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morose. but willing.

it snowed last night. Around here, its really early for a first snow. and it was at night when it happened, so that whole lovely ‘first snow’ feeling never happened.  and it just reminded me so much of the winter wherein the snow never melted and we all went a little crazy, like northern maine crazy… jack nicholson crazy.

so there is that feeling upon waking up… trapped.

and yesterday i laid down a cool 4 thousand dollars to keep my car on the road for another few years.  now, unlike the new fridge of a month or so back, there is no glory feeling, no feeling of accomplishment.  money was fished out of the sock drawer and the credit card was used.

and the car is still full of kidcrap, and it is all very very unsatisfying. they had to move everything out of the trunk (why? WHY?) so all that crap is now in the backseat of my car, staring me right in the face. and it snowed last night, so i don’t really want to deal with it today.

whatever. i’m morose, and dealing with it. at this point, i’ve felt most of the nontraumatic feels i am going to feel in my life, and i’ve bounced from every single one. so i’ll bounce from this.

I’m eating cashews for breakfast and lunch and that’ll take me a long way back towards pleasure.

i’m back on the dating sites. one guy just asked me to send him money. for real. another guy? i thought i’d be going out with him tonight, to hang out and be new friends.  but no, he disappeared. and its not the first time, for him, or in general.

and there’s no crush, my feelings aren’t hurt… its just mildly disappointing and a little confusing. i’m not really a big fan of being confused.

and i would have preferred to not add confusion to the morose.

meh.

 

 

 

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Humanity

DATA, or free will?

OH man, when you start to understand even the tip of the iceberg of how much data is being collected about us, and how we are being swayed… it is actually frightening.

i’m using an archaeologist’s brush on the bones of this thing… thats how little i am digging in… and i KNOW a new level of freaked out.

and maybe its all innocent, just marketing, you know? just businesses trying to sell their wares, at its simplest…

But when i browse rotary dial phones on my phone, and then facebook decides to do the same, and instagram suddenly feels i should maybe check out these new phone sites… its all part of a mad sweep affecting my entire world.  and this one? this was an experiment.

lets talk political persuasion.  i’m liberal, all the news i see is horrified by our president. he’s crazy, he’s doom.  i’m conservative, all the news i see is horrified by the liberals. they are crazy, if they get power, they’ll lock the government down in gridlock.

 

hm.  huh.

the larger question of free will vs. data manipulation is legit.

especially as we roll into the Mecca of Mega Consumerism, otherwise known as the Birth of Jesus.

seriously, the hypocrisy of some religious folks right here is HIGH.  but aside from that.     ( i can’t claim hypocrisy on this one because my faith is only mustardseed big and i make no claims to be a true believer… there are millions of things i am hypocritical about, but not this one..)…

when the digression is bigger on the inside than the subject from which you have digressed? what then?

BUT ASIDE FROM THAT.

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this photo does not sell anything.

what do your kids want? did they see it on a commercial? did they see it in a youtube?  who sold it to them? because someone DID… directly.

i’ve been trying to learn the facebook ads system.  facebook. that which people my age look at almost daily, if they have it at all.  so, an advertiser makes note of your age, preferences, connections and shows you an ad.  if you click on it, you enter a new select group, which they can target with another series of ads… its all automated, there’s nobody looking at you as an individual… you’re just a stat.

if you’ve ever looked at a gap ad, you’re on a list… if you looked at that cool boot in the middle of your page, in that super cool green color, you’re on a list… those cool science box clubs that arrive once a month? you’re on the box club list…(i’ve seen it!)  i can target any list or demographic i want to …so so specifically…  and just show my ads to you…

imagine what i could do if i had a political persuasion and an audience receptive to my point of view.  imagine if i particularly wanted to sway them.

its been proven time and time again that ads work.

time and time.

just be careful out there friends.  what you think you want, might not be a free will decision… your data collection has commenced.

just be careful.

(if you click on MY ads, here on this blog, you’ll give me some dollars, so go ahead, leap into the fray, if you already live there….otherwise… )

 

 

You know what is absolutely AMAZING?  I wrote this the same day all of Facebook’s scandals scandalized, and was still unaware. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/16/podcasts/the-daily/facebook-zuckerberg-sandberg-russia-election-data.html?rref=collection%2Fspotlightcollection%2Fpodcasts&action=click&contentCollection=podcasts&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=1&pgtype=collection

my favorite scaryuncle boss? Took all his ads off facebook this morning…  and thats why he’s my favorite scaryuncle boss.

 

Humanity

More jobs. work at home jobs. This is not an ad.

Okay, so my title choice are going WAY downhill. but i wanted to tell you what else I’m doing besides crying in blankets because of facebook ads, more of which happened today… more crying that is… i’ll be fine.

i said yesterday in a supportive environment that ‘Not knowing doesn’t mean I’m stupid, it just means I don’t know’.

today i’m clutching that like its my glasses at the end of the world library.

sigh.

but what else i’m doing is this:

*editing romance novels.

*finessing the ‘about page’ for a Greek family jewelry/design business

*writing articles on how to pick a good Kindergarten, in Singapore.  not the same as in my town, dudes. not the same.

*swanking up acceptance speeches in Brazil, because there are Astrological organizations there that need swanking.

