Divorce, Humanity

Letter to that Guy- more online dating fiascos, by me.

Dear Guy,

I have to tell you how sorry I am.  My disappointment is not actually in YOU but in me. Its that classic, its not you but me bit that totally leaves everyone unsatisfied, no matter how true.

All we did was text, WE NEVER EVEN MET… so there are no children to care for, no body parts to have checked, no heart to re-invigorate…. nothing. nothing.  but what i did was something which is both old and well-known to me, and new and sparkling in its dysfunction.

i made you the answer to questions i used to have. desires i used to have.

you said, ‘i like to read’, i heard…

i’m the smart guy you’ve been waiting for… we can talk about books and i can teach you things you didn’t even know you wanted to learn… let’s hold hands!

you said, ‘my children are grown’… i heard…

we can meet anytime, anywhere, he has an EMPTY house… WE ARE FREE…. SEX! ALL THE TIME!!

you said, ‘i’m worried about you’… i heard…

( i heard it right, but my reaction went like this…)  OH MY GOD, this is what it feels like to have somebody care about me? to be watched out for? i’m going to cry.  i should ask him to marry me… i mean, arranged marriages work sometimes, right? why not? he wouldn’t be too freaked out, right? he must feel what i am feeling….

”””””’

sigh.

deciding to straddle the line between wanting a real thing and being ready for a real thing has made an interesting shift occur in me. this kind of mental gymnastics in which i singlehandedly create the makebelieve-come-true is something i did right before my very first date after the marriage ended .

i remember it so clearly. it took me a year and a half to be interested in dating. and my birthday approached and i went ahead and joined the online world and got a date. we texted ahead of time,  and i did the same thing i did this week… i made him into the ‘one’.

really? the first date in a year and a half is THE ONE? hmmm. what could be wrong about that?

i don’t even believe in the ONE.

so, upon seeing him, even in profile, still in car,  i realized what i had done, what i had created.  and never did it again.

and so the fact that i have suddenly succumbed to it, again? so curious.

what is this?

I’m 4 years separated. have had my first date, kiss, sex, whathaveyous… have learned a whole lot, have remembered more.  why, suddenly, am i back to square one ?

forgetting everything that i’ve learned, the power that i’ve reclaimed? would i really want to date and find myself an empty husk again? without the solidity and groundedness that i have now?

i suppose the fact that i’m seeing all this and adding ‘no text’ to my daily list shows a bit of something has dislodged… i don’t want to give into what seems to be a natural skill set for me, the creative imagination overspill.

i don’t know who, or what is coming… but i’m pretty sure that when it does, i’ll meet it face to face and not in my imagination. so i can just ask my monkey brain to step aside for awhile, go eat a banana for chrissakes.

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This picture? Mostly because of the spiral, the loop loop loop of my brain these days… and the variations of grey. 

 

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morose. but willing.

it snowed last night. Around here, its really early for a first snow. and it was at night when it happened, so that whole lovely ‘first snow’ feeling never happened.  and it just reminded me so much of the winter wherein the snow never melted and we all went a little crazy, like northern maine crazy… jack nicholson crazy.

so there is that feeling upon waking up… trapped.

and yesterday i laid down a cool 4 thousand dollars to keep my car on the road for another few years.  now, unlike the new fridge of a month or so back, there is no glory feeling, no feeling of accomplishment.  money was fished out of the sock drawer and the credit card was used.

and the car is still full of kidcrap, and it is all very very unsatisfying. they had to move everything out of the trunk (why? WHY?) so all that crap is now in the backseat of my car, staring me right in the face. and it snowed last night, so i don’t really want to deal with it today.

whatever. i’m morose, and dealing with it. at this point, i’ve felt most of the nontraumatic feels i am going to feel in my life, and i’ve bounced from every single one. so i’ll bounce from this.

I’m eating cashews for breakfast and lunch and that’ll take me a long way back towards pleasure.

i’m back on the dating sites. one guy just asked me to send him money. for real. another guy? i thought i’d be going out with him tonight, to hang out and be new friends.  but no, he disappeared. and its not the first time, for him, or in general.

and there’s no crush, my feelings aren’t hurt… its just mildly disappointing and a little confusing. i’m not really a big fan of being confused.

and i would have preferred to not add confusion to the morose.

meh.

 

 

 

Humanity

DATA, or free will?

OH man, when you start to understand even the tip of the iceberg of how much data is being collected about us, and how we are being swayed… it is actually frightening.

i’m using an archaeologist’s brush on the bones of this thing… thats how little i am digging in… and i KNOW a new level of freaked out.

and maybe its all innocent, just marketing, you know? just businesses trying to sell their wares, at its simplest…

But when i browse rotary dial phones on my phone, and then facebook decides to do the same, and instagram suddenly feels i should maybe check out these new phone sites… its all part of a mad sweep affecting my entire world.  and this one? this was an experiment.

lets talk political persuasion.  i’m liberal, all the news i see is horrified by our president. he’s crazy, he’s doom.  i’m conservative, all the news i see is horrified by the liberals. they are crazy, if they get power, they’ll lock the government down in gridlock.

