Humanity

insane in the membrane. (sorry cypress hill)

so, i’ve met a guy. another one.  not my type. want to know why? i think he’s just like me.

and so there is some work for me to do and i’m in a vulnerability hangover every time i think about it. 0408191821

sheesh. have to go take meds. forgot again. hold on.

kay. but thats not the reason for the vulnerability hangover. listen, this is how it goes.

‘you can’t keep putting me first, thats not good for you’. me to he. ‘but thats how i am, i need to know you so i can be what you need me to be, for you’ he to me.

BUT THATS CRAZY!!! me to he.

we? agree to disagree.

the problem here is that he is saying things i’ve said, how i lived for a long time, and why in the end, marriage couldn’t be worked out for me.  I’m not saying i was a slavish wife and only served my man.

i wasn’t. i began to have children, i’ve always had a personality, i’ve always had needs…but it begins with who gets up for the babies, doesn’t it…for me it did.  who’s life is too important to be turned upside down?

i never was able to articulate what my needs were. and part of that was that everyone else went first.   and now… i am being forced to practice, because i’m staring in a mirror all the time.

who gets fed first at your house?

sigh.

i know thats a multifaceted question, and practicality and all, but really… its that dangling emergency oxygen….

and i swear, i’d die while offering it to others. just plumb up and die.

chew on that.

 

 

 

 

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Humanity

Discovery of self-worth. Eureka?

SO my hatred of The Magicians has passed. I mean, how can i actually ‘hate’ anything make-believe? its just silly speak and i’m moving on . . . see? the meds are with me.

cop-outs are everywhere.

and self-deprecation is the tool of the TRUE GODS AND GODDESSES… if only we weren’t so good at deflection, you’d be blinded.

(read that one slowly.)

and no, i haven’t lost my grip on humility.  not even momentarily, sadly. (had to look up how to spell Eureka, for fucksake)

i do have moments when i can say good things about myself, i mean, i do.  and i do thank my ex for that, because i have real moments of self-value that come simply from being taken for granted, and its really powerful to really deeply feel how much you matter to the world you’ve created.  the kids do the same for me. … when i have to demand that they speak to me a certain way, or that they ask for things rather than demand…its respect, and i deserve it… 0402192020a little bits and bobs…

took me awhile.

but also, last night, i actually WENT to the gym i signed up for. and i’m proud as anything that i made it.  because i was anxious about it for days.  nervous about what people would think, how weak i would look, how sweaty and fat i would be… all irrational, to a large degree.  its been awhile since i was fit, and i’m sad and a little embarassed by it. but i know i can get it back, i just have to put in the time, again, and make sure i do it for myself. utterly only? … which is nearly impossible for me. i definitely work better when i think there is some benefit that is broader than just myself.  in this case? kids… want to stay strong and fit as a role model of strong fit woman for the kids…

but then it makes you think about the things you do overcome… and big and little and what pride you have in accomplishing things…

i’m running my household, i am truly the head of the household. always was, but didn’t know.

i’m figuring out how to value the simple way i move in the world.  i’m not spending tons of time chastising myself for my hit and run socializing.  i just get all frazzled after 15 minutes and have to run away. thats it… its not a huge statement about what an asshole loser i am.

i do wish i could spend more time, sometimes, but listening is just so damn hard, 15 minutes is about my limit. and i love people, even if they don’t know i do.

and thats another thing i value about myself.  i love people, even if they don’t know i do. how cool is that?

anyhow. its a beginning. make your own lists, babes.

Humanity

Things… sprouts…upward and onward.

so. my week of spirit continues.

these are the things.  today is friday. two of the days i had kids home with me. once, a pickup at school because of ‘butt stuff’. once, a kid who couldn’t go because of ‘hurting stomach’- i was worried about coming ‘butt stuff’.

my mom had a procedure on her shoulder which i took her to and from with potentially sick kid lurking…it was fine. kid was fine and procedure was 1000 times better than the last one and we are all so very happy about that.  i even took her home this time, to HER house.  last time, it was a family sleepover at mine.  (my house is a little chaotic for her, at this point, though she’s in grandmotherly love with us)…

i lost a little of my slight rhythm, and intention was unfocused in the changeup of the days.  A little work popped up and I was hyper aware of the money of taxes, as I’ve just gotten my bill, and it seems the table was swept clear in a mad rush to make sure I earned some dough this week, extra and on top.