*applying daily for as many jobs as I can, because I have no idea what jobs I’m going to have next week.

*talking to myself moment-to-moment about how i should not quit crazy uncle job, because of money, and pride.  (austen moment, i’m not one of the survivors.)

i’ll be fine, but right now i’m not really.

i wrote this earlier and i liked it, i think its right. …

i am in such a mood. its killer. still no cigarettes. (day 5 in progress) but damn. it hurts. one of the things that kills me? i used to live like this all the time…the edge of tears, the full to the brim of ‘it must be my fault’… ‘i just hafta…and it’ll… ” “if i just _______, then ______it’ll be all better…” … all the time… and i’m done now, so revisiting like this is doubly painful. like, empathetic pain for the ‘she was’ … you know? ouch. ouch.

ouch.

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this photo has nothing to do with anything… but its a beach front place thats packing up for winter, and is chockfull of beauty. so much.  it burbles out.

Humanity

yesterday, smart. not smart.

it happened. i bumped into the technology wall of ineptitude.  i was crushed by debris.

look for me in the clouds, y’all.

 

( i should stop there, for drama, but there is, of course, more.)

honestly, the debris involved ads posting on their own, purportedly, and pointing people to nowhere and possibly hurting reputations… and guess who gets to pay for that mistake? whoowhee.  possibly, the problem is contained but it involved literal tears on my part and a text to my sister asking if i should be quitting to save my friendship with scary uncle.

she said no.

so i think that i have now erased everything that i have touched.  possibly.  if i get another email today, that tells me my ad is ready to roll out in a hot second, you will hear me… across the street (winking at L.S.) or across state lines…

i think that my frustration and tears were partly to do with the complete shock of not understanding. it is rare for me to come across something that i can’t grapple to the ground.

in a moment of grace this morning, i was able to envision looking back at my stresscake-ness and saying ‘woah, remember when i got so fruity?’… another moment,… ‘perhaps its not designed quite as organically as they believe’…

that’ll be nice. i hope that happens. its a large part of my identity that i’m a smart girl, and feeling incompetent is not something i tolerate well…

as is evidenced by the way i felt yesterday.

there was a lot of drama.

full on tears. in solitude, i keep that shit from the kids unless its spurts out uncontrollably. this was a silent, fatdropping tears time.

kids ate their dinner from the freezer. nuggets, patties, hotpockets. nary a vegetable in sight.

i yelled.  i had a hit-the-steering-wheel moment as i was driving my eldest to his spontaneous sleepover. sometimes the body just gets overloaded and has to fritz out. i fritzed.  (today they don’t have school as all good citizens will be VOTING like our lives depend on it, or our national pride, or something..)

maybe i’m just not smart in all the ways.  i mean, i already know i’m not a memorizer, i’m not a geometry girl, i’m no longer a slog-through-it heavy prose reader..(in college though? oh hell yes) … so. does it help me if i admit i can’t get this?

it feels like quitting.  and man, do i feel like quitting.

but.money. and sheer stubbornness. like i’ve got something to prove to the freaking facebook ads manager. i’m going to rip it to shreds. go all wolverine broody on its ass.

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I went to the beach this weekend. and dyed my hair. I wanted to put a fierce picture here, to show my grit, but I’m not there yet. i’m just pudding, no grit.

I’ll get there, don’t worry.  maybe.  highly likely. probable. possible.

Humanity

My favorite boss/waiting for a mudslide/faithjones

My favorite boss ever is the scary angel uncle in The Nutcracker.  You know, the one who is terrifying, completely, but for some reason Clara likes him and then you realize he’s a great Wizard bringing the Magic and the Fear of Mice into the world…? That guy? Yeah, he’s my boss.

He tells me to go make a facebook ad. A duplicate of one he ran six years ago.  And then he shoves me and tells me not to bother him anymore.

I cry a lot, in anguish, when I don’t know what words mean. . . and i cry a lot here right now.  CTR, CPM…. ROI… Technically, I know what they all mean, but I’ve had to look them up, all of them, and I am not clear on how they relate to me, or what i am trying to do.

and … it all hurts my heart….WHY? WHY, you say!

1. to admit that I don’t sell anything and if i have to peddle in this stuff, i might completely fail when I do find something to sell.

2. that i am 44 and i don’t know how to learn this stuff.  I don’t know whether i need to go buy a book and a highlighter and just camp out til it makes sense…

or youtube videos? pay some kid to sit with me and teach me, simple steps? how to duplicate without making a million clones..? I mean, seriously, i don’t know if i can do this.  and i might blow something ‘real’ up in the process….

and plus, you guys, WHY IS THE WORLD LIKE THIS?????

why are we tracking all this data? why are we so full of manipulation and money-grubbing?

….which is to say…. i have realized that my dream of being paid to just write for you, here, is a fairy tale.  one of many, yes, that my golden shard wholeheartedly throws herself at daily.

she just ‘believes’ I can. without any data, or product to sell. just belief. faith.

it cuts me to the quick.

sitting back, waiting for a mudslide to close the road.

what to do about this? any of it? the golden shard, crystal?

oh my word, could i be Atreyu’s Empress?! Could I?

PLEASE?!

good god, its so good to realize my true calling. so damn good.

 

 

ah. faith.   i’ve got so many questions for you.