- Started out thinking I’d write to the men of the world who want to date women in their 40s. Then I realized I don’t give a shit. If you don’t already know? Why would I want to be your teacher? I’m tired, man.
- Started a craft project with my eight year old and then got distracted by eating my lunch. I am in deep shit. glue and foam of some kind.
- Started with one bowl of mashed potatoes and the last bits of the mushrooms. Got carried away. Two bowls, one with stuffing. Thanksgiving just keeps on giving.
- Started and finished putting up the lights in the yard. Way more didn’t light than I expected but that pile will stay on the porch through the winter, irritating me until one by one i fix them. I most likely will fix them. I might fix them.
- Started reading my book again, The Lost Queen, and realized I’m approaching the end. Glad I overreacted to book boredom and bought the second one when I bought the first. I’m okay with finishing when the next is close at hand.
- Started saying ‘what the heck’ instead of what the fuck with my kids. Its only at a 50% success rate. I think maybe I’ve gone too far to the dark side.
- Started (again) trying to recognize that being nice does not always serve me. People who are trying to manipulate my emotions for no flipping purpose sometimes have me twisted in knots trying to figure out how to still be nice, when, in fact, I should kick them in the face and be done with it.
- Starting to acknowledge the depth to which my resistance goes. Did you ever see the movie ‘Secretary’? It is a tour de force of submissive-dominant relationships (not necessarily a healthy one of those). I see all the power lying in her, in her refusal. And I think there is some of that in me. But the things I am refusing are not meant to be refused. Forward motion, release, striving, competition. exercise. These. Sigh. What the fuck.
- I’m starting to clean random areas, like we all did at the beginning of this. Oh? You think I should sort the napkin drawer? Oh? Lets just clean out the ornaments now? This one? So long. Sentiment be damned. If I am the only carrier of the sentiment, can’t I get a reprieve? Lighten up the damn season. Lighten up the house. Remove some of the weight on the foundation.
- Starting to wonder what I’ll do in December. Will I keep writing? Should I ? I have really liked the feeling of connection I’ve gotten from it. I’m proud I’ve finally done a month. (if i miss tomorrow you can just call me a turkey and move past it.)
- have loved doing it this month. really.
- what are you starting up?
I don’t know what to write. Its like being speechless.
Stumbling on anyhow.
On my last legs. (ha. not really.)
- I am stumped, its true. I don’t know what to write and I’m clearly not doing a thorough job. Or am I ? But like everyone else, I am freaking starved for communication so I will freaking drag my ass through the desert to the watering hole. You dig?
- After a solid decade of trying to complete an entire month of writing here, I think I’m going to do it for the first time. We will see. You know I may have just jinxed myself in a bad way.
- A woman named Anna Lovind runs a class called the Creative Doer and its awesome and you should do it if you feel at all inclined to the creative or the dream following. At least go look.
- My moods are wildly in flux right now. I think I’m due for my menstrual cycle soon, because it is wild to try to swim through this. I put up the lights on the porch to begin the season of lights against the night, and went through some serious rage to be doing it by myself. serious rage. at my ex. at the men who have not appeared. at myself. at God. And then some tears and gut-wrenching sadness and I sent some texts of self-deprecation and braggadocio. oh man. the lights are up in their mismatched glory. not in a cute way either. there’s no shabby chic about it. BUT LIGHTS UP, and THE DARKNESS!! and i have to be satisfied or I’ll be bothered until the fuses blow.
- I’m working through things in my dreams I think, because I’m still having ex show up. Its a weird unreality as he’s more real in my dreams than he is in person. And look at that sentence, right? How strange is that? I think it makes a lot of sense when I think about assigning an object all the weight of the world, in order to relieve some of the stress i carry. (now and always I recognize my luck in that my stresses are of the extreme privilege kind.)
- I thought about doing an entire post on green, the greens i can see from here, the greens i don’t want to eat, the greens of the winter season, the swag for the door my mom and I made on Thanksgiving. And then I got distracted by my own random capitalization problem. so there.
- My first kid just got up and its almost 9 o’clock in the morning. This is a very early Christmas miracle. Oh my god, another one. its like dominos.
- I’m teaching all three kids how to do their own laundry today. The eldest already knows but its time for some of the mountains to be moved, and not by me. This is what happens on ‘mom weekends’ and whooopeee.
- I’m also keeping them busy with chores. Its Saturday and I’m channeling my father. Hopefully I will not break down into rage and everything will get done. I am keeping my standards very low. And yes, they’ve always done chores, but this is a concentrated morning of work, because its a rare day that I do not have work and they do not have a single sports event of any kind. Happy Thanksgiving kids, grab a broom.
- It took me ages to get here to #10. I have no idea what to put in here and one laundry lesson is chugging away merrily already. I’ve suggested a porn site to a friend and I’m eating a cinnamon raisin bagel. rotund.
Sigh. sometimes I just have to offload the brain’s extra materials, and today it wound up here. What do you get filled up with?
What have you learned this week?
- My mom likes me, doesn’t always get me but loves me anyhow.
- Sometimes i am too quick.
- You CAN eat too many mushrooms.
- Its hard to stay up til midnight waiting to see if you can get a ps5. I don’t have the stamina and I don’t care and $500 is a fuckton of money for videogames. He’s going to get a blanket and and IOU for Christmas. Are people really nonchalant about $500? I’m not feeling nonchalant and I’m glad I couldn’t find it, but don’t tell him. I’d be happy to spread the cost out over another month. I’m not proud of this sharing, as I think I basically don’t want to buy this thing, and am anyhow. This is complicated and look how stupidly lucky I am to hem and haw over it.
