Humanity

School vacation: dickish #248

sigh. motherhood.

am i right?

 


that was me for most of my days when my kids were under 5. I’m not in that spot anymore.  i recognize it, i remember her well, and can impersonate her at will.

but my kids are just huge. and with divorce comes a whole huge dose of the new adult understanding of impermanence. i’m just gifted them for such a damn short time. and then they go off into the world and i’m still living with me, in the end, just me, as roommate and lovah, all. (even if there is someone else there, or a slow dribble of children coming and going)…

i’ve handled things differently this vacation, for the first time ever. choose differently.  i am using money to have two whole days wherein all 3 kids will be at camps. and one will be gone four whole days in the end. its allowing me to write here, to do a little bit of thinking, and to act as if it were almost a normal week, which honestly? is so so good.

because its school vacation and the biggest dickish one is very clearly ME.  the fiery circle of hell that is my dinner time prep on vacation days is dissipated, because its an almost regular day.  and because i have a little bit of routine i can handle the constant calls for entertainment and food and bitchery that emanate from the living areas . almost like an odor.

right now? i’m typing this at a starbucks because i have a giftcard . rock that. school vacation week and i’m alone with hot coffee and a bit of focus. i don’t believe it either. but there it is…  a little change in thinking and a redirection of funds, and  there is an EASTER MIRACLE.

right now? yes, right now it is a MIRACLE.  look for one near you. Camouflaged Gecko Unwifedmotherexpletive

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Humanity

Discovery of self-worth. Eureka?

SO my hatred of The Magicians has passed. I mean, how can i actually ‘hate’ anything make-believe? its just silly speak and i’m moving on . . . see? the meds are with me.

cop-outs are everywhere.

and self-deprecation is the tool of the TRUE GODS AND GODDESSES… if only we weren’t so good at deflection, you’d be blinded.

(read that one slowly.)

and no, i haven’t lost my grip on humility.  not even momentarily, sadly. (had to look up how to spell Eureka, for fucksake)

i do have moments when i can say good things about myself, i mean, i do.  and i do thank my ex for that, because i have real moments of self-value that come simply from being taken for granted, and its really powerful to really deeply feel how much you matter to the world you’ve created.  the kids do the same for me. … when i have to demand that they speak to me a certain way, or that they ask for things rather than demand…its respect, and i deserve it… 0402192020a little bits and bobs…

took me awhile.

but also, last night, i actually WENT to the gym i signed up for. and i’m proud as anything that i made it.  because i was anxious about it for days.  nervous about what people would think, how weak i would look, how sweaty and fat i would be… all irrational, to a large degree.  its been awhile since i was fit, and i’m sad and a little embarassed by it. but i know i can get it back, i just have to put in the time, again, and make sure i do it for myself. utterly only? … which is nearly impossible for me. i definitely work better when i think there is some benefit that is broader than just myself.  in this case? kids… want to stay strong and fit as a role model of strong fit woman for the kids…

but then it makes you think about the things you do overcome… and big and little and what pride you have in accomplishing things…

i’m running my household, i am truly the head of the household. always was, but didn’t know.

i’m figuring out how to value the simple way i move in the world.  i’m not spending tons of time chastising myself for my hit and run socializing.  i just get all frazzled after 15 minutes and have to run away. thats it… its not a huge statement about what an asshole loser i am.

i do wish i could spend more time, sometimes, but listening is just so damn hard, 15 minutes is about my limit. and i love people, even if they don’t know i do.

and thats another thing i value about myself.  i love people, even if they don’t know i do. how cool is that?

anyhow. its a beginning. make your own lists, babes.

Humanity

i should really title you. . .

tell me about this, someone please?

so, i read this book awhile back and it made me mad. it made me so mad. it moved slowly, i hated (detested) the characters, and nothing ever happened in it that made me feel better about it. and i read all the way to the end wanting something good to be there. but no.

then they made a tv show of it. and i said, HAIL NO. and then people kept reccomending it to me and then someone said it was way better than the book and then i had another night of being at loose ends and watching tv to numb myself.

so i tried it. Guess what?

HATED IT. DETEST THE CHARACTERS. HATE IT.

okay,so there are several things going on here, to start before we even get into what makes me so full of rage at this show.

