Humanity

Its always there though.

and ultimately, we, who are as important as the trees, we just need to open up to it.

I wrote this in response to a gorgeous list my friend Heather made, of what she needs to be in the beauty of her moments…have since added and expanded… like Heather’s babe in belly… swelling in potential every day…

What do I need to be receptive to the beauty around me?

*ground..dirt and warmth of sunlight…

*quiet, strainfree time to ‘not listen’ but just be…

*affirmation..

*hands at the small of my back, of any size, age or gender…

*variety…of color,shape, texture, action…

*green… proof of something growing and changing…

*my people…my kids, my laugh-makers…

*bare hardwood floors…

*words, fluid…

*breath…

*schedulefree time…

*a story I can’t wait to get back to…

*someone to check on me…

*windy days, to remind me how connected I am to whats happening out there….

*curiosity about some distinct thing, a man, an issue, a color…

*a list.

 

 

Heather has a group she’s starting once she has her babe in arms, and once I check in with her that she wants it broadcast further, I’ll tell you about it.  I imagine being in her arms for a group would feel like coming home.  Its called Tether and Tend... which just makes me want to roll around on velvet.

 

red and orange maple leaves on tree
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Humanity

SAHM does nothing…

Are you a STAY AT HOME MOM? Even if you work at home, school at home, whatever it is… you’re a SAHM, and proving your value is something I’ve had to do, all along, in marriage and to myself. so here it went…

 

when you have a series of dumbdays in a row, you have to start making lists of what you have accomplished. you must. because even in the midst of wasted time and boredom, shit is getting done.

so here. not in chronological order, because memory is tricky like that.

  1. moved a basketball hoop from the neighbors trash bin into my driveway, so we can have one that is not broken. and the boys are psyched, and they even played outside because of it. health! wellness! mom is so strong! FREE STUFF! VICTORY DANCE!!
  2. got an editing job, completed it, got paid.  by someone in Brazil, because the world is just wild, so wild…
  3. laundry. boy stuff.
  4. hugs, boy stuff. girl stuff.
  5. convinced the girl it was the ‘right’ day for wearing costumes to dance. sent her off with her grandmother.
  6. spent time talking to my mother about covering furniture cushions. i cannot conceive of having time or desire to do that.
  7. took a kid to soccer practice.
  8. worried about a friend.
  9. took a bath. praise be to god.
  10. washed dishes.
  11. finished an editing job, proofing a romance novel that is ‘clean’, which means its okay for conservative christians.   part of me can hardly believe that there are more than 40 of those in the entire world.  i am naive and sheltered in my liberal corner of things. but i liked the story.
  12. applied for 3 more jobs online, but it seems like i’m getting more and more now, so i actually expect replies.
  13. talked on the phone to a friend.
  14. ate a lot.
  15. made dinner spur of the moment between dance prep and soccer practice.
  16. went to a basketball tryout at 8:30 at night with a kid-in-the-wings who is usually asleep at that point.
  17. consoled a kid who was so wiped out by his efforts on the basketball court that he instantly got a headache that made him nauseous and is now still recuperating in bed, while he should be at school.
Humanity

Valuable things.

So, valuable things to share.

*my kid got the lead in the school play! the lead. STAR. (he deserves it too, this is one of his callings. it will be his first time on stage. )  Mom has giant wide eyes of fear and trepidation and wild, wild curiosity.

call me ‘zac efron’s mother’ from now on, because i need to have more reasons to go to therapy.

*i turned the heat on in october. this means all of my New England ancestors will rise up and shoot me when I arrive at the Pearly Gates.  sigh. Happy Ending? again?

