Humanity

Beauty, Circles and Fear. How’s that for heavy?

I don’t know what it is, really, but i’m obsessed with the light here. and everywhere, i suppose.  my world is pretty circumscribed. it is pretty. and circumscribed.  its a golden globe of my own devising.

circles, circles. we all walk about in our bubbles… bumping bubbles if we’re social.  bumper cars of humanity.

the fall is so beautiful it hurts my eyes sometimes.  i strain to see the color striking the leaves just so… the frost on the blades of green… everything is so golden, its changeability grabs me by the lapels and forces me to think of the past, the loss…

(lapels… snicker…)

and everytime, EVERY TIME, i remember that fall comes back. its not the last fall… this light is always here, its just waiting for its particular turn. (around the sun… i couldn’t resist it, sorry…)

I’ve got a thing for circles, complete or otherwise,

cycles…

 

Is it a symptom of age? That my circles are oblong sometimes, or bumpy? That I’m no longer driven by fear? that i see the tumble of the cycles, the certainty that things will return?  I have to believe it is… the resistance to fear being an almost practical mindset now, born from my learning curves… a surrendering more than a wall-building… let it roll on past, as it will.

and, it occurs to me, that if Beauty circles, and all the things circle back… it might be called Revolution. It just might be. and I wonder if seeing it is all that it takes…

tell me, you wise ones… how are you seeing the light where you are?  is it Capital “L” Light for you? talk to me about your cycles…

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Humanity

SAHM does nothing…

Are you a STAY AT HOME MOM? Even if you work at home, school at home, whatever it is… you’re a SAHM, and proving your value is something I’ve had to do, all along, in marriage and to myself. so here it went…

 

when you have a series of dumbdays in a row, you have to start making lists of what you have accomplished. you must. because even in the midst of wasted time and boredom, shit is getting done.

so here. not in chronological order, because memory is tricky like that.

  1. moved a basketball hoop from the neighbors trash bin into my driveway, so we can have one that is not broken. and the boys are psyched, and they even played outside because of it. health! wellness! mom is so strong! FREE STUFF! VICTORY DANCE!!
  2. got an editing job, completed it, got paid.  by someone in Brazil, because the world is just wild, so wild…
  3. laundry. boy stuff.
  4. hugs, boy stuff. girl stuff.
  5. convinced the girl it was the ‘right’ day for wearing costumes to dance. sent her off with her grandmother.
  6. spent time talking to my mother about covering furniture cushions. i cannot conceive of having time or desire to do that.
  7. took a kid to soccer practice.
  8. worried about a friend.
  9. took a bath. praise be to god.
  10. washed dishes.
  11. finished an editing job, proofing a romance novel that is ‘clean’, which means its okay for conservative christians.   part of me can hardly believe that there are more than 40 of those in the entire world.  i am naive and sheltered in my liberal corner of things. but i liked the story.
  12. applied for 3 more jobs online, but it seems like i’m getting more and more now, so i actually expect replies.
  13. talked on the phone to a friend.
  14. ate a lot.
  15. made dinner spur of the moment between dance prep and soccer practice.
  16. went to a basketball tryout at 8:30 at night with a kid-in-the-wings who is usually asleep at that point.
  17. consoled a kid who was so wiped out by his efforts on the basketball court that he instantly got a headache that made him nauseous and is now still recuperating in bed, while he should be at school.
Humanity

Googly eyes.

I got new glasses, which hurt my eyes. I’ve had to be tested in 4000 ways for glaucoma, which frankly, i probably just have … but you know, they can’t be certain til they give me another 40,000 K in tests. its so crazy that we’ve ever allowed medicine to be set up this way.

its not that Americans are dumb, really…. but i think its a sign of naivete, our relative youth as a country, that we are allowing our ‘democratic’ ways to be overrun by people that we ‘salt of the earths’ think have some sort of winning knowledge about. like, we’ve bought into the system that the wealthy are somehow better at living than the rest of us…that they’ve done something more right…. and so we have been letting them make a whole lot of decisions for a whole long time.

person wearing eyeglasses
Photo by Pexen Design on Pexels.com

and part of the truth of my aching eyes and the 4000 tests that i resent is that I am aging out of this blind trust.  I’m getting suspicious, and have been for more than a few years.  I suspect that the ‘leaders’ have made themselves a little paradise, and not made a single decision for their constituents, possibly ever.

and so this age, and this testing…

we’re all aging out of our blindtrust.  and its sad to see our youth go…

and then resolve sets in.

get your vigilant on.

