i heard…
we can meet anytime, anywhere, he has an EMPTY house… WE ARE FREE…. SEX! ALL THE TIME!!
you said, ‘i’m worried about you’… i heard…
( i heard it right, but my reaction went like this…) OH MY GOD, this is what it feels like to have somebody care about me? to be watched out for? i’m going to cry. i should ask him to marry me… i mean, arranged marriages work sometimes, right? why not? he wouldn’t be too freaked out, right? he must feel what i am feeling….
deciding to straddle the line between wanting a real thing and being ready for a real thing has made an interesting shift occur in me. this kind of mental gymnastics in which i singlehandedly create the makebelieve-come-true is something i did right before my very first date after the marriage ended .
i remember it so clearly. it took me a year and a half to be interested in dating. and my birthday approached and i went ahead and joined the online world and got a date. we texted ahead of time, and i did the same thing i did this week… i made him into the ‘one’.
really? the first date in a year and a half is THE ONE? hmmm. what could be wrong about that?
i don’t even believe in the ONE.
so, upon seeing him, even in profile, still in car, i realized what i had done, what i had created. and never did it again.
and so the fact that i have suddenly succumbed to it, again? so curious.
what is this?
I’m 4 years separated. have had my first date, kiss, sex, whathaveyous… have learned a whole lot, have remembered more. why, suddenly, am i back to square one ?
forgetting everything that i’ve learned, the power that i’ve reclaimed? would i really want to date and find myself an empty husk again? without the solidity and groundedness that i have now?
i suppose the fact that i’m seeing all this and adding ‘no text’ to my daily list shows a bit of something has dislodged… i don’t want to give into what seems to be a natural skill set for me, the creative imagination overspill.
i don’t know who, or what is coming… but i’m pretty sure that when it does, i’ll meet it face to face and not in my imagination. so i can just ask my monkey brain to step aside for awhile, go eat a banana for chrissakes.
Today one of my jobs is paying me to do all the company holiday cards. they are red and green and lovely, but with lots of gold and seasonally Northern Hemisphere holiday animals, think otters, polar bears, orca, swan. they are really lovely, really. and i’m getting my groove on in penmanship. all i’m doing is addressing and signing, really, and its still so lovely. my kids haven’t been taught cursive writing in school and its a sadness for me, though they are learning signatures from their dad and I , they’ll never know the great satisfaction of a loop. One of the names I just had to write was Mazzella. Now, thats a name to bring fantastic satisfaction to a hand-writer. OOh, man, double z’s and double l’s?
i love the back and forth, the curve and return of an ‘c’, the curve and return… ah, metaphors, you never fail me.
we have heat today, all the kids are in school, at least, at this moment. I’m finally able to look at some of the work I should have been doing during plumbing issues and pinkeye. there’s a healthy amount.
and in the background, i am trying to figure out larger meanings… i look chill but the number of health/stress connections is sad… and… the number of large ticket items that i’ve bumped into around my car and the house and such are pretty substantial. what does it mean? what do I THINK it means? Am I believing I need to sell this house? that THAT is the practical step forward? And then I look around and fall in love again… Am I grounding down to settle in for a winter with a house that is all fixed up and safe for me and my kids? AM i learning that money is just something I need to stop thinking about, because things are managed somehow? (i live in a fairly frugal way, most of the time, so thats my baseline) but with family and a single credit card and alimony and child support and a wee bit of job money, i have swung this season of giant expense, and christmas is not even here yet, but i have decided already that whatever i have at this point right now, is what will be. thats it. no more.
thats cool, thats right. the kids have more than enough. no one will be crying on christmas. and if they do, that is not a problem of mine.
and what about love? Am i finding that I am ready to begin looking for something more than sex? Don’t fucking tell anybody, but its a glimmer right now. just a fleck of light really.
I was just glancingly invited to my kids birthday party last weekend. i had asked, but gotten no response. my unbelievably crafty birthday boy begged me by phone to come, in front of his dad. his dad was essentially forced into a ‘if you love me, mom has to come’ situation. I was able to swoop into the place, see the set up, get the big hugs and the laughs and swoop out all with my emotions completely intact.
seriously, it was no big thing.
i can’t even believe it was me that typed that. So much has changed with time. SO much.
this is the winter of my discontent, y’all. i include the y’all to forcibly add some sun to my bleak inner bog.
and its really pretty easy to interject sun, because none of it is that bad.
I’m alone too much. As much as I like it, the weekends are leaving me listless. I have to force myself out into the world and then I run back home, but I’m depressed about it. I don’t think thats good.
i’m happy pretty often. healthy, the kids are good, we’re in this blissful pre-teenager lull of everyone-is-pretty-content on the homefront period… and i’m digging it.
i know its fleeting and I’m watching it like the first snow. . .
I go to Salvation Army and sit down in the sofas… because it cracks me up. Its me and the other old ladies…i take some photos, i send them around to friends to make them laugh. this is me begging for a foot rub… mah foots, mah foots…
but really, theres something shifting here… something tidal going on… salty snow, maybe. that slurry at the shore during the winter when the water is spitting foam on the sand…
i’m laughing more. nothing is working. i’m scared about money. i’m soldiering on trying to get editing jobs, which is sometimes working. things just really aren’t ‘quite’ panning out the way they would in a romance. but we all know those things are for absolute shit. everything is breaking.
i’m dressing in the weirdest clothing, as i try to suit my weight gain and my love of my curves… the body that i am ‘used to’ dressing isn’t this one, and i’ve never had so much to contend with… (!) so … i’m trying things on… wearing a lot of draping fabrics, swishing skirts and so much softness. I’m turning into some sort of mobile stuffed animal, i think.
which might attract the wrong crowd maybe… blech.
