Humanity

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE

I’ve had sort of a capslocky few weeks, i think.  all within the realm of regular first-world disaster type things… car breaks down by the side of the road, yearly grief over the loss of my father, several strangers online asking me for money making me feel like a chump, my aunt making fun of my weight, a pipe bursting the day before i host thirty of my favorite extended family (including that aunt… giving her the perfect opportunity to see me for the first time in a year and ask me if i like donuts too much …) ceilings dripping with fierce abandon… as a general rule, if not in a horror movie or in a swamp plantation, the ceiling is not meant to drip. just saying.

i fed thirty people. my vegetarian lasagna was not terrible. the soup was called delicious. natasha’s kitchen by the way…sweet potato and coconut milk… i made mine bacon free, with veggie stock… the vegetarian i thought i had –is a devoted meat eater. so we all had more veggies than normal, and we’re all okay.

and then we had desserts…

it is a rough potluck, so i’m not saying i made all the food. AT ALL.

my 73 year old mother made a lasagna that got raves and put a ham on the table… my sister made a gigantic kale/brussel/apple salad that kicked some ass.  there was another salad..(from she who currently is not to be named) and turnip, cheese, rolls and pie and pie and pie and chocolate things…

we are fed. we are grateful.

my stress level did include a whole lot of third-personing, but i’ve stopped now.

and i never even had a cigarette. that whole time.  but i do admit, it is rising to mythological, how much I want to… angels, choirs… athena, diana… didn’t they catch a quick smoke just fine?  … all that… i think i might end up tippling zeus on the porch…. as a substitute…

sigh .  i’m fine.  but i’m tired of character building.

 

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the soup would have really made the composition here ‘pop’ but alas… it was in the kitchen, with all the bowls and a huge slop of spoons… 

its that song… spun on high speed… ‘we are joyful, we are joyful’… super highspeed.

thats my inner world as the whole house vibrates with the industrial sized dryer that is pointed at the ceiling in the other room.

 

so be it.

resistance is futile.

 

(my aunt is just that way. i love her anyhow.  i’m still going to eat donuts.  my curves are rubenesque and the men just love them.)

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Humanity

Let me tell you this.

real quick. not a thought out post.

(laughing at the suggestion that what you and i think are thought-out posts ACTUALLY ARE)

My car broke down today, like shudders of giant metal corpse break-down. pull over. cell phone working call for tow, call garage. all set. call to be sure roommate will be there for the bus if i am not back in six hours. all set.

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garage had two cancellations today, so is already working on it. my kid who was home sick this morning as a faker, asked to go back to school and was dropped off minutes before the carshudderdeath thing.

my mother is working at a church fair 10 minutes from the garage so just gave me a lift home.

the place where the car broke down was a really fucking beautiful spot in my town that i’ve never fully appreciated.

the tow truck driver was silent. and we drove the back roads through the town I grew up in and i almost cried.

the garage i ended at washes your windows when they pump your gas.  i very clearly remember being in the car with my parents while dennis or manny washed the windows.  30 years later, still happening. . .

in the waiting room of the garage, the television was playing New England Cable News, called NECN, which seems to play local news, but its really 5 states worth, but we have so much in common, in spite of what they tell us… and it made me miss my grandmother like crazycakes. because i’d watch local news with her any day.

all these things.  and this:

life is fucking seamless.

even if we don’t fucking realize it is.

SEAMLESS.

Humanity

My favorite boss/waiting for a mudslide/faithjones

My favorite boss ever is the scary angel uncle in The Nutcracker.  You know, the one who is terrifying, completely, but for some reason Clara likes him and then you realize he’s a great Wizard bringing the Magic and the Fear of Mice into the world…? That guy? Yeah, he’s my boss.

He tells me to go make a facebook ad. A duplicate of one he ran six years ago.  And then he shoves me and tells me not to bother him anymore.

I cry a lot, in anguish, when I don’t know what words mean. . . and i cry a lot here right now.  CTR, CPM…. ROI… Technically, I know what they all mean, but I’ve had to look them up, all of them, and I am not clear on how they relate to me, or what i am trying to do.

and … it all hurts my heart….WHY? WHY, you say!

1. to admit that I don’t sell anything and if i have to peddle in this stuff, i might completely fail when I do find something to sell.

2. that i am 44 and i don’t know how to learn this stuff.  I don’t know whether i need to go buy a book and a highlighter and just camp out til it makes sense…

or youtube videos? pay some kid to sit with me and teach me, simple steps? how to duplicate without making a million clones..? I mean, seriously, i don’t know if i can do this.  and i might blow something ‘real’ up in the process….

and plus, you guys, WHY IS THE WORLD LIKE THIS?????

why are we tracking all this data? why are we so full of manipulation and money-grubbing?

….which is to say…. i have realized that my dream of being paid to just write for you, here, is a fairy tale.  one of many, yes, that my golden shard wholeheartedly throws herself at daily.

she just ‘believes’ I can. without any data, or product to sell. just belief. faith.

it cuts me to the quick.

sitting back, waiting for a mudslide to close the road.

what to do about this? any of it? the golden shard, crystal?

oh my word, could i be Atreyu’s Empress?! Could I?

PLEASE?!

good god, its so good to realize my true calling. so damn good.

 

 

ah. faith.   i’ve got so many questions for you.

Divorce

The EYE. Halloween. Happy Divorce.

I’m sitting by the fire. Its quiet. There aren’t any kids within 150 feet of me. I’m enjoying the hell out of the eye of this storm.

I got them all ready. I fed them. I visited the two neighbors that we are wanting to visit. Then their dad arrived. and they all left.  I got one family of trick or treaters. so far. but its 7:30 on a school night so its very possible that Halloween is over. for me.

They will return, and I will shower them, and calm their rattled sugar-infested brains. They will brush their teeth. Someone will yell and it will be me. Then the lights will be off.

Out of all the days, all the holidays, this tradition of my ex doing the Trick or Treating is my most favorite. ever. MOST.FAVORITE.

IT MIGHT LITERALLY BE THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING DIVORCED. Happy Divorce dance. right here. right now.

i confess to missing tons and tons of kids at the door. but. not right now, while I’m in the eye.

I whispered this whole post. Because I’m in it. THE EYE.

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Humanity

Beauty, Circles and Fear. How’s that for heavy?

I don’t know what it is, really, but i’m obsessed with the light here. and everywhere, i suppose.  my world is pretty circumscribed. it is pretty. and circumscribed.  its a golden globe of my own devising.

circles, circles. we all walk about in our bubbles… bumping bubbles if we’re social.  bumper cars of humanity.

the fall is so beautiful it hurts my eyes sometimes.  i strain to see the color striking the leaves just so… the frost on the blades of green… everything is so golden, its changeability grabs me by the lapels and forces me to think of the past, the loss…

(lapels… snicker…)

and everytime, EVERY TIME, i remember that fall comes back. its not the last fall… this light is always here, its just waiting for its particular turn. (around the sun… i couldn’t resist it, sorry…)

I’ve got a thing for circles, complete or otherwise,

cycles…

 

Is it a symptom of age? That my circles are oblong sometimes, or bumpy? That I’m no longer driven by fear? that i see the tumble of the cycles, the certainty that things will return?  I have to believe it is… the resistance to fear being an almost practical mindset now, born from my learning curves… a surrendering more than a wall-building… let it roll on past, as it will.

and, it occurs to me, that if Beauty circles, and all the things circle back… it might be called Revolution. It just might be. and I wonder if seeing it is all that it takes…

tell me, you wise ones… how are you seeing the light where you are?  is it Capital “L” Light for you? talk to me about your cycles…