Humanity

Summer begins

I think, from my point of view, on this rainy muggy day, that it feels like the beginning of a long stretch, one of those times when you know that your two jobs are going to overlap such that you might not have time for a dinner break for two more weeks. like that. except it is two months.

and i have it easy. i’m not trying to juggle child care. i am child care. i work at home and the kids will be making their own breakfasts this year, all summer. and this means many more breakfasts for dinner, because i can make eggs like nobodies bizniz.

so, its happening right now. they are all home. my tenant has her two kids here and that means 5 kids in house. my littlest is out on the trampoline with her littlest, so there are benefits, but it is also a whole lot of negotiation all the time, but mostly i get over that pretty quickly.  the benefits of a girl for the girl are pretty good.  except when they suck. then it sucks.

my kids go to their dads tonight and my honey will come over for grilled cheese and soup. because thats the kind of day it is.

just sharing, because i don’t know what else to do. the days are spinning by.

i’ve done a lot of summers, i don’t dread them anymore, and i know i’ll be fine and that it ends and i’ll even be sad that it was so short then.

i’m working on things, and trying to figure out how to make sure that I still rate as important during the summertime, that i continue to work on work and on myself and what i prioritize EVEN when the kids are here.

EVEN WHEN.

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www.seasoulblessings.com  GO LOOK.  

this is the feeling i want to have, at least SOME of the sweltering days this summer, the thrill, the endeavour. (those funky brits, always the extra ‘u’) THIS. how do i truly swing this with a potential of five sweaty urchins?

but i read this earlier, in a listing of the day’s details, calling them  ‘the day’s minor urchins’ … and suddenly its all romantic, dickensian-like. romance in the grit.

thats where we are.

-uwmf

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Humanity

Today’s Mood is not a good one.

just letting you know.

  1. All my chickens got eaten. This would be an AGAIN situation.  I’m renaming spring.  Tis now, “That time Kate fed foxes.”
  2. I’m going to build a huge pen, to house the fucking rooster who is still alive.  Okay, so can we talk about his job performance here? Because I really would like to, and it doesn’t seem like real live people in real life want to hear me rant about the cock and all the blusterfuck that goes with it. Helloooo guy who drives a HUMMER.
  3. I’m going to build a huge pen and see if i can make it super strong and viable with pallets and essentially found objects because i really do not have extra money. and I have a handy man around these days and he says its coo.
  4. so coo.
  5. i really like having chickens. it feels like a tie to the ground, and i want to be tethered like that.
  6. it just occurred to me that if i don’t have chickens i am more free to move. that is a whole kettle of fish that i am not really looking at until the last one is 18, and thats a whole different kettle. and all of it makes me sad. i love this place. LOVE.
  7. FUUUUCK.
  8. I love this month, its my birthday month. and school is ruining it.  i live in tremendous fear and anxiety that i am missing the ‘pivotal’ ‘most important’ cute things of their educational careers.  the kids don’t like being the only kids with no parents there, even if they literally NEVER are the only kids with no parents there. i feel sick at buying into the overparenting bullshit. but here i am.
  9. i’m going to be 45. i love it. what a fucking great number.
  10. thats all i got. mood. just rode on a rider mower for an hour, cleaning up my yard.
    BOSS.

 

love you,

uwmf0518190734

Divorce, Humanity

Divorced Parents

I continue to be amazed when I meet and know parents who’ve divorced, with how many variations there are of the experience and how commonly held the fears about the kids experiencing the process.

mine is one of a super privileged type: i was able to keep my house, and live in it.  i have the kids all week, he has them three weekends a month, and dinner on tuesdays. during the summer tuesdays become a sleepover!

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i’ve seen parents who can’t afford to house their children after the divorce and so have family take them in, while the former spouse refuses to pay child support. 

i’ve seen parents move in with new boyfriends just to provide that ‘stable’ thing they’ve always dreamed of for their kids. fingers crossed on that particular one.

I’ve seen parents stay living in the same house, but different rooms, in a state of near constant rage and hurt and despair because the money is so complicated and the kids aren’t even told. (imagine what that is like to live in?)

i’ve seen women get full time jobs and have their moms move in to help.

i’ve seen dads fighting for full custody against social norms and expectations. but, man, do they have to fight.

i know so many divorced people who have such great nostalgia for the ‘time before’ the divorce, not because they love that person anymore, but because they ‘loved’ that person once upon a time, and the sadness of that loss is still with them, compounded by the sadness and pain of the divorce process and the acquisition of worry for the kids. 

i’m one of them. i find it very difficult during these end of the year school things to not have the person i created these kids with by my side.  and when i do have him literally there? to realize that the man i was married to is gone, again, replaced by an irritating stranger who hurts my feelings by looking so much like someone i miss.

hmm. this is really quite a grabbag post about divorced parents. how’d you like that ramble? sheesh. Anyhow. Not divorced?  Go hug someone who is, because man, this is a doozy.

and it just keeps going on. . .

 

Humanity

SnapBack

I’m feeling really weird lately.  I’ve definitely been hiding truth from my online friends and i’ve not written here for an entire week.

Don’t take it personally, I haven’t written elsewhere either.  (winking at you)

I have been feeling really judgemental and paranoid and really ugly, and when I feel like that?  The best solution is to remove myself from public consumption.  I don’t want to spread that kind of crap around.

I’m talking sneering judgement on people that I like…  scorn of lifechoices.  Jealousy of their ‘product’, even if its simply their cute kids… believing that people are treating their lives like something to sell… suspicion of their ‘perfection’ of marketing, sneering, lip curling crap.  so much fucking judgement.  i can’t stop my fucking brain.  ( i even want to say its something else, not ‘brain’, but … spleen? some other part of my reptilian core…) fug.

sigh.

These are people that I actually know. and like. and know.

I am full of shit.

I have been looking into it, slowly and tentatively, because you KNOW that sneer applies to myself in double doses… self-loathing is a pretty damn disgusting thing.

and I think that it goes like this:

because I’m spending time with a new man, and truly trying to expand my lovecircles,

stretching my vulnerability beyond comfort… hearing and understanding all that I never actually had before. It’s more than joy because it’s bringing up so much grief.  and so much fear.

I am experiencing a massive snapback.

a rubberband snap on the risk/wrist.  a bungee cord in the face.

Snapback Rubberbands Unwifedmotherexpletive
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

But it’s FOUL.  FOUL.

And so today,  I go off to Chakra Carol, when life is so busy I can barely stand it.  End of the school year freaking insanity… concerts, plays, field trips. frucking aye.

And I need therapy. so I’m going to get it today.  Hopefully, she’ll realign me and get me back on the track I started out on.  ?  Hopefully, I’ll contain my bile and pestilence while I am with her because I LOVE her.

sigh.

 

**I’ll finish packing for the kid who is leaving on a four day school trip to DC when I get home, after I buy him a dress shirt, because, hey, why plan in advance for these things? Last night we discovered his roommate wasn’t going because of injury, and boy, were there so many phonecalls and an irate mother and thank god i’m not the teacher in charge of this. He now has a roommate that he’s going to enjoy or two, and all is well.  Everyone just say a good healthy prayer for the teachers you know.  In my case, Susan Viveiros, you get a big fat prayer from me.

BIG FAT ONE.