Humanity, Uncategorized

Messing About

….and making a mess..

one of the things i’m trying to do is make this place a more ‘bonified’ site. which of course is ridiculous as i have less than 30 readers currently. ! but i love my 30 readers so i’ve got to apologize for any whack that comes through in the meantime.

an empty shop, new analytics programs, ads, twitter, the national political game…oh my gawd, blaghblah… all things i’m trying to add in to my worldview and i am currently in the overwhelmed-by-change stage of my Monday morning.  hopefully the words will still come through all the streamers hanging from the ceiling… I’m just not at all sure that all the things are connected and i really need a goddamned mentor who can tell me what the hell is going on.

because i no longer know.

feet legs animal farm
Photo by Gratisography on

its not that unfamiliar a place for me, frankly.  right? i mean, certainly politically the past few years have been pretty damn volatile, and the whole world is off kilter, somehow.

people are mean, and small, and i don’t think i’ve ever settled on that as firmly as i am today.

but i’m curious about tomorrow. and November.

and i wonder if all this will be old-hat for me at some point.

there is this sense of arrival that i’m waiting for… not yet, not yet, the wind is whispering…

my curiosity is piqued… my overwhelm is high, but i’m hanging in…



hang in there, all of us…


GUYS! i have a little work!!!

Its a job! Its temporary! Its administrative! I’m not allowed to get excited!!

antique art business equipment
Photo by Min An on

ugh. mofo.

but i am though.  you know i am. i am thrilled to have my brain be engaged in something besides fear and rage. (hollah us government, and, evidently, all mankind.)

so i’m typing and emailing and being asked questions that i have to find out the answers for… its great!  and the house continues to fall apart.  hmm. but work!! and money for it!! and you know, FALL! and leaves and stuff.

socks. sweaters. fires.

i’m going to be 400 pounds in all my glory soon. and this is the truth.  i’ll give a real post tomorrow, i swear, but i was remiss in posting yesterday because I was WORKING!!!

hee hee.



Divorce, Humanity, Uncategorized

Divorce, Money and Pride

Everyone couple has a different story. Money in the divorce, who gets what, how do you move along with disparate ways of life, with new incomes, perhaps radically different incomes, different responsibilities in terms of childcare, and of course, the occasional emotional upset.

I remember telling a friend about the split and her first question was whether we’d be selling the house.

it rocked me right back. i hadn’t even thought about it.

(it was early days, there was a lot i hadn’t thought about, or realized about my new reality.)

I am living, currently, on child support and alimony.  entirely. the little bits and bobs that i bring in from rent, selling clothes and doing writing gigs for my friend are barely making up the difference for the amount i told him we could cut it down this month.  Its tight.  but i’m still able to be home for my kids, and i need to be, as no job i could get would equal the childcare i would need.  anyhow. you’ve heard it all before… mother’s hours and all that.  wah wah.

i could not afford to pay the mortgage on this place, probably even with a ‘traditional’ job.  its a doctors house. it IS unpretentious, but big in an eye-opening way.  but here i am, living in it with three kids, a dog, a tortoise, a cat and 14 chickens.  although, to be fair, the chickens live outside.

i’m incredibly lucky to have been able to be in this house for this whole time, and so are the kids. the few times i’ve glanced at the house-selling subject with the kids, its been pandemonium and upset.  and, while upsetting the kids is not a reason to struggle to keep this place,  it is a small proof in my eyes, that it might be worth it.

argh. i don’t know.  i need to think things through.

what i do know is that my pride is deeply involved.  the parts of me that don’t want any fucking money from him AT ALL are at war with the parts of me that want him to remember me.

hotrod die cast model on board
Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on

and OH MY GOD. of course, anything can happen, at any time. but i’m not waiting for some ‘partner’ to arrive, with tons of money and a handyman’s skillset.

as i type, a piece of an out-building just fell to the ground.

so there is that.

so, i don’t know, man. there is a lot.

and i’ve just barely brushed the surface.  i think i might make it a series… like dickens, but wicked boring.






45 minutes

There’s an evil time period before my kids get home which is full of uselessness. And then they arrive, and its all yelling and shouting and avoiding homework. Its a whirlwind of ineffective and I can’t stand it .

i cannot bear it, i tell you.

today, in my malaise, i kept checking on a shirt i want to sell on instagram. like, over and over, and over.  Its cute, i want it to sell, because i like to know my things are going out into the world.  I want it to be loved. 0913181425

I like the mailman, although he is surly.  I appreciate and accept his surliness.  not as a challenge, but as a slice of strawberry rhubarb pie.  he’s the rhubarb.   without him, its just canned fruit and rot yer damn teefs. . .

sigh. its here. i’m in it. too short a time to run out and get something.  not enough going on on twitter. or anywhere. i bought a clock for my office and i am literally listening to it tick.

sigh. again.

i still don’t have a job.

I know that i will eventually. but nothing today.

I’m going to post this tomorrow morning, maybe by then i’ll have noticed all the things that ARE changing… and hope i get to see the surly one. . .




Humanity, Uncategorized

The Fridge

This is the baby that I got for 800 dollars this past week.  It freezes things. like, really frozen, not melty. its been months since the ice cream was frozen. so sad. bigly.


fridge1Its the most important, biggest thing i’ve ever purchased entirely on my own.  I am 44. I researched, I found an outlet for appliances that are dinged/scratched but working and I had saved enough money in the past few years that I didn’t have to use a credit card.

I think if you dice and slice that paragraph there is a whole lot in it.

But I am here to do the work for you. So let me tell you.

Trusting myself is a real damn problem for me.  I woke several times this past week, knowing I had to just buckle down and buy a fridge, without anyone telling me which one was the best for me… and then it turned into doubt that I could possibly have measured correctly and would so prove that I am unfit to exist when the men realized it wouldn’t fit.

(uh, former quilter here. do you know how much damn measuring i have done?! fucking shit tons…)

did that come across?

These are the things that happened while I was getting my kids ready to go back to school.  all of them, complete with a first-timer.

  1. i researched this outlet place. good rep.
  2. i talked to my fix-it friend and he said so too, and recommended a maintenance plan as a real value.
  3. i canvassed for opinion.
  4. i took photos of the measurements in the manual and compared to my measurements and looked up the measurements of the ‘new’.
  5. i visited the ‘new’ in person with kids in tow. we tried doors, we pulled drawers.
  6. i went back before kindergarten orientation, bought the maintenance plan, bought the thing.  used part of my savings. no credit card.  you know why?! because i’ve been saving for EXACTLY this reason.
  7. Then i survived kindergarten orientation. but my insides are temporarily outside. never mind that.


guess what? i can do this shit. all by myself.  its a damn fridge. and it might as well be a sunburst in your face.



(shaka laka boom boom)