Humanity

i should really title you. . .

tell me about this, someone please?

so, i read this book awhile back and it made me mad. it made me so mad. it moved slowly, i hated (detested) the characters, and nothing ever happened in it that made me feel better about it. and i read all the way to the end wanting something good to be there. but no.

then they made a tv show of it. and i said, HAIL NO. and then people kept reccomending it to me and then someone said it was way better than the book and then i had another night of being at loose ends and watching tv to numb myself.

so i tried it. Guess what?

HATED IT. DETEST THE CHARACTERS. HATE IT.

okay,so there are several things going on here, to start before we even get into what makes me so full of rage at this show.

  1. Why am i so goddamn hopeful? it must have reached prescribable levels by now.  what the hell is this pollyanna crap? why did i read the whole book? why did i try the show? why was i so unhappy for so many days but woke up hopeful each day at some point and stayed married?
  2. There is magic in this show. and they never use it for delight. its always for some personal gain or to trick someone or to hurt someone else and if there is delight, it is incidental…there is no thrill and exhileration and no harry fucking potter and I WANT TO KNOW WHY THEY ARE WASTING IT!
  3. There is a lot of privilege in the show. A lot. Its a class thing, i’m sure the show producers mixed up color and culture as best they could (still lame) but its money here. Kids who smoke and drink all day like they are not kids, but old drunks and country club ladies. . they think they rebel but end up just like the parents they despise.  Too much Breakfast Club Claire.  these characters hold no humor for me, only rage. The privilege of wasting your life. THE WASTE! OH MY GOD, THE WASTE!!sigh.  the show? The Magicians.

 

if you like it, could you please tell me why? and stop me from trying to watch it again? because of the pervasive hope that i’m wrong thing?

please?

 

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Humanity

Things… sprouts…upward and onward.

so. my week of spirit continues.

these are the things.  today is friday. two of the days i had kids home with me. once, a pickup at school because of ‘butt stuff’. once, a kid who couldn’t go because of ‘hurting stomach’- i was worried about coming ‘butt stuff’.

my mom had a procedure on her shoulder which i took her to and from with potentially sick kid lurking…it was fine. kid was fine and procedure was 1000 times better than the last one and we are all so very happy about that.  i even took her home this time, to HER house.  last time, it was a family sleepover at mine.  (my house is a little chaotic for her, at this point, though she’s in grandmotherly love with us)…

i lost a little of my slight rhythm, and intention was unfocused in the changeup of the days.  A little work popped up and I was hyper aware of the money of taxes, as I’ve just gotten my bill, and it seems the table was swept clear in a mad rush to make sure I earned some dough this week, extra and on top.

I can pay my taxes though

and while i did not earn a tremendous amount of money, i do have to pay taxes on the alimony that comes in, and thats the ticket that makes it tough. I will barely make it, but I will.  I saved enough and put it all aside enough, to pay the Man, and to pay my first quarterly payment.  this is BIG, and i whisper it. and turn around, and feel like i need a ‘no spend’ month to get some money back in my accounts again.

This weekend the kids are gone.

and i am cleaning house. the sickness must be laundered out.

the chickens coop must be cleaned out, because i would like to sell the eggs again and these ladies are too blecky after a long winter ‘cooped’ up. (chicken language: its everywhere..)

I am visiting a friend who is having a popup shop but I AM NOT SPENDING ANY MONEY, CECILIA! 🙂 but i will laugh with her, and it is always wonderful wonderful to see her.

I am meeting my sister’s new boyfriend. hee hee. I’m so excited.

Boy holding trophy spring triumph UnwifedMotherExpletive
My kind of Daffodil

This is the season where all the work that has been happening underground becomes visible.  the savings. the growth, the uncurling bean. uncurling unfurling.

what can you see from where you are?   Are you further up and further in ?

 

Humanity

MOney Mony

So, here in the land of the spring chill, the snow is just about gone. and the copious amounts of dogshit are uncovered… along with the shock and awe campaign of crocus and snowdrop.

Its a tough haul for me right now.  Haven’t been making enough in the freelancing world to satisfy my quotas.  And yes, I can live on alimony and childsupport, but I am bleeding to try and not to.  And, I don’t mean that I am bleeding.  I mean that I am desperately desirous of a financial future which does not involve my listening to J moan. Because the problem really is that I agree with him.  I SHOULD be supporting myself and my children. I SHOULD!

all those other arguments involving the reality of my situation and the kids and the house and the all of it, don’t weigh as much in my inner drama as the capital letters higher up.

and i’ve heard all kinds of arguments against my feelings, and i get it. i wish i could believe in them.

0310191220c

So, I’m trimming down. I’m cancelling things and I am asking for scholarships to some of the things I want to keep doing but can’t afford to.  And it makes my ears burn and it makes me cry in shame.  (and yes, my sister, i know you would loan me money, but these are my choices and i’m sticking by them. )  Now, if someone else told me about these things, I have a whole host of supportive things I would say.  But me?  I literally feel pain in my heart.

so much shame.  my friend Alix says to me ‘i’m pretty sure capitalism is not okay’. … and i laugh and that feels much better than shame.

and i don’t have any answers or any directions right now. just applying for more work over and over. and stretching to do stuff i don’t feel super comfortable doing. so there. needs. discomfort.

