Humanity, Uncategorized

Self-Care

Good Goddamn. I am 44 years old and this is still something that I struggle with.  I have had kids for the past 13 years, and my youngest is about to be 6… no longer do i have the excuse of toddler or nurser to explain why i can’t seem to get out of my own way to do something long term or loving for myself.

the writing thing is a step towards that, but i am curious about how much of it is driven by the need to be an available parent to my kids… i think its driven by ‘self’ but i’m really certain its a mixed bag.

whats been going on lately is this big and gigantic exposure to a world i don’t know anything about.  and i’m not talking about the rope-stuff that my last dating friend shared with me. at all. don’t make me. (but i’ll whisper it to you later if you want… )

all this tech stuff, this make-an-office-stuff, this hustle for some bucks stuff… every single step of it is new… and i’m becoming more and more aware that i need to be stronger and stronger to handle it… i’m spinning… and i need to be more aware of where my feet are placed. . .

so these things:  i need new glasses.  i’ve needed a new prescription for months. MONTHS (which is a great word to say out loud, just so you know… slowly)  but i haven’t made the call… WHY?

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and in this office of mine, i’m crunching my back in a dining chair that i love, but that has no place in any office where typing takes place. none.

so this morning is my second day of headache and my first day with a really painful back… so much so that i was up in the night researching kidney infections… yes, yes i was.

it just blows my mind that i rate so low on my priority list that where i sit to do all this work, and my very vision! is something that only occurs to me once the body utterly smacks me around.

its crazy, and more care of myself is necessary to the survival of my gig, my kids being a central part of that.

SO WHAT GIVES?! Why is it so hard?? ? ?

have you found yourself there? have you solved it?

 

sidenote: i made another youtube video today… talking about this but ending in the same place as always… HERES THE VIDEO

 

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Humanity, Uncategorized

Messing About

….and making a mess..

one of the things i’m trying to do is make this place a more ‘bonified’ site. which of course is ridiculous as i have less than 30 readers currently. ! but i love my 30 readers so i’ve got to apologize for any whack that comes through in the meantime.

an empty shop, new analytics programs, ads, twitter, the national political game…oh my gawd, blaghblah… all things i’m trying to add in to my worldview and i am currently in the overwhelmed-by-change stage of my Monday morning.  hopefully the words will still come through all the streamers hanging from the ceiling… I’m just not at all sure that all the things are connected and i really need a goddamned mentor who can tell me what the hell is going on.

because i no longer know.

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Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

its not that unfamiliar a place for me, frankly.  right? i mean, certainly politically the past few years have been pretty damn volatile, and the whole world is off kilter, somehow.

people are mean, and small, and i don’t think i’ve ever settled on that as firmly as i am today.

but i’m curious about tomorrow. and November.

and i wonder if all this will be old-hat for me at some point.

there is this sense of arrival that i’m waiting for… not yet, not yet, the wind is whispering…

my curiosity is piqued… my overwhelm is high, but i’m hanging in…

urgh.

y’all.

hang in there, all of us…

Humanity, Uncategorized

Venturing into YOUTUBE

OH my god, you guys. this was hysterical, and mostly because i had to do that schpiel like four times, because first i used my laptop camera, which, evidently, doesn’t share to anywhere. so, second go… dog barks, in my face, halfway through. third go, its on instagram but i don’t really want it on instagram… and number four, Phone.

is that not amazing? that my lil’ bitty phone is the most reliable and easy to use of all the tech i am surrounded by? i think its amazing.  maybe even a little daunting, and i should probably treat it better.

anyways, here it is… my very first youtube video…

Humanity, Uncategorized

What’s the point?

Whats the point of blogging? Why do we do it? Why do we read it?  If I’m imagining that people who read here are essentially other women bloggers… what are we doing?

what about dad bloggers? is that a thing? is there no fun acronym for you? SEAL… Secretive Educated And Literate?  thats lame… Nachoaveragedad? n.a.d.?

i don’t just read parents, of course. i like to read book reviews, and national geographic type educational worldviews, etc. I haven’t really figured out the wordpress way to gather the things i read together to share, it seems the preference is geared towards wordpress-hosted sites, and i haven’t been here long enough to be firmly kitted out.

I’m still being influenced by Kerry’s book, obviously to me.  Her blog is over at PickleMeThis… wicked smart and often bookish… said lovingly.

I’m sort of making it a goal to share people and places I like a lot more often. Last week it was Hannah and now we have Kerry. I smile because of them. and think. millions of dollars, that is worth…

i think i know, for myself, that i’m seeking connections here, that i’m practicing my practice of daily writing, and that i’m trying to sort things out.  and why a public practice?  I don’t really know, and perhaps I am further cliched in being a sign of my times… needing the responsiveness of the universe.  even when i’m not getting comments, i’m getting emails, and mailings and so forth…

I’m always curious how other people do it.  How does Kerry walk around between readings? How does she have time for all those books?  How does Hannah walk around between coaching sessions? How does she handle her own one wild life?

I certainly don’t know how i handle my one wild life.  I’m in it, slogging and staring out the window, feeling scared and overwhelmed, brittle and supple at times, sexy and manky all at once. all the things, all the things.  a multitude.

all the things i feel are allowed here, organized or not. and i am really grateful that i’ve had the outlet. in my marriage it was a secret code to share my unhappiness and i’m not even sure i completely understood how much I needed it.

1004180811_hdrand now? CONNECTION .

so, there is more, there is always more. and i’m going to think it and feel it and and you’ll see it as i work through it… because its a connection…

Y’all.

smiling..

kate

Humanity

Curiosity and self-doubt, y’all

i’ve been feeling a part of a larger community with all this woman-centered motion lately, and there’s no better expression of that than tacking a y’all onto things… its lets us know we’re all one big body of finger-licking, mistake-making, funny-looking bodies in a huge, messy pile.

spent the morning talking about the difference between credit cards and debit cards. and how you pay for the pleasure of borrowing . also told my oldest to start asking me questions about babies and sex, because people i knew were having babies at his age.  he wasn’t altogether thrilled with me.  it was very interesting. my boys and daughter are in for a wild ride with me, and i can’t help think i’m in for as much of a wild ride as they are…

been reading a novel by an online friend lately, and the main character has been reading ‘to the lighthouse’ and the whole damn thing is freaking me out.  one, anything virginia woolf is a completely mind-bending read, and its time for me to get my beaten up copy out in plain sight, again.  two, i