- I need help this Christmas. Not with money, but with thought. The kids will have significantly less under the tree because we will have no guests, and so the mom in me is trying hard to envision ways to make it special. They have an unwrapping day at their dads the day before, so I’m already playing catchup and fill in the blanks here. I’m feeling overly ‘singlemom’ about this. How do I make magic??
- Every year I kindof think I will do something on Black Friday but every year I stay in my pajamas. and this year? Jesus. of course I’m home.
- Christmas crackers? Those British cylinders of goodness that whacko Americans are co-opting for some holiday pleasure? They are called crackers because they make noise. Deafie here never knew. Always wondered but never knew. Learning curves are dizzying.
- Pajamas with the addition of my apple dress for warmth mean I look entirely nutso. I think I’m going to go hang out on the porch with a martini glass and just shoot the shit with the birds. Glass will be empty because I don’t really drink and my god, its the morning, and really, martinis have made me vomit in the past. I just want to entertain the neighbors driving by. I’m generous like that.
- I can’t always access my inner life. Like, that golden bit in the middle? I’m working on it, honestly, but half-heartedly at the same time, because it can be overwhelming to be in touch with it. Burning bush, right? Doesn’t actually sound that appealing, does it?
- I love puzzles. I do. I forget they exist, all the time, even when the puzzle table is just three feet away. But when I remember them, I have to fight myself not to do them all in one sitting. This one, currently, is my littlest’s, and finishing it would be flat-out cruel. But I want to, and I’m perseverating on it. Damn devil of a thing.
Thats all, these are the things I am learning, have learned, am in the process of sharing, with you, who are also learning.
Sigh. What have you learned, my troops? What have you learned today, this week?
Thanksgiving Day 2020
I know we’re all (hopefully) doing something really pared down this year.
It hasn’t changed what is yummy for me, though I am going to miss some cranberry bread and some yeasty rolls that my aunts bring on the weekend after. I will take solace in the three pounds I do not gain, kindof. So here we go. Feel free not to read on if you don’t love the foods. Though I might judge you for it.
- Stuffing. Better than all the rest. Scoop it out, toss the bird.
- Gravy. MMM. on everything.
- My mom makes these mushrooms that she’s doing today, just for the two of us, that are so gluttonous and incredible, I cannot even tell you. This will make up for the three pounds I will not gain on Saturday, because I do not predict leftovers now that I don’t have to be conscious of sharing. By the way, leftovers are enjoyed with poached eggs for breakfast the next day. Its the most heavenly ever. Seriously, saliva is pouring out of my face.
- Gingerbread pudding. Yep. I haven’t even tried it yet but I know I’m going to have a hot cup of coffee around 5, with a dollop of gingerbread pudding, maybe with real whipped cream on top. This will crown the day. Don’t need no damn pie.
- I’m not a drinker, but I will sip some portuguese port by a fire with my mom today. This will be savored. She’ll bring out the little glasses. Once a year baby.
- There will be rainbow carrots from my farm, which I am so pleased about. I love being able to take a gift from one loved one to another. This is the bounty.
- I’m in charge of mashed potatoes once the bird comes out all roasty goodness. I add sour cream and butter and garlic salt. You? Its frigging fantastic. The stuffing, the gravy, all adding up to a perfect bite.
- There will be black olives on the table. Because of that time I was little, and hiding under the table and managing to eat an entire dish of them. And I still love them. There is so much history in this day. so much. new and old.
- I’ve texted my kids already this morning. This is a little bit weird, but I’m thankful its not the first time I’m away from them, because that would not be manageable this year, I don’t think. Though I’ve managed everything so far, so maybe I’d have been fine. But THANKFULLY, I didn’t have to find out. hmm. crisp clear water. yes, I’m thankful for it. Its the best of the palate cleansers.
- We went small, clearly, so there are only two cheeses on our appetizer plate and therein lies the three pounds, which I am so happy about. Oh man. I’m drooling already and I’m 10 miles and an hour away from its beginning.
Hoping to watch Singing in the Rain today. We shall see. Love to you all. I’m pretty thankful that I’ve got this forum to share in, and I’m thankful anytime anyone reads it. I really am.
Ghosts. What do you carry with you?
- I’ve made the cardinal into the symbol of my dad, or he has, I’m not sure. But it stands; when I see one, I remember him. There is a cardinal couple who live in my yard, so I see them often, though often in unexpected places. He was a good dad, human, with flaws that were visible. When I remember him, I am helped, in whatever I am doing. I feel comforted. This is a very good ghost to have.
- I’ve been having anxiety dreams about my old marriage. I’m waking up thinking of bad times and its not a whole lot of fun. ‘Tis the season. (not a great ghost.)
- Along with the anxiety dreams, my brain has been tripping on old conversations. I don’t entirely understand it, as it is one-sided, clearly, and I have absolutely no interest in engaging ever on these subjects again. Past is past. Is a ghost sucking the life out of me? For those minutes, yes.
- I’ve got to deliver a turkey to my mom this morning, so she can get it ready for tomorrow. It will just be the two of us, and thats allright. My kids are with their dad, and thats allright. But I tell you, if I see pictures on social media of large family gatherings, my feelings will not be allright.
- Ghosts are heavy. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Heavy. Lay them down. Don’t carry anything but your own damn self. Past is past. Shake it off. Dance to the fucking pop song.
I’m out. five is all i can do today, and i’m going to lay it down. boom.