Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO: Nineteen, ALL I WANT

11/19/2020_ Ala Mariah Carey, sorry.

  1. All I want to do is go to salvation army, turn in my things and browse the rest of the Christmas items.
  2. All I want to do is buy stuff.
  3. And eat. I also want to eat a lot but still lose weight and fit better in my clothes. Cheese, I tell you, cheese. My mom is 75 and saying the same thing. I give myself til 70, then i will start smoking again and eat whatever the fuck i want.
  4. All I want is to have a little bit of certainty in my life. Is that a ghost? Is that a mirage, at this point? When death waits at the end of everything? What am I, delusional?
  5. All I want is two minutes in the same mood.
  6. All I want is for my kids to be happier. I know school sucks and teenagery years are full of vomit and exile and wretchedness sometimes, but this whole ‘not seeing friends’, not ‘bumping into people’ thing? Suckage.
  7. I inadvertently have a dog and a cat that are both pitch black. All I want is one room where the corners are not grey with fur. What the hell, All I want is one corner that stays hair free forever. Just one.
  8. All I want is to find the freaking book I can’t find. I searched the recycling bin today in case I recycled it in the box it came in. This was a dry search thankfully as paper and cardboard are rather pleasant to rifle. No luck though. Where the fuck did I put it?
  9. All I want is this exact house, but smaller, so there would be less cleaning. If every room were just ten percent smaller? Ideal. I do not know what I’m going to do when the next shoe drops. I guess sell. Which is all sorts of defeated. It does not bear looking into currently.
  10. All I want is to eat all the roasted vegetables. I just want someone else to peel and seed and chop. Its that whole personal chef thing again. I guess I’m just feeling wishy lately. Maybe that’s the real reason for the season? Or Season for this reason? To give us the hope to dream again? To give in to the darkness with a flickering light? Our little sparkles out there in the large dark winter. . .

Ahh.  

What do you want? What does your list look like?

Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO: FIFTEEN – untied

This is not edited, as I can’t find my ‘document’ on this damn laptop. Just wrote in it yesterday and now it is gone. I have a shitton of feelings about this. Which leads me to today’s prompt.

Untied.

  1. When things go awry in little ways, i can get unmoored. Can’t get my focus back, can flit around a subject or a task for the longest time. Its not good for anyone, at all.
  2. There’s no heat here. Something is up with the boiler, or down, I don’t know. I’ve been in the basement more times this weekend than I’d like, and plumbers don’t work on the weekend, and I have a woodstove and plucky-spirit so fine. F.I.N.E.
  3. I called the plumber I usually use and they said my account was on hold so they couldn’t service my boiler, nor could they figure out how to solve that problem, because it was the weekend and the finance people do not work on the weekends. ( i pay bills when they arrive, this is some sort of error. “lil’ bit awry”? yes. fixable? no.)
  4. I’m hosting three or four little girls here in my cold house in a birthday-like situation. I will be sending them outside a lot because it might be warmer out there and plus, covid. I bought a lot of individually packaged snacks and have hand sanitizer all over the place. I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I feel less risky here than I did at the grocery store this morning. There are so many freaking people out. Its astonishing.
  5. So. no heat. lost document. ah. Online dating. My brain nearly collapses at the weird collection of mankind out there. Some who want to ‘date’ but not really spend any time together. So… thats not a super match for me. Its Covid, I don’t want to eat inside a restaurant and I like time. I like walking around a kitchen and conversing about whatever pops into my head. I can get sex anywhere, anytime, essentially. I haven’t been, but its just not a thing for me. (don’t tell my kids.)
  6. Plus, when i have a heating emergency, I want legitimate offers of help. I do. I will turn them down, most probably, but I want to know that there is support out there. I do. I need it like I need compliments and direct communication.
  7. Also, in online dating, just so you know, people disappear all the time. I have no idea what causes this. Its even hard for me to imagine, kind of, and I have a wildly good imagination. They cannot all be in ditches.
  8. I’m cold.
  9. I’m cold.
  10. I’m cold.
  11. guess.

but i goddamned got another day down, didn’t I? damn straight. Cold makes me a little testy.

Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO EIGHT : shaken

Where are things ‘off’? small and large.

i selected this prompt before #9. huh.

  1. There is a discrepancy between my relief and my recognition of what the closeness of the contest means. And while I am so so happy that Biden tipped the scales, the fact that both sides were so damn heavy is a distinct chill in the air and I know I was the sheep they said I was!!, in terms of remaining ignorant while calling myself ‘woke’. There is nothing small in this one.
  2. Don’t tell me to just be happy. I’m hopeful, and that’s a step in the right direction from despair. But do I feel like celebrating? No not really. I’m deeply relieved though. Deeply.
  3. The house feels off lately. Things are devolving into a little bit too much chaos. The way my brain shut down this week has meant less tidy-ing and more dishes piled up in kid areas, and even some furniture moved. I need to vacuum maybe? And the kids have been here nonstop for a bit and that’s part of it. The house needs to breath empty for a day once in a while.
  4. I feel pretty sexy pretty often. But I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, and its making me feel unsexy sometimes. I’m grappling with that, and know that I also have to fit ‘aging’ into the equation. My face is not smooth, I am soft in all the ways.  I am positive I would not be so conscious of this if I were not single and ‘looking’ and being looked at.  But I’d still be aware of it, just not so critical of it.
  5. In my heaviness, my breasts are gigantic, like pregnancy gigantic. I’m nearly tipping over. Maybe this will be too much information or attract the wrong readers. Its not like I’m going to show them. And go away, if you are the wrong sort.
  6. I’m definitely spending too much energy on the wrong things in my life. I’m torn about it, two strips of scrap paper on the floor with the animal hair. It feels so useless, though I suppose it burns like the rest of it.  I don’t know how to re-align.
  7. Some of the things: anxiety about wellness. (so say we all), restructuring my income sources ( I am stuck right now and cannot), addiction to phone (stuck and don’t know how to cut off my new limb)..
  8. Energy is my bag. I feel it, I ‘pray’ with it. Things are off.
  9. And we just had an earthquake. Honestly, how could I make shit like this up? 2020 keeps on giving.
  10. 10. We don’t need no 10. We just had an earthquake. In New England.