 

Humanity

Lack

Lack is a word that ‘new agey’ people throw around a lot.  ‘new agey’ people is a term I throw around a fair amount and i completely recognize its stupidity, in the face of the tremendous variety of people out there.  mostly what i mean is people who are interested in more non-traditional ways of thinking about the body and the psyche.

my mother thinks the tarot is most likely evil.  She is NOT new agey.   Can you identify the definition in that negative?

anyhow. Lack.

If you focus on what you don’t have.. or spend your fears on what you might lose.. or do all the work you do to KEEP lack away… its a part of your life… and investigating it is worth a damn. or a dollar.

when i feel myself filling with resentment, i tend to spend.  i do. i spend money, i spend time… i throw it around like budgets and constraints are a fantasy… like dwarves… or magic swords… fun in books but not ‘real’ to me.

this time around?  i found the greatest abundance in giving away.  i gave money to two fundraisers for families in need.  i found it thrilling to think i could give and it would help relieve at least one stress in their lives as they move through trama. these were small amounts, but i could swing it, and there was legit NEED. 

i signed up for an infusion of essential oils from my friend gina garris… she’s magic. and i spent money! and i felt instantly that i was already wealthier… weird but true.  they haven’t arrived yet but even the thinking was an enriching experience. . .

when you are required to think about what you really need, and you include all the different parts of you: the mom of an overly emotional kid, the sexual creature, the artist, the dreamer, the worrier… all those parts need to be honored and cared for… and then you feel that someone is going to do that?  (gina’s oils are… and I am… ME..)  Its pretty kickass.

it feels fertile. rich loam, vibrant soil.  you get me?

its february.  normally we’d be holding onto our sanity about spring… but this year the weather has significantly altered and it seems like spring could be any minute now.  usually at this time we are clinging to faith.  faith that beneath the soil is percolation, potential, growth… that while all is frozen, the green and the lush are lying in wait for us…

well, its a thing for me anyways.  (laughing)  It really is. I hope you have that too. that faith.  it feels pretty damn luxurious in the face of what we might think we lack.  faith beneath the slush and the chill.

burble.

Oxalis... the growth beneath the freeze... UnwifedMotherExpletive

 

another thing i did was move heaven and high water. (what? what does that mean? ) ..is it supposed to be hell? … to spend time with real live people this weekend, which meant asking my mom to babysit on a weekend i ‘had the kids’… i’ve never, ever done that before, in all these almost 3-4 years of separation. they’ve never had a babysitter when they’ve been with me, and i’ve never gone out without them. and i did. and it was worth it.

and let me just tell you, there were a lot of people involved… 2 sports games and a surprise third. and three different sets of people helped manage the driving so i could go away and have a cup of tea in a mug that i drank while warm. with real. live.people. living. not online.

have i ever told you all how hermit-like i am? hm.

but it was another way to SPEND in order to nourish. and i’m all in . its not all money, but it is all enriching, and i’m all for it right now.

Humanity

School ‘vacation’. Dickish.

so the kids went with their dad for a four day skiing trip. its school break. they left school a day and a half early, i think to accomodate the friend they were going with who is from another state and parochial school. anyhow. whoosh. what an adventure, so thrilling… all 3 now proficient and unafraid of skiis, hills and lifts.

for those of you, like me, who did not grow up near mountains, skiing isn’t a way of life. its a gargantuanly expensive up and down repetition that has a whole lot of class issues tied up in it.  Never you fear, this is a white girl who is noticing stratifications in white society.  I’m not sure theres any other color on the mountains, really.  tell me if i’m wrong.

christmas cold height high
Photo by PhotoMIX Ltd. on Pexels.com

i’m glad my kids got the opportunity. I’m confused about money and can’t tell which are my deep-seated issues from childhood, which are my issues from money and divorce and which are just white girl who doesn’t-get-to-go issues.

all very white. and all very dickish.  maybe on my part, maybe on the part of skiiers.  i can’t tell.

it IS fun, i know it. and i went once maybe when i was a kid with my dad, and once or twice with my kids when they were fewer… its fun, i get it. exhilarating.  if i lived closer, it might be a thing i do.   but probably not.

ANYHOW.

they arrive home and within a half hour i literally have an 11 year old in tears because i am not taking him to a hotel overnight.  and because vacation is so boring, and i am a liar.  30 minutes after a four day skiing trip.

sigh.

dickish.

let them eat the dustbunnies i say. welcome to the home of boring rules and being bored and staying home and making beds and closing chickencoops and having a bedtime and no screens before school and all that joy.  its fun for me too.  believe it.

and when you are old, you will remember skiing and you will remember laughing with your mom and her face when you told her you almost gave up but didn’t and then there was all that dancing in the kitchen and the laughing and the music and the yelling and the hugging.  all of it.  you will remember all of it.  and it won’t feel boring.

i promise.