Humanity, Uncategorized

Self-Care

Good Goddamn. I am 44 years old and this is still something that I struggle with.  I have had kids for the past 13 years, and my youngest is about to be 6… no longer do i have the excuse of toddler or nurser to explain why i can’t seem to get out of my own way to do something long term or loving for myself.

the writing thing is a step towards that, but i am curious about how much of it is driven by the need to be an available parent to my kids… i think its driven by ‘self’ but i’m really certain its a mixed bag.

whats been going on lately is this big and gigantic exposure to a world i don’t know anything about.  and i’m not talking about the rope-stuff that my last dating friend shared with me. at all. don’t make me. (but i’ll whisper it to you later if you want… )

all this tech stuff, this make-an-office-stuff, this hustle for some bucks stuff… every single step of it is new… and i’m becoming more and more aware that i need to be stronger and stronger to handle it… i’m spinning… and i need to be more aware of where my feet are placed. . .

so these things:  i need new glasses.  i’ve needed a new prescription for months. MONTHS (which is a great word to say out loud, just so you know… slowly)  but i haven’t made the call… WHY?

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and in this office of mine, i’m crunching my back in a dining chair that i love, but that has no place in any office where typing takes place. none.

so this morning is my second day of headache and my first day with a really painful back… so much so that i was up in the night researching kidney infections… yes, yes i was.

it just blows my mind that i rate so low on my priority list that where i sit to do all this work, and my very vision! is something that only occurs to me once the body utterly smacks me around.

its crazy, and more care of myself is necessary to the survival of my gig, my kids being a central part of that.

SO WHAT GIVES?! Why is it so hard?? ? ?

have you found yourself there? have you solved it?

 

sidenote: i made another youtube video today… talking about this but ending in the same place as always… HERES THE VIDEO

 

Humanity

Curiosity and self-doubt, y’all

i’ve been feeling a part of a larger community with all this woman-centered motion lately, and there’s no better expression of that than tacking a y’all onto things… its lets us know we’re all one big body of finger-licking, mistake-making, funny-looking bodies in a huge, messy pile.

spent the morning talking about the difference between credit cards and debit cards. and how you pay for the pleasure of borrowing . also told my oldest to start asking me questions about babies and sex, because people i knew were having babies at his age.  he wasn’t altogether thrilled with me.  it was very interesting. my boys and daughter are in for a wild ride with me, and i can’t help think i’m in for as much of a wild ride as they are…

been reading a novel by an online friend lately, and the main character has been reading ‘to the lighthouse’ and the whole damn thing is freaking me out.  one, anything virginia woolf is a completely mind-bending read, and its time for me to get my beaten up copy out in plain sight, again.  two, i am finding so much in it that is familiar and FAMILIAR, goddamnit.  i think i’ll be really sad to think i’m a cliche, and i am righteously on the path today….  the smart, sharp-witted, blog-writing stay at home mom, who keeps secrets from her social life…wait, what? i exist in print? FUG.

guys, i haven’t even finished it yet. anything could happen. maybe its not me. maybe i’ll win a million dollars.

sheesh, my god. its so familiar.  and i’m so impressed that my online friend has done it, put it together, molded a story and a character that is causing a reaction in me.  how amazing is that. little black squiggles on the page lead me to discomfort and challenge my self-identity and self-value.

09251814461truly, now, these things have been going on for awhile and i’m not saying that Kerry Clare’s novel, Mitzi Bytes, has sent me into a talespin all on its own merits, which are plenty.  And i am not saying I AM her main character, as i’ve  not been hiding in dumb waiters lately and anybody who wants to know can find out that i write online. i mean, anybody.

and quite a few of the people who know cannot be bothered to check it out anyhow.

why is that? if i knew someone i liked wrote every day, i’d probably go look at it, and if i liked it, i’d probably do that fairly often… but nope. hmm. huh.

different strokes.

different levels of curiosity.  like, why curious, and then curiosity? why drop the u? i’ll never know, and i’ll be driven mad each and every time i type it.

i’m so curious about people.  how their inner worlds look… if they find ways to express what is going on in there… writing is one of those things i think… also humor.. artistic expression, movement…

some people have the gift of such groundedness that they can speak their own expression.   isn’t that crazy to imagine?

if any of my kids ever write or create or express themselves, i’ll be so thrilled to get those glimpses of them… such little glimpses in… i surely hope they feel the desire to share…

Y’ALL

Y’ALL

Y’ALL …

 

love you.