Humanity

Golden Orbs and Mud

i’ve been trying to wrap my head around something in these past couple days.  bumping into alcohol again makes me feel pretty badly about myself, which is irrational, i know, but so it is anyhow.  i feel like mud.

but then someone said something so SO nice about me, something I am very very proud that could be said about me, not simply because i believe it to be true.

she commented on how strong my support was. and it is. when i love someone, i plant my feet and lean out over the water and face the hurricane down. i really fucking do.  and i deeply feel that the people that i love deserve the best that there is. and anything else is unacceptable.  it is deeply true and whether that friendship is virtual or not, i fucking think that my people are absolutely golden orbs in the world.

and many of you reading this are those orbs. and when i find someone in need of my support, i plant those feet again, or bring my ass right down to the ground, open my chest and send them all the light and love and fierceness that they need.  and most of the time, it is felt. almost always. because the energy around me shifts and the energy of the whole world shifts when that sort of love is shot out.

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So what i’ve been grappling with is this… how is it i can feel so lonely but feel so connected?  am i waiting for crises to happen to get that connection?

also, it makes it a little bit difficult with the number of people coming in and out of my life as i date. mostly, i will only date them if i feel this love… and i grow this love like the best green-thumbed organic farmer you’ve ever been jealous of…

its been hard to bump into people who don’t want this fierceness.  i fundamentally do not understand. its beyond, ‘well we’re not a good match’… i don’t mind that, at all, its true, so far, every single time… 🙂 however, the abiding, the glowing orb love is still there for me, i still would fill the room with my love for any of them. literally. and i don’t want that to change.

i just wonder about it. what is it?

my heart hurts a little.  physically, i mean.

i think with the mud feeling comes resentment, which is always a lie, i think.  but while i am being lied to, i wonder where i am in this energy surge. . .

its like a cost-benefit analysis, oddly enough.  i’ve just marie kondo’d my bedroom and there is a shit-ton of clothing that is out of my life, and old pillows, jewelry and blankets. gone. i mean, so much so i struggled to lift the contractor bag i filled . and the three or four others… and i’m not feeling the lift yet.  i ‘m not feeling the ringing of the bells, just the flat affect of a person who now only owns three pair of pants and two leggings and a lot, a lot of skirts. so whats the cost? a day of work, an hour of dropping off.  the benefit? mm. um… huh. i did feel glad that someone is going to be completely psyched to see some of my pants on the rack.  i did feel that postponed joy…

huh. so this. all this. i’m wondering. and feeling like mud.  while surrounded by you lovely orbs.

 

and if you are thinking, o, its so nice that she loves all her people, i say this to you in all sincerity… nope… its you. its you, too.  you get it, you freaking worthy glow-y orb.

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Humanity

Holiday, handwriting…

Today one of my jobs is paying me to do all the company holiday cards.  they are red and green and lovely, but with lots of gold and seasonally Northern Hemisphere holiday animals, think otters, polar bears, orca, swan.  they are really lovely, really. and i’m getting my groove on in penmanship. all i’m doing is addressing and signing, really, and its still so lovely.  my kids haven’t been taught cursive writing in school and its a sadness for me, though they are learning signatures from their dad and I , they’ll never know the great satisfaction of a loop. One of the names I just had to write was Mazzella. Now, thats a name to bring fantastic satisfaction to a hand-writer.  OOh, man, double z’s and double l’s?

1211181035i love the back and forth, the curve and return of an ‘c’, the curve and return… ah, metaphors, you never fail me.

sigh.

we have heat today, all the kids are in school, at least, at this moment.  I’m finally able to look at some of the work I should have been doing during plumbing issues and pinkeye. there’s a healthy amount.

and in the background, i am trying to figure out larger meanings… i look chill but the number of health/stress connections is sad… and… the number of large ticket items that i’ve bumped into around my car and the house and such are pretty substantial.  what does it mean? what do I THINK it means? Am I believing I need to sell this house? that THAT is the practical step forward? And then I look around and fall in love again… Am I grounding down to settle in for a winter with a house that is all fixed up and safe for me and my kids?  AM i learning that money is just something I need to stop thinking about, because things are managed somehow?  (i live in a fairly frugal way, most of the time, so thats my baseline) but with family and a single credit card and alimony and child support and a wee bit of job money, i have swung this season of giant expense, and christmas is not even here yet, but i have decided already that whatever i have at this point right now, is what will be.  thats it. no more.

thats cool, thats right. the kids have more than enough. no one will be crying on christmas. and if they do, that is not a problem of mine.

and what about love? Am i finding that I am ready to begin looking for something more than sex? Don’t fucking tell anybody, but its a glimmer right now. just a fleck of light really.

I was just glancingly invited to my kids birthday party last weekend.  i had asked, but gotten no response.  my unbelievably crafty birthday boy begged me by phone to come, in front of his dad.  his dad was essentially forced into a ‘if you love me, mom has to come’ situation.   I was able to swoop into the place, see the set up, get the big hugs and the laughs and swoop out all with my emotions completely intact.

seriously, it was no big thing.

i can’t even believe it was me that typed that.  So much has changed with time. SO much.

swoop. and loop.

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arms raised to the magnificence.

Humanity

DATA, or free will?

OH man, when you start to understand even the tip of the iceberg of how much data is being collected about us, and how we are being swayed… it is actually frightening.

i’m using an archaeologist’s brush on the bones of this thing… thats how little i am digging in… and i KNOW a new level of freaked out.

and maybe its all innocent, just marketing, you know? just businesses trying to sell their wares, at its simplest…

But when i browse rotary dial phones on my phone, and then facebook decides to do the same, and instagram suddenly feels i should maybe check out these new phone sites… its all part of a mad sweep affecting my entire world.  and this one? this was an experiment.

lets talk political persuasion.  i’m liberal, all the news i see is horrified by our president. he’s crazy, he’s doom.  i’m conservative, all the news i see is horrified by the liberals. they are crazy, if they get power, they’ll lock the government down in gridlock.