  1. Why am i so goddamn hopeful? it must have reached prescribable levels by now.  what the hell is this pollyanna crap? why did i read the whole book? why did i try the show? why was i so unhappy for so many days but woke up hopeful each day at some point and stayed married?
  2. There is magic in this show. and they never use it for delight. its always for some personal gain or to trick someone or to hurt someone else and if there is delight, it is incidental…there is no thrill and exhileration and no harry fucking potter and I WANT TO KNOW WHY THEY ARE WASTING IT!
  3. There is a lot of privilege in the show. A lot. Its a class thing, i’m sure the show producers mixed up color and culture as best they could (still lame) but its money here. Kids who smoke and drink all day like they are not kids, but old drunks and country club ladies. . they think they rebel but end up just like the parents they despise.  Too much Breakfast Club Claire.  these characters hold no humor for me, only rage. The privilege of wasting your life. THE WASTE! OH MY GOD, THE WASTE!!sigh.  the show? The Magicians.

 

if you like it, could you please tell me why? and stop me from trying to watch it again? because of the pervasive hope that i’m wrong thing?

please?

 

Humanity

Things… sprouts…upward and onward.

so. my week of spirit continues.

these are the things.  today is friday. two of the days i had kids home with me. once, a pickup at school because of ‘butt stuff’. once, a kid who couldn’t go because of ‘hurting stomach’- i was worried about coming ‘butt stuff’.

my mom had a procedure on her shoulder which i took her to and from with potentially sick kid lurking…it was fine. kid was fine and procedure was 1000 times better than the last one and we are all so very happy about that.  i even took her home this time, to HER house.  last time, it was a family sleepover at mine.  (my house is a little chaotic for her, at this point, though she’s in grandmotherly love with us)…

i lost a little of my slight rhythm, and intention was unfocused in the changeup of the days.  A little work popped up and I was hyper aware of the money of taxes, as I’ve just gotten my bill, and it seems the table was swept clear in a mad rush to make sure I earned some dough this week, extra and on top.

I can pay my taxes though

and while i did not earn a tremendous amount of money, i do have to pay taxes on the alimony that comes in, and thats the ticket that makes it tough. I will barely make it, but I will.  I saved enough and put it all aside enough, to pay the Man, and to pay my first quarterly payment.  this is BIG, and i whisper it. and turn around, and feel like i need a ‘no spend’ month to get some money back in my accounts again.

This weekend the kids are gone.

and i am cleaning house. the sickness must be laundered out.

the chickens coop must be cleaned out, because i would like to sell the eggs again and these ladies are too blecky after a long winter ‘cooped’ up. (chicken language: its everywhere..)

I am visiting a friend who is having a popup shop but I AM NOT SPENDING ANY MONEY, CECILIA! 🙂 but i will laugh with her, and it is always wonderful wonderful to see her.

I am meeting my sister’s new boyfriend. hee hee. I’m so excited.

Boy holding trophy spring triumph UnwifedMotherExpletive
My kind of Daffodil

This is the season where all the work that has been happening underground becomes visible.  the savings. the growth, the uncurling bean. uncurling unfurling.

what can you see from where you are?   Are you further up and further in ?

 

Humanity

MOney Mony

So, here in the land of the spring chill, the snow is just about gone. and the copious amounts of dogshit are uncovered… along with the shock and awe campaign of crocus and snowdrop.

Its a tough haul for me right now.  Haven’t been making enough in the freelancing world to satisfy my quotas.  And yes, I can live on alimony and childsupport, but I am bleeding to try and not to.  And, I don’t mean that I am bleeding.  I mean that I am desperately desirous of a financial future which does not involve my listening to J moan. Because the problem really is that I agree with him.  I SHOULD be supporting myself and my children. I SHOULD!

all those other arguments involving the reality of my situation and the kids and the house and the all of it, don’t weigh as much in my inner drama as the capital letters higher up.

and i’ve heard all kinds of arguments against my feelings, and i get it. i wish i could believe in them.

0310191220c

So, I’m trimming down. I’m cancelling things and I am asking for scholarships to some of the things I want to keep doing but can’t afford to.  And it makes my ears burn and it makes me cry in shame.  (and yes, my sister, i know you would loan me money, but these are my choices and i’m sticking by them. )  Now, if someone else told me about these things, I have a whole host of supportive things I would say.  But me?  I literally feel pain in my heart.

so much shame.  my friend Alix says to me ‘i’m pretty sure capitalism is not okay’. … and i laugh and that feels much better than shame.

and i don’t have any answers or any directions right now. just applying for more work over and over. and stretching to do stuff i don’t feel super comfortable doing. so there. needs. discomfort.