 

hm.  huh.

the larger question of free will vs. data manipulation is legit.

especially as we roll into the Mecca of Mega Consumerism, otherwise known as the Birth of Jesus.

seriously, the hypocrisy of some religious folks right here is HIGH.  but aside from that.     ( i can’t claim hypocrisy on this one because my faith is only mustardseed big and i make no claims to be a true believer… there are millions of things i am hypocritical about, but not this one..)…

when the digression is bigger on the inside than the subject from which you have digressed? what then?

BUT ASIDE FROM THAT.

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this photo does not sell anything.

what do your kids want? did they see it on a commercial? did they see it in a youtube?  who sold it to them? because someone DID… directly.

i’ve been trying to learn the facebook ads system.  facebook. that which people my age look at almost daily, if they have it at all.  so, an advertiser makes note of your age, preferences, connections and shows you an ad.  if you click on it, you enter a new select group, which they can target with another series of ads… its all automated, there’s nobody looking at you as an individual… you’re just a stat.

if you’ve ever looked at a gap ad, you’re on a list… if you looked at that cool boot in the middle of your page, in that super cool green color, you’re on a list… those cool science box clubs that arrive once a month? you’re on the box club list…(i’ve seen it!)  i can target any list or demographic i want to …so so specifically…  and just show my ads to you…

imagine what i could do if i had a political persuasion and an audience receptive to my point of view.  imagine if i particularly wanted to sway them.

its been proven time and time again that ads work.

time and time.

just be careful out there friends.  what you think you want, might not be a free will decision… your data collection has commenced.

just be careful.

(if you click on MY ads, here on this blog, you’ll give me some dollars, so go ahead, leap into the fray, if you already live there….otherwise… )

 

 

You know what is absolutely AMAZING?  I wrote this the same day all of Facebook’s scandals scandalized, and was still unaware. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/16/podcasts/the-daily/facebook-zuckerberg-sandberg-russia-election-data.html?rref=collection%2Fspotlightcollection%2Fpodcasts&action=click&contentCollection=podcasts&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=1&pgtype=collection

my favorite scaryuncle boss? Took all his ads off facebook this morning…  and thats why he’s my favorite scaryuncle boss.

 

Humanity

Beauty, Circles and Fear. How’s that for heavy?

I don’t know what it is, really, but i’m obsessed with the light here. and everywhere, i suppose.  my world is pretty circumscribed. it is pretty. and circumscribed.  its a golden globe of my own devising.

circles, circles. we all walk about in our bubbles… bumping bubbles if we’re social.  bumper cars of humanity.

the fall is so beautiful it hurts my eyes sometimes.  i strain to see the color striking the leaves just so… the frost on the blades of green… everything is so golden, its changeability grabs me by the lapels and forces me to think of the past, the loss…

(lapels… snicker…)

and everytime, EVERY TIME, i remember that fall comes back. its not the last fall… this light is always here, its just waiting for its particular turn. (around the sun… i couldn’t resist it, sorry…)

I’ve got a thing for circles, complete or otherwise,

cycles…

 

Is it a symptom of age? That my circles are oblong sometimes, or bumpy? That I’m no longer driven by fear? that i see the tumble of the cycles, the certainty that things will return?  I have to believe it is… the resistance to fear being an almost practical mindset now, born from my learning curves… a surrendering more than a wall-building… let it roll on past, as it will.

and, it occurs to me, that if Beauty circles, and all the things circle back… it might be called Revolution. It just might be. and I wonder if seeing it is all that it takes…

tell me, you wise ones… how are you seeing the light where you are?  is it Capital “L” Light for you? talk to me about your cycles…

Humanity

SAHM does nothing…

Are you a STAY AT HOME MOM? Even if you work at home, school at home, whatever it is… you’re a SAHM, and proving your value is something I’ve had to do, all along, in marriage and to myself. so here it went…

 

when you have a series of dumbdays in a row, you have to start making lists of what you have accomplished. you must. because even in the midst of wasted time and boredom, shit is getting done.

so here. not in chronological order, because memory is tricky like that.

  1. moved a basketball hoop from the neighbors trash bin into my driveway, so we can have one that is not broken. and the boys are psyched, and they even played outside because of it. health! wellness! mom is so strong! FREE STUFF! VICTORY DANCE!!
  2. got an editing job, completed it, got paid.  by someone in Brazil, because the world is just wild, so wild…
  3. laundry. boy stuff.
  4. hugs, boy stuff. girl stuff.
  5. convinced the girl it was the ‘right’ day for wearing costumes to dance. sent her off with her grandmother.
  6. spent time talking to my mother about covering furniture cushions. i cannot conceive of having time or desire to do that.
  7. took a kid to soccer practice.
  8. worried about a friend.
  9. took a bath. praise be to god.
  10. washed dishes.
  11. finished an editing job, proofing a romance novel that is ‘clean’, which means its okay for conservative christians.   part of me can hardly believe that there are more than 40 of those in the entire world.  i am naive and sheltered in my liberal corner of things. but i liked the story.
  12. applied for 3 more jobs online, but it seems like i’m getting more and more now, so i actually expect replies.
  13. talked on the phone to a friend.
  14. ate a lot.
  15. made dinner spur of the moment between dance prep and soccer practice.
  16. went to a basketball tryout at 8:30 at night with a kid-in-the-wings who is usually asleep at that point.
  17. consoled a kid who was so wiped out by his efforts on the basketball court that he instantly got a headache that made him nauseous and is now still recuperating in bed, while he should be at school.