Divorce, Humanity

Meds and the medsing meds.

So, these last few weeks have been full of small glitches in the routine, which, yes, I know are ACTUALLY the routine. but still.  sick kids, sick me, sick them, sick middle of the day, procedures, appointments missed, car troubles, money troubles, and so on. . . fucking daylight savings time and missed buses! and you get my drift. . .

so, i’ve been off my routine.  and one of the things i’ve done is been inconsistent with taking my anti-depressants. and thats had weird results.

somedays i have a really weepy afternoon, full of conversations (internal) with an ex, that will never ever happen, and shouldn’t and won’t. and the weep will make me realize i haven’t taken my meds, and will also make me realize i haven’t dealt with a certain something that is on repeat in my brain.

today i have forgotten to take it, and i have no excuse. its my Sunday of relax. I mean, well, i get from wakeup til one, when the kids return and we cook , or play video games or have family come by… today there’s another practice, which i hate, but whatever. i just texted the coach to see if she could do the driving for the kid. we’ll see.

i’m not depressed, i will tell you that.  i’ve friends who are, have been, and what i have is not this.  When the marriage was so hard, I had all the therapists tell me to get on meds, honestly, and I kept saying no because i knew my upset was situational and not chemical. ( i know i’ve talked about this before, but i think it bears repeating, again and again, in case someone needs it).

Once the separation started, the therapist at the time, said the only thing that ever made me change my ways.  She said that being in a hard situation for so long will change your chemicals… and thats what i needed help in dealing with.

oh.  so my crushingly depressing homelife, full of repetition and hope and deflation could be eased with a chemical? no. first i needed to be the only adult here, because i can really count on me.

really.

and that matters a hell of a lot.

but . my point. meds and the medsing meds that i am not always taking.

what i wonder about is this:  these things that are popping up on my weepy afternoons and my mind-ratatattat that i am hearing/feeling…. ARE they things that I must feel in order to have them dissipate?  Have I somehow been dulling these details with the meds? –and the only way to actually heal from them is to FEEL all the feels, even these stupid, old wound ones?

i honestly probably need to seek a therapist, right? does some OTHER person have the answer to this? do I ?

ha. just occurred to me i might find an answer in both directions: if i get consistent again and also if i just stop.

blagh. but, as i need to count on me, and so do my kids, i should probably find out if there are repercussions to stopping before i do.

because hello. MOM.

so what if i just had raisin bran for lunch? i’m the adult.

laughing… its my sunday thinks…

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Humanity

Chakra Carol Says…

there are three primary fears that people all share.  these do not include spiders, and dark basements and vats of toxic sludge or plastics in the ocean or fucking fatassholes in government.

these are they:

  1. fear of abandonment
  2. fear of having no value
  3. fear of surrender of power

what do you think about this? i feel like i could go up and down the street proclaiming my fears, those i’m comfortable enough with to speak aloud… and some of them i can see, are just magnifications of one or more of those three.

what say you?

i feel like making this a short one. because i need to think on it some more and i want to gather more wool about it.

we say fear is a liar. we, of the ‘we’ in my head. . .

 

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