Humanity

Too many chairs here.

I’ve been sick. like, can’t do anything else but be sick, sick.  another time in which i feel such immense gratitude that i am home, and that my livelihood is not dependent on showing up in an office or classroom with pep.  so much gratitude.

i managed a small amount of work.  less than half normal. but whatever. i’m still astonished i could even do that.

i woke my kids up, got my kids to school every day, and games and practices were cancelled because of incessant rain. i made a roast chicken. i did the things.

as soon as the last was out the door in the morning, i went back to bed.

its a kidney infection, and its on its way out. just this morning i took five different pills to tackle the thing. one antibiotic, three urinarytract cleansers of the naturalfood store sort, and the anti-depressant that i always take.

but i’ve been forgetting the anti-depressant during the sickness, because of the brain fog.

on the weekends, the kids are with their dad all but one weekend of each month. so i was alone this weekend, and literally in bed the entire time. i’ve been wearing the same clothes to bed and to wake for three days. i’m colorful, very colorful.

i made a video this morning showing off my threads, and managed to brush my hair afterwards because oh my god.  so i’m now a rockstar.

the title here? too many chairs?

being sick and layabout has knocked my filters down, and i’m looking around at this house and its pandemonium… without any ability to see the forest for the trees…. all i see is trees… and maybe they’re not all that healthy.  from where i sit now, i can see nine different chairs.  NINE. granted, this room is purportedly the dining room, so maybe you could see your way to thinking that NINE was an okay number.

but my kids and i eat around the table in front of the fire, in the kitchen, where we actually sit on the floor.  no chairs.

so my sickness has opened the doors to the realization that chairs must really mean something to me.  what, you say?  no idea. because i am sick.

but right now?  if you offered me a chair, i’d take it.  its compulsive, i think.

toomanychairs

hospitality? welcoming? respite? do i have to google the meaning of chairs? what the hell?

whoosh. and i have a man story to tell, which i will get to next time, because i need some of my own advice on it. involving a liar, wonderful sex, and longing…

I’m almost ready for Monday.  the kids will be back in a few hours and i might just pop back into bed … but i’m ALMOST at the point where i think the bed is not the best thing for me, and movement might be better… so maybe i’ll get back on the laundry chain, or make that leftover chicken into a soup or something… the tide is turning.. slowly, slowly now…

love you…

 

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Humanity, Uncategorized

Messing About

….and making a mess..

one of the things i’m trying to do is make this place a more ‘bonified’ site. which of course is ridiculous as i have less than 30 readers currently. ! but i love my 30 readers so i’ve got to apologize for any whack that comes through in the meantime.

an empty shop, new analytics programs, ads, twitter, the national political game…oh my gawd, blaghblah… all things i’m trying to add in to my worldview and i am currently in the overwhelmed-by-change stage of my Monday morning.  hopefully the words will still come through all the streamers hanging from the ceiling… I’m just not at all sure that all the things are connected and i really need a goddamned mentor who can tell me what the hell is going on.

because i no longer know.

feet legs animal farm
Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

its not that unfamiliar a place for me, frankly.  right? i mean, certainly politically the past few years have been pretty damn volatile, and the whole world is off kilter, somehow.

people are mean, and small, and i don’t think i’ve ever settled on that as firmly as i am today.

but i’m curious about tomorrow. and November.

and i wonder if all this will be old-hat for me at some point.

there is this sense of arrival that i’m waiting for… not yet, not yet, the wind is whispering…

my curiosity is piqued… my overwhelm is high, but i’m hanging in…

urgh.

y’all.

hang in there, all of us…

Divorce, Humanity

Advice For Women after Divorce

Seriously.  There needs to be more free and unrelated to me advice systems out there.  I mean, go google it. No, don’t.. I’m just kidding.  Its a mess.

Get a life. Get a lawyer, again. Get your nails done. God will forgive you.  Self-care, damnit. Ladies night. kids are resilient. Worry.  Drink. Be true and Authentic.  Don’t say anything to anyone, you might damage the kids. Screw him. Preserve the ideal for the kids. Don’t cry in front of them.  Cry in front of them. Don’t drink, but if you do, don’t tell anyone.  Get a lawyer, again. Don’t feel intimate with them anymore, don’t pretend you knew each other, ever.

sigh.  damn. there’s a lot.  I can’t ‘keyword optimize’ because i hate that shit. i can barely capitalize. there is so much, and every single couple who divorces, and woman who is part of that, is unique. so a bath every day for the first four months worked for me, but won’t work for you.  yes, yes, this is my bath.

tiles window bathroom marble
Photo by William LeMond on Pexels.com

No, no its not.

Numbing is great, like , fucking great.  but doesn’t actually help with grief, or devastation. its still there, lurking. the only way through it is THROUGH it.  if you put it off, its just waiting for you. might as well hit it with a bat again and again… get the mugger out of the freaking equation.

so says i.

my kids were freaked out by my bathing so often. but it was so warm. and solitary. and i was clean.

which is more than i am today.

Humanity

Not my favorite week.

basketball black and white court dark
Photo by Joshua Köller on Pexels.com

This was the week. the littlest was getting on the bus.  the days would stretch before me, after some tears fell slowly down my mothermourning cheeks. . . i would find myself a job, and money would roll my way … because ‘abundance’ y’all.

but instead, the fridge broke and has killed all the food, and made itself a gigantic cesspool of smell.

i am so sad about my loserhood that i am stuck in suck.

i applied for a job and was accepted and threw all my papers at them .  turns out it was a hoax and now i am in a deep credit freeze and good thing i don’t want to apply for any loans or do anything at all, because some asshole is going to take my three dollars away from my money-grubbing hands.

i do not tolerate feeling stupid very well.

stuck in suck.

the fridge. i need to replace the flooring in my hallway as its all in bits and pieces.

someone come be my sugar daddy.

but .not the guy who took my three dollars. asshole.

sigh. and a job.

i’m working on it.

there’s always more…