*i did meet one guy online who liked to wear adult diapers. for fun. wanted to call me mommy. i’m not even making that up.
on the other hand, i’ve met a lot of men who respected the hell out of the job i do as a mom. and found it sexy. and I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MUCH THAT MEANS.
to have the perception of others AND self be that one is a nag, an abandoned housewife in apron with straggly unkempt hair and dirty children … and to have that SHIFT to powerful, life-affirming, grounded, nourishing, excellent fuckability… all-encompassingly womanly?!
holy mother of god.
i would recommend divorce for all of us, if i could guarantee that you’d get that, just for a minute…. (otherwise, not at all. i don’t recommend it at all).
on the note of ‘non-recommendation’, i am going to check out. i just had a kid come home sick with vague complaints… since when do school nurses buy into vague complaints? sheesh. and when she called, she used my maiden name, which thrilled me.
so one of the things that has gone on in this two weeks now of chumpery is this: online dating scams are kicking me in the ass.
these are men who have full portfolios at reputable dating sites, and the entire portfolio is someone else. you see, you talk… you slowly feel funny………..
you are asked for money.
i am too much of an old leathered briefcase to fall for this. but i stick with it way past feeling funny, and therein lies my biggest chumpery.
here are things to look out for….
(of course there are exceptions, but these are basics.)
oh, how sad, how sad. how sad that we as women find an obviously wounded man so attractive. eyebrows up! hint o’truth: just cause the lady’s dead, doesn’t mean there aren’t issues.
I know, you think I’m an asshole now. But I’m not. what you’ll find, when you look at a picture of a ‘caucasian-ish’ male, and then when you talk on the phone, he will have an accent… which he will describe as irish, and you will wrinkle your forehead about. and you will say ‘hmmm, wow… that last guy said he was irish too… why are there so many irish guys on here’… (one guy said he was italian, to be fair.) foreign does not mean brown, bitches.
also, as an addendum, the texting you do before the phone call will be rife with mistakes, grammatical or spelling… but you will overlook it because many men cannot use their potato fingers on phone keys.
one actually real man actually typed ‘are’ for ‘our’ and it took me ages to figure out what the hell he was saying.
You will see such lovely photos. So handsome. When you ask for a selfie, which you should, you will be sent one that you have seen on the website. you will ask for another and receive another, but it will not be a current photo. When asked for a selfie, one man sent me a photo of himself in a tee by a pool. but it was Thanksgiving, and 19 degrees where we live, and he said it was his mother’s pool. (no one In NEW ENGLAND doesn’t close up their pool by Thanksgiving. no one.)
I actually had one ‘video call’ which was to assuage my worries about reality, and the man was cooking at 7:15 in the morning, not thanksgiving, and the call ‘cut out’.
what this tells me? man, these scammers are stealing a lot of material from people… a lot. he had his ‘daughter’ text me that afternoon asking for a phone card. she called me ‘ma’. legit.
Of course they will say they have children. because, man, we are women who want to be needed. But of course, those children will live with their mothers or their sisters… because it is just too hard for men to do it all alone. thus proving, how much we are needed.
Fast and Furious
There will be dramatic love, very early on, like the first day you have any communication. They are so struck by your beauty, by your eyes/smile/voice that they have never felt like this before… that it is so amazing for them, that they can’t wait to wake up to call you first thing…. They can ‘tell’ and they can manipulate and be so ‘affronted’ by any questioning… its like the perfect storm. this is all without any actual meeting.
I think it must have some relationship to emotional abuse… because that is what it is, when a stranger can make you somehow feel beholden to them somehow… how does that work anyhow? why does that work?
I haven’t fallen for anything, don’t worry, but it has happened a half dozen times, and I am not getting any faster at swiping correctly and there is a part of me that continues out of curiosity. Should I help them out with their English? Some are so much better than others… and, I mean, how far are these guys going to go?! I presume that they do not want an actual meeting, so are they going to say they’ll show and call last minute? would i really be sitting, stood up, at a bar ? really? this is for what?
so i’ll buy their make-believe daughter a 50 dollar phone card? so i’ll buy a deployed soldier an itunes card? So i’ll help win a work contract or help pay for the travel there?
does this really ever work for someone? are there women out there who buy this?
i know there are. and I feel for you. because this last guy? he got me in the feels.
not because i ever really doubted my suspicions, but because I REALLY WANTED TO.
i wanted it to be like he said it was. I wanted to be someone’s lucky star.
and therein lies the ouch.
This latest one called me Queen, told me it was my smile that got him… called me in the morning to be the first voice i heard. ( i mean, for real?!…) and the fakeness became sort of heartbreaking (in a..i’m too tough to be heartbroken by a fake sortof way) … but it was heartbreaking because its the first time i really REALLY realized that I am ready for the next thing… with a little romance thrown in, and maybe some of those frightening feelings that i’ve tucked away for so long.
i had some of that with Chef, my first lover after the marriage ended. took me a year and a half to be interested, which i still think is remarkable, and sadly devastating.
it was completely delightful. and extravagant and So utterly perfect for the first times i was having. but the other thing that was perfect was his distance. he was essentially a sailor, coming through and leaving soon… so challenged none of the systems i had precariously rigged to get me through my first stages of single momming. i should definitely talk about him soon. it was unbelievable, in all the best ways.
I HAVE DIGRESSED.
there’s also literal SAILORS… soldiers on deployment. i’ve bumped into foreign legion men, men who say distance in no object, who also have children living with their mothers, who also can’t seem to get itunes gift cards at the base. the government just can’t seem to keep stocked.