Humanity, Uncategorized

Self-Care

Good Goddamn. I am 44 years old and this is still something that I struggle with.  I have had kids for the past 13 years, and my youngest is about to be 6… no longer do i have the excuse of toddler or nurser to explain why i can’t seem to get out of my own way to do something long term or loving for myself.

the writing thing is a step towards that, but i am curious about how much of it is driven by the need to be an available parent to my kids… i think its driven by ‘self’ but i’m really certain its a mixed bag.

whats been going on lately is this big and gigantic exposure to a world i don’t know anything about.  and i’m not talking about the rope-stuff that my last dating friend shared with me. at all. don’t make me. (but i’ll whisper it to you later if you want… )

all this tech stuff, this make-an-office-stuff, this hustle for some bucks stuff… every single step of it is new… and i’m becoming more and more aware that i need to be stronger and stronger to handle it… i’m spinning… and i need to be more aware of where my feet are placed. . .

so these things:  i need new glasses.  i’ve needed a new prescription for months. MONTHS (which is a great word to say out loud, just so you know… slowly)  but i haven’t made the call… WHY?

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and in this office of mine, i’m crunching my back in a dining chair that i love, but that has no place in any office where typing takes place. none.

so this morning is my second day of headache and my first day with a really painful back… so much so that i was up in the night researching kidney infections… yes, yes i was.

it just blows my mind that i rate so low on my priority list that where i sit to do all this work, and my very vision! is something that only occurs to me once the body utterly smacks me around.

its crazy, and more care of myself is necessary to the survival of my gig, my kids being a central part of that.

SO WHAT GIVES?! Why is it so hard?? ? ?

have you found yourself there? have you solved it?

 

sidenote: i made another youtube video today… talking about this but ending in the same place as always… HERES THE VIDEO

 

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Humanity

Curiosity and self-doubt, y’all

i’ve been feeling a part of a larger community with all this woman-centered motion lately, and there’s no better expression of that than tacking a y’all onto things… its lets us know we’re all one big body of finger-licking, mistake-making, funny-looking bodies in a huge, messy pile.

spent the morning talking about the difference between credit cards and debit cards. and how you pay for the pleasure of borrowing . also told my oldest to start asking me questions about babies and sex, because people i knew were having babies at his age.  he wasn’t altogether thrilled with me.  it was very interesting. my boys and daughter are in for a wild ride with me, and i can’t help think i’m in for as much of a wild ride as they are…

been reading a novel by an online friend lately, and the main character has been reading ‘to the lighthouse’ and the whole damn thing is freaking me out.  one, anything virginia woolf is a completely mind-bending read, and its time for me to get my beaten up copy out in plain sight, again.  two, i am finding so much in it that is familiar and FAMILIAR, goddamnit.  i think i’ll be really sad to think i’m a cliche, and i am righteously on the path today….  the smart, sharp-witted, blog-writing stay at home mom, who keeps secrets from her social life…wait, what? i exist in print? FUG.

guys, i haven’t even finished it yet. anything could happen. maybe its not me. maybe i’ll win a million dollars.

sheesh, my god. its so familiar.  and i’m so impressed that my online friend has done it, put it together, molded a story and a character that is causing a reaction in me.  how amazing is that. little black squiggles on the page lead me to discomfort and challenge my self-identity and self-value.

09251814461truly, now, these things have been going on for awhile and i’m not saying that Kerry Clare’s novel, Mitzi Bytes, has sent me into a talespin all on its own merits, which are plenty.  And i am not saying I AM her main character, as i’ve  not been hiding in dumb waiters lately and anybody who wants to know can find out that i write online. i mean, anybody.

and quite a few of the people who know cannot be bothered to check it out anyhow.

why is that? if i knew someone i liked wrote every day, i’d probably go look at it, and if i liked it, i’d probably do that fairly often… but nope. hmm. huh.

different strokes.

different levels of curiosity.  like, why curious, and then curiosity? why drop the u? i’ll never know, and i’ll be driven mad each and every time i type it.

i’m so curious about people.  how their inner worlds look… if they find ways to express what is going on in there… writing is one of those things i think… also humor.. artistic expression, movement…

some people have the gift of such groundedness that they can speak their own expression.   isn’t that crazy to imagine?

if any of my kids ever write or create or express themselves, i’ll be so thrilled to get those glimpses of them… such little glimpses in… i surely hope they feel the desire to share…

Y’ALL

Y’ALL

Y’ALL …

 

love you.

 

Humanity

GUYS! i have a little work!!!

Its a job! Its temporary! Its administrative! I’m not allowed to get excited!!

antique art business equipment
Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

ugh. mofo.

but i am though.  you know i am. i am thrilled to have my brain be engaged in something besides fear and rage. (hollah us government, and, evidently, all mankind.)

so i’m typing and emailing and being asked questions that i have to find out the answers for… its great!  and the house continues to fall apart.  hmm. but work!! and money for it!! and you know, FALL! and leaves and stuff.

socks. sweaters. fires.

i’m going to be 400 pounds in all my glory soon. and this is the truth.  i’ll give a real post tomorrow, i swear, but i was remiss in posting yesterday because I was WORKING!!!

hee hee.

 

 

Uncategorized

Kavanaugh

So. here’s what i know. i know super-high functioning people under the influence.

my son and i sat and watched kavanaugh and literally picked out details of his face and speech that we recognized as “under the influence. ”

WHAT THE FUCK?

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

man person face portrait
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I don’t know what to say to anyone. I mean, if his behavior during the interview could stand alone, it should disqualify him.

and what the FUCKING hell is wrong with men? and ME? that i STILL think SOMEONE ELSE has to stand up for me?!

I certainly thought it during my marriage. and he didn’t.  but i still thought it.

 

WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO?

 

 

Humanity

SICK, and tired . . .

is there a coincidence in the use of that phrase?

everyone who is sick, is by nature of sickness, also tired.

but when we are fed up, we are also SICK AND TIRED.

what is that? and what is FED UP?

food? food has done this to us?  no, of course, no.

but what then?

 

both zesty and pithy.

sorry its so short. i’m sick. and tired.

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