I can pay my taxes though

and while i did not earn a tremendous amount of money, i do have to pay taxes on the alimony that comes in, and thats the ticket that makes it tough. I will barely make it, but I will.  I saved enough and put it all aside enough, to pay the Man, and to pay my first quarterly payment.  this is BIG, and i whisper it. and turn around, and feel like i need a ‘no spend’ month to get some money back in my accounts again.

This weekend the kids are gone.

and i am cleaning house. the sickness must be laundered out.

the chickens coop must be cleaned out, because i would like to sell the eggs again and these ladies are too blecky after a long winter ‘cooped’ up. (chicken language: its everywhere..)

I am visiting a friend who is having a popup shop but I AM NOT SPENDING ANY MONEY, CECILIA! 🙂 but i will laugh with her, and it is always wonderful wonderful to see her.

I am meeting my sister’s new boyfriend. hee hee. I’m so excited.

Boy holding trophy spring triumph UnwifedMotherExpletive
My kind of Daffodil

This is the season where all the work that has been happening underground becomes visible.  the savings. the growth, the uncurling bean. uncurling unfurling.

what can you see from where you are?   Are you further up and further in ?

 

Humanity

Wednesday of Spirit Week.

so. these are the things.  I have listened to Sharon Olds speak…if you don’t know her poetry, seek it out. she writes on motherhood and love for children and divorce and shame and sex and she does it in a kitchen table way . a salty broad. deeply intelligent and full of humor in the depths.

i have lit my candles. i have drawn my cards. I have avoided reading about ‘Death, reversed’, until i had to and then i found it satisfying.

I have listened to my friends talk.  I have tended the chickens with less annoyance and more enjoyment of the spring weather. I have had to buy another hat, because I was caught out in spring chill and sometimes it is colder than all other times of the year, this hopeful exposure.

i have taken a long and hot bath. I have let the battery on my phone stay uncharged. (oh god, just a little, but i did.)

i have installed hooks into each of the boys rooms. which doesn’t sound spiritually connected, but is.  when i’m doing an act of service for them that has been on my mental list for weeks, if not months, i feel deeply connected to my mothership. it is a slow game, frequently of exasperation and temper, and when i do something so simple and caring, it makes me feel like cashmere.

and therein lies Spirit. The Cashmere.

i bought myself tulips and I am watching them unfold. incredible work of nature.  I found the early blooming iris in my sunny spot. iris-like crocus, i think. so early. so resilient. year after year, solo, first color in the yard.  I have no memory of planting anything there. and there it is, again.

paying attention. paying attention. paying attention.

there is time for all of it. there just is.

 

 

Humanity

spirited activity

i’ve got several support groups going right now, support for me, i mean.  i’m a hermit, we all agree, and natural shyness plays a part, as well as the hearing loss.   but these unconnected groups (2) have each asked that its members make some sort of week-long commitment to something they desire.  just a week, small things, little pokes in the monolith of ‘what we want’.  and so i have chosen.  ready?

i’m taking time this week to find my connection to Spirit.  I lost my faith in God when my Dad died, in totality.  Evidently I was mad, and also, now evidently, I had made my deity in the shape of my father.  I am working my way back to something that is related, but utterly different, and i’m just naming it Spirit, maybe as a copout? but as a way to communicate to others what it might be like… for me its like spring earth, chill damp but sunny… potential and a captured bit of change.  a focus on the surreal of nature and the connection i have to the larger world, stars and all.

how do i go about this? i mean, church ? no. no church. i can’t be hemmed in like that.

humility is involved, as always… because i am small, in a big big world.  (so are seeds…dig? )

and writing. i like writing. and want more of it.  and it sends out tendrils into my smoky soul.

six days, right?  tiny.

teeny.

writing as a callout to divinity? universality? maybe i should light a candle.  maybe i should follow a prompt? look at an inspiring card? tarot? oracle?

maybe i should wear my favorite sneakers? dress the part? pencil holding hair? earrings? i know, i’m mostly just kidding. i know there’s nothing exterior that has anything to do with my inner.  but maybe if i put my feather earrings on it will remind me of the flights i take that fill me up and earth me down…

maybe my metaphors will be strong and able to hoist me over the threshold…

see what i did there?

 

love you guys.  i’ll keep you in the loop. 0307191408