Humanity

A Small Life

I have been coming to the realization that there may not be hundreds of people at my funeral.

This may be a strange opening sentence.  I can’t tell anymore. I spend a lot of time alone.

I’m smiling.  people that love me tend to argue with me over this point. i’m not totally sure why. kind of, maybe, but not entirely.

i’m 44, i’m an introvert.  i love and take great great pleasure in working from home and having the kids with me when they are. (mostly. i’m no saint.) i’m a homebody. i don’t want my kids to be sick but its a thrill of a lifetime when they are and i can nourish them to health. *I’m here, I’m the universe.  I love people and I like to see them and laugh with them. but my circles are small, and i take great delight in the smallness of my life, most of the time.

when my dad died 5 years ago, there were hundreds of people at his services. and i’m not exaggerating. and i know other people who are still alive who will have that problem… well, you know what i mean… but i’m working on being really content with who i am.

working like: dirtyhands in the soil working.  cracked skin and calloused fingers.

i have a small life. a little life.  a life with children who are dynamic people living in my home still, a home, a dog, chickens, some land, a very fledgling ability to make a living…small.  *not insignificant, just small.

*the universe is in the grain of rice, ya dig?  thats me.

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Humanity

Share the s**t

ok, so this one sucks. out of all the ones where i talk about poop, or dating strangers or my tastes in sex (heh. no, i haven’t) this is the one i least want to write and its also the stupidest, ever. so, it is glitter-covered shit.  i’m going to ask you to do something.

can you find a post you did like and share it with someone? it doesn’t have to be broadcast on facebook or anything like that, just a tepid share. or a monstrous one is fine too, but we all know that that not all the peoples would want to poke around in here.

and i’m going to drop off the face of the earth just for a little while i hide from a direct light. if sharing happens.

i still don’t intend to sell anything or promote anything beyond what i use and like, etc. (mostly that means friends of mine) … but i do need a wider net to cast.. so i need your help with the warp and weft. to increase the size of the net. and i know you are good for it.

(my ex knows i write this but i don’t promote it in his face because he worries i am going to tarnish his rep, which i won’t, but he doesn’t quite believe that, so if you know him, you do not need to share it with him. if you did, it would be okay. just saying.)

moving on.

so would ya? you might have to browse… here’s some links to good posts, well, ones that i liked…

hearing loss, part one. 🙂

School vacations and dickish children.

and then this one,  Raggedy Bitch

okay,  if you can..go. if you can’t, thats okay too.  i’m going to be in the cellar for the rest of the weekend.

hope all is well guys..

uwme

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Humanity

insane in the membrane. (sorry cypress hill)

so, i’ve met a guy. another one.  not my type. want to know why? i think he’s just like me.

and so there is some work for me to do and i’m in a vulnerability hangover every time i think about it. 0408191821

sheesh. have to go take meds. forgot again. hold on.

kay. but thats not the reason for the vulnerability hangover. listen, this is how it goes.

‘you can’t keep putting me first, thats not good for you’. me to he. ‘but thats how i am, i need to know you so i can be what you need me to be, for you’ he to me.

BUT THATS CRAZY!!! me to he.

we? agree to disagree.

the problem here is that he is saying things i’ve said, how i lived for a long time, and why in the end, marriage couldn’t be worked out for me.  I’m not saying i was a slavish wife and only served my man.

i wasn’t. i began to have children, i’ve always had a personality, i’ve always had needs…but it begins with who gets up for the babies, doesn’t it…for me it did.  who’s life is too important to be turned upside down?

i never was able to articulate what my needs were. and part of that was that everyone else went first.   and now… i am being forced to practice, because i’m staring in a mirror all the time.

who gets fed first at your house?

sigh.

i know thats a multifaceted question, and practicality and all, but really… its that dangling emergency oxygen….

and i swear, i’d die while offering it to others. just plumb up and die.

chew on that.

 

 

 

 

Humanity

Discovery of self-worth. Eureka?

SO my hatred of The Magicians has passed. I mean, how can i actually ‘hate’ anything make-believe? its just silly speak and i’m moving on . . . see? the meds are with me.

cop-outs are everywhere.

and self-deprecation is the tool of the TRUE GODS AND GODDESSES… if only we weren’t so good at deflection, you’d be blinded.

(read that one slowly.)

and no, i haven’t lost my grip on humility.  not even momentarily, sadly. (had to look up how to spell Eureka, for fucksake)

i do have moments when i can say good things about myself, i mean, i do.  and i do thank my ex for that, because i have real moments of self-value that come simply from being taken for granted, and its really powerful to really deeply feel how much you matter to the world you’ve created.  the kids do the same for me. … when i have to demand that they speak to me a certain way, or that they ask for things rather than demand…its respect, and i deserve it… 0402192020a little bits and bobs…

took me awhile.

but also, last night, i actually WENT to the gym i signed up for. and i’m proud as anything that i made it.  because i was anxious about it for days.  nervous about what people would think, how weak i would look, how sweaty and fat i would be… all irrational, to a large degree.  its been awhile since i was fit, and i’m sad and a little embarassed by it. but i know i can get it back, i just have to put in the time, again, and make sure i do it for myself. utterly only? … which is nearly impossible for me. i definitely work better when i think there is some benefit that is broader than just myself.  in this case? kids… want to stay strong and fit as a role model of strong fit woman for the kids…

but then it makes you think about the things you do overcome… and big and little and what pride you have in accomplishing things…

i’m running my household, i am truly the head of the household. always was, but didn’t know.

i’m figuring out how to value the simple way i move in the world.  i’m not spending tons of time chastising myself for my hit and run socializing.  i just get all frazzled after 15 minutes and have to run away. thats it… its not a huge statement about what an asshole loser i am.

i do wish i could spend more time, sometimes, but listening is just so damn hard, 15 minutes is about my limit. and i love people, even if they don’t know i do.

and thats another thing i value about myself.  i love people, even if they don’t know i do. how cool is that?

anyhow. its a beginning. make your own lists, babes.

Humanity

Things… sprouts…upward and onward.

so. my week of spirit continues.

these are the things.  today is friday. two of the days i had kids home with me. once, a pickup at school because of ‘butt stuff’. once, a kid who couldn’t go because of ‘hurting stomach’- i was worried about coming ‘butt stuff’.

my mom had a procedure on her shoulder which i took her to and from with potentially sick kid lurking…it was fine. kid was fine and procedure was 1000 times better than the last one and we are all so very happy about that.  i even took her home this time, to HER house.  last time, it was a family sleepover at mine.  (my house is a little chaotic for her, at this point, though she’s in grandmotherly love with us)…

i lost a little of my slight rhythm, and intention was unfocused in the changeup of the days.  A little work popped up and I was hyper aware of the money of taxes, as I’ve just gotten my bill, and it seems the table was swept clear in a mad rush to make sure I earned some dough this week, extra and on top.

I can pay my taxes though

and while i did not earn a tremendous amount of money, i do have to pay taxes on the alimony that comes in, and thats the ticket that makes it tough. I will barely make it, but I will.  I saved enough and put it all aside enough, to pay the Man, and to pay my first quarterly payment.  this is BIG, and i whisper it. and turn around, and feel like i need a ‘no spend’ month to get some money back in my accounts again.

This weekend the kids are gone.

and i am cleaning house. the sickness must be laundered out.

the chickens coop must be cleaned out, because i would like to sell the eggs again and these ladies are too blecky after a long winter ‘cooped’ up. (chicken language: its everywhere..)

I am visiting a friend who is having a popup shop but I AM NOT SPENDING ANY MONEY, CECILIA! 🙂 but i will laugh with her, and it is always wonderful wonderful to see her.

I am meeting my sister’s new boyfriend. hee hee. I’m so excited.

Boy holding trophy spring triumph UnwifedMotherExpletive
My kind of Daffodil

This is the season where all the work that has been happening underground becomes visible.  the savings. the growth, the uncurling bean. uncurling unfurling.

what can you see from where you are?   Are you further up and further in ?