 

hm.  huh.

the larger question of free will vs. data manipulation is legit.

especially as we roll into the Mecca of Mega Consumerism, otherwise known as the Birth of Jesus.

seriously, the hypocrisy of some religious folks right here is HIGH.  but aside from that.     ( i can’t claim hypocrisy on this one because my faith is only mustardseed big and i make no claims to be a true believer… there are millions of things i am hypocritical about, but not this one..)…

when the digression is bigger on the inside than the subject from which you have digressed? what then?

BUT ASIDE FROM THAT.

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this photo does not sell anything.

what do your kids want? did they see it on a commercial? did they see it in a youtube?  who sold it to them? because someone DID… directly.

i’ve been trying to learn the facebook ads system.  facebook. that which people my age look at almost daily, if they have it at all.  so, an advertiser makes note of your age, preferences, connections and shows you an ad.  if you click on it, you enter a new select group, which they can target with another series of ads… its all automated, there’s nobody looking at you as an individual… you’re just a stat.

if you’ve ever looked at a gap ad, you’re on a list… if you looked at that cool boot in the middle of your page, in that super cool green color, you’re on a list… those cool science box clubs that arrive once a month? you’re on the box club list…(i’ve seen it!)  i can target any list or demographic i want to …so so specifically…  and just show my ads to you…

imagine what i could do if i had a political persuasion and an audience receptive to my point of view.  imagine if i particularly wanted to sway them.

its been proven time and time again that ads work.

time and time.

just be careful out there friends.  what you think you want, might not be a free will decision… your data collection has commenced.

just be careful.

(if you click on MY ads, here on this blog, you’ll give me some dollars, so go ahead, leap into the fray, if you already live there….otherwise… )

 

 

You know what is absolutely AMAZING?  I wrote this the same day all of Facebook’s scandals scandalized, and was still unaware. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/16/podcasts/the-daily/facebook-zuckerberg-sandberg-russia-election-data.html?rref=collection%2Fspotlightcollection%2Fpodcasts&action=click&contentCollection=podcasts&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=1&pgtype=collection

my favorite scaryuncle boss? Took all his ads off facebook this morning…  and thats why he’s my favorite scaryuncle boss.

 

Humanity

My favorite boss/waiting for a mudslide/faithjones

My favorite boss ever is the scary angel uncle in The Nutcracker.  You know, the one who is terrifying, completely, but for some reason Clara likes him and then you realize he’s a great Wizard bringing the Magic and the Fear of Mice into the world…? That guy? Yeah, he’s my boss.

He tells me to go make a facebook ad. A duplicate of one he ran six years ago.  And then he shoves me and tells me not to bother him anymore.

I cry a lot, in anguish, when I don’t know what words mean. . . and i cry a lot here right now.  CTR, CPM…. ROI… Technically, I know what they all mean, but I’ve had to look them up, all of them, and I am not clear on how they relate to me, or what i am trying to do.

and … it all hurts my heart….WHY? WHY, you say!

1. to admit that I don’t sell anything and if i have to peddle in this stuff, i might completely fail when I do find something to sell.

2. that i am 44 and i don’t know how to learn this stuff.  I don’t know whether i need to go buy a book and a highlighter and just camp out til it makes sense…

or youtube videos? pay some kid to sit with me and teach me, simple steps? how to duplicate without making a million clones..? I mean, seriously, i don’t know if i can do this.  and i might blow something ‘real’ up in the process….

and plus, you guys, WHY IS THE WORLD LIKE THIS?????

why are we tracking all this data? why are we so full of manipulation and money-grubbing?

….which is to say…. i have realized that my dream of being paid to just write for you, here, is a fairy tale.  one of many, yes, that my golden shard wholeheartedly throws herself at daily.

she just ‘believes’ I can. without any data, or product to sell. just belief. faith.

it cuts me to the quick.

sitting back, waiting for a mudslide to close the road.

what to do about this? any of it? the golden shard, crystal?

oh my word, could i be Atreyu’s Empress?! Could I?

PLEASE?!

good god, its so good to realize my true calling. so damn good.

 

 

ah. faith.   i’ve got so many questions for you.

Humanity

Beauty, Circles and Fear. How’s that for heavy?

I don’t know what it is, really, but i’m obsessed with the light here. and everywhere, i suppose.  my world is pretty circumscribed. it is pretty. and circumscribed.  its a golden globe of my own devising.

circles, circles. we all walk about in our bubbles… bumping bubbles if we’re social.  bumper cars of humanity.

the fall is so beautiful it hurts my eyes sometimes.  i strain to see the color striking the leaves just so… the frost on the blades of green… everything is so golden, its changeability grabs me by the lapels and forces me to think of the past, the loss…

(lapels… snicker…)

and everytime, EVERY TIME, i remember that fall comes back. its not the last fall… this light is always here, its just waiting for its particular turn. (around the sun… i couldn’t resist it, sorry…)

I’ve got a thing for circles, complete or otherwise,

cycles…

 

Is it a symptom of age? That my circles are oblong sometimes, or bumpy? That I’m no longer driven by fear? that i see the tumble of the cycles, the certainty that things will return?  I have to believe it is… the resistance to fear being an almost practical mindset now, born from my learning curves… a surrendering more than a wall-building… let it roll on past, as it will.

and, it occurs to me, that if Beauty circles, and all the things circle back… it might be called Revolution. It just might be. and I wonder if seeing it is all that it takes…

tell me, you wise ones… how are you seeing the light where you are?  is it Capital “L” Light for you? talk to me about your cycles…