* I got an entire set of furniture this weekend, a sofa, a loveseat and a chair w ottoman.  they all match each other. they look brand spanking new. they aren’t.  …. they are neutral in color. i feel like an old, old woman.  NEUTRALS?!   Matching furniture? All i had to pay was the cost of moving them from one house to another. and tips, I paid tips to the movers.  1021181146

(i hired movers because i am not in college, and my kids are not yet bulky teens, and moving furniture by yourself means you break something, furniture or body, and i value both, turns out. )

*had lovely company this weekend. so i feel all grounded and present in my body. shoot man, if they could pill that up… i’d definitely be a pill popper.

( i think i wrote that whole sentence just to be able to write pill popper. its a true sentence, but pill popper is even fun to type, but saying it is something i do even when i’m by myself… i imagine i’d be fun to secretly video, i am for sure a weirdo.)

*i got another job, one that i am actually qualified to do! So now I can honestly say that I am a proofreader and editor.  Aside from being Zac Efron’s mother, I think this might be my biggest achievement this year. really.  and its stuck down here at the end, like drippings.  oh man, though, its big.  BIG.

 

Humanity, Uncategorized

Self-Care

Good Goddamn. I am 44 years old and this is still something that I struggle with.  I have had kids for the past 13 years, and my youngest is about to be 6… no longer do i have the excuse of toddler or nurser to explain why i can’t seem to get out of my own way to do something long term or loving for myself.

the writing thing is a step towards that, but i am curious about how much of it is driven by the need to be an available parent to my kids… i think its driven by ‘self’ but i’m really certain its a mixed bag.

whats been going on lately is this big and gigantic exposure to a world i don’t know anything about.  and i’m not talking about the rope-stuff that my last dating friend shared with me. at all. don’t make me. (but i’ll whisper it to you later if you want… )

all this tech stuff, this make-an-office-stuff, this hustle for some bucks stuff… every single step of it is new… and i’m becoming more and more aware that i need to be stronger and stronger to handle it… i’m spinning… and i need to be more aware of where my feet are placed. . .

so these things:  i need new glasses.  i’ve needed a new prescription for months. MONTHS (which is a great word to say out loud, just so you know… slowly)  but i haven’t made the call… WHY?

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and in this office of mine, i’m crunching my back in a dining chair that i love, but that has no place in any office where typing takes place. none.

so this morning is my second day of headache and my first day with a really painful back… so much so that i was up in the night researching kidney infections… yes, yes i was.

it just blows my mind that i rate so low on my priority list that where i sit to do all this work, and my very vision! is something that only occurs to me once the body utterly smacks me around.

its crazy, and more care of myself is necessary to the survival of my gig, my kids being a central part of that.

SO WHAT GIVES?! Why is it so hard?? ? ?

have you found yourself there? have you solved it?

 

sidenote: i made another youtube video today… talking about this but ending in the same place as always… HERES THE VIDEO

 

Humanity, Uncategorized

Messing About

….and making a mess..

one of the things i’m trying to do is make this place a more ‘bonified’ site. which of course is ridiculous as i have less than 30 readers currently. ! but i love my 30 readers so i’ve got to apologize for any whack that comes through in the meantime.

an empty shop, new analytics programs, ads, twitter, the national political game…oh my gawd, blaghblah… all things i’m trying to add in to my worldview and i am currently in the overwhelmed-by-change stage of my Monday morning.  hopefully the words will still come through all the streamers hanging from the ceiling… I’m just not at all sure that all the things are connected and i really need a goddamned mentor who can tell me what the hell is going on.

because i no longer know.

feet legs animal farm
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its not that unfamiliar a place for me, frankly.  right? i mean, certainly politically the past few years have been pretty damn volatile, and the whole world is off kilter, somehow.

people are mean, and small, and i don’t think i’ve ever settled on that as firmly as i am today.

but i’m curious about tomorrow. and November.

and i wonder if all this will be old-hat for me at some point.

there is this sense of arrival that i’m waiting for… not yet, not yet, the wind is whispering…

my curiosity is piqued… my overwhelm is high, but i’m hanging in…

urgh.

y’all.

hang in there, all of us…