Humanity

Sprouts.

its fall, its not the right season to be talking about sprouts or thinking about them… i guess… even the color is wrong. gah.

but then you look around here, the new england color palette is much more complex than you think.  maybe i’ve been with little ones too long, but the primaries just don’t cut it.  there’s purple out there, and fresh, lithe green… amongst the oranges and the burgundy…and brown is a pretty dynamic color after all..

so maybe you can handle my sprouts-y talk…

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out my back window, a window i don’t think i have ever appreciated except now, now that i spin in an office chair and see whats around… the yellow of the light touches everything, doesn’t it… and the blues of the shadows… the greyscale of the window…

pink hydrangea out the other window… dusty rose… there’s no other season it can be but fall… something about the light…

sigh. i think i’m forgetting what i set out to talk about… something about growth and sprout…

i know what it is… and how i’m going to talk about it… but my mind is taking a color walk…and so i’ll get back to it tomorrow…

lurve lurve… kate

 

 

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Divorce, Humanity

grounding, grounding…

so. i make a big statement in the previous post, like, ‘tell the universe’… and its sort of woo-woo, and some people (my internal world) think froofroo = avoidance of  GOD words.  but i don’t avoid GOD words, just so you know.

when my dad died, just about 5 years ago now, I lost my faith. utterly.  it wasn’t right, it didn’t make sense, it did NOT fit the faith system and security that i had thought was there.  call me a priviledged whitie, its allright. i was. and probably am, in more ways than i’m even aware of .  (and i am aware.)

so boom. lost my dad and lost my faith blanket all at once.  it left me reeling, both were things i took great comfort in, since and after i was old enough to talk… i’ll tell you that.  i think the support of them both, and the loss of them both made it all the more clear to me how desparately sad and unsupportive my marriage had become and made me rise up and bring about its end.  bwahahaha haaaaa.

AND SO.  while there are millions of pages to be written about the above paragraphs, still, today is not that day.

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i find myself growing a new faith. now, five years on… little sprouts of faith in myself.  (without losing humility, at. all.)  faith in the world, faith in humanity, faith in goodness… its a rebirth of that supportive net that i had all my life, but with new shapes and colors… but the same feelings…

its a whole new relationship with the concept behind the words i used to use.

and its ironic, as the whole world seems headed for hell in a handbasket of intolerance.

but i’ve been thinking a lot about how i can gather more moments of stillness, more moments when i feel my feet planted… when i feel like my intuition and guidance systems have a chance to be heard…..

and i think im going to think some more about it… I’ll get back here in a bit… 🙂

lurve…

 

 

Humanity, Uncategorized

Messing About

….and making a mess..

one of the things i’m trying to do is make this place a more ‘bonified’ site. which of course is ridiculous as i have less than 30 readers currently. ! but i love my 30 readers so i’ve got to apologize for any whack that comes through in the meantime.

an empty shop, new analytics programs, ads, twitter, the national political game…oh my gawd, blaghblah… all things i’m trying to add in to my worldview and i am currently in the overwhelmed-by-change stage of my Monday morning.  hopefully the words will still come through all the streamers hanging from the ceiling… I’m just not at all sure that all the things are connected and i really need a goddamned mentor who can tell me what the hell is going on.

because i no longer know.

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Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

its not that unfamiliar a place for me, frankly.  right? i mean, certainly politically the past few years have been pretty damn volatile, and the whole world is off kilter, somehow.

people are mean, and small, and i don’t think i’ve ever settled on that as firmly as i am today.

but i’m curious about tomorrow. and November.

and i wonder if all this will be old-hat for me at some point.

there is this sense of arrival that i’m waiting for… not yet, not yet, the wind is whispering…

my curiosity is piqued… my overwhelm is high, but i’m hanging in…

urgh.

y’all.

hang in there, all of us…

Humanity

Curiosity and self-doubt, y’all

i’ve been feeling a part of a larger community with all this woman-centered motion lately, and there’s no better expression of that than tacking a y’all onto things… its lets us know we’re all one big body of finger-licking, mistake-making, funny-looking bodies in a huge, messy pile.

spent the morning talking about the difference between credit cards and debit cards. and how you pay for the pleasure of borrowing . also told my oldest to start asking me questions about babies and sex, because people i knew were having babies at his age.  he wasn’t altogether thrilled with me.  it was very interesting. my boys and daughter are in for a wild ride with me, and i can’t help think i’m in for as much of a wild ride as they are…

been reading a novel by an online friend lately, and the main character has been reading ‘to the lighthouse’ and the whole damn thing is freaking me out.  one, anything virginia woolf is a completely mind-bending read, and its time for me to get my beaten up copy out in plain sight, again.  two, i am finding so much in it that is familiar and FAMILIAR, goddamnit.  i think i’ll be really sad to think i’m a cliche, and i am righteously on the path today….  the smart, sharp-witted, blog-writing stay at home mom, who keeps secrets from her social life…wait, what? i exist in print? FUG.

guys, i haven’t even finished it yet. anything could happen. maybe its not me. maybe i’ll win a million dollars.

sheesh, my god. its so familiar.  and i’m so impressed that my online friend has done it, put it together, molded a story and a character that is causing a reaction in me.  how amazing is that. little black squiggles on the page lead me to discomfort and challenge my self-identity and self-value.

09251814461truly, now, these things have been going on for awhile and i’m not saying that Kerry Clare’s novel, Mitzi Bytes, has sent me into a talespin all on its own merits, which are plenty.  And i am not saying I AM her main character, as i’ve  not been hiding in dumb waiters lately and anybody who wants to know can find out that i write online. i mean, anybody.

and quite a few of the people who know cannot be bothered to check it out anyhow.

why is that? if i knew someone i liked wrote every day, i’d probably go look at it, and if i liked it, i’d probably do that fairly often… but nope. hmm. huh.

different strokes.

different levels of curiosity.  like, why curious, and then curiosity? why drop the u? i’ll never know, and i’ll be driven mad each and every time i type it.

i’m so curious about people.  how their inner worlds look… if they find ways to express what is going on in there… writing is one of those things i think… also humor.. artistic expression, movement…

some people have the gift of such groundedness that they can speak their own expression.   isn’t that crazy to imagine?

if any of my kids ever write or create or express themselves, i’ll be so thrilled to get those glimpses of them… such little glimpses in… i surely hope they feel the desire to share…

Y’ALL

Y’ALL

Y’ALL …

 

love you.

 

Humanity

Boating, messing about with boats…

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I like to mess around with the algorithms a little bit. like, a post wherein boating is discussed ad nauseam and yet boating is not the topic whatsoever. Do you think it possible that I could draw masses of boating enthusiasts here without a single fact or thought process about boats? sailors maybe, but not the actual fiber-glass boat or dingy of my dreams. . . we’re rowers here, not motorheads… or they are, at least, my in-law family.  i love them to bits and pieces, fully and whole heartedly.

and it can twinge, sometimes, that they are separated from me by my ex. i don’t mean that he bars us from seeing one another or anything like that… its their love for him that is unwavering and my loss of love for him that is the bar. the separation.

moments of awkward, information passed accidentally, stories told of places i can no longer go.

sigh. bridges, unburnt but barred by time and experience.

and i would love to be gossiping to my mother in law about all my men.  she would love to hear facts about them… and i’d love for her to meet them, when i meet a good and fascinating one.  and, with the right attitude, they are all fascinating.

because people just ARE.

 

as fascinating as boat enthusiasts, i swear.

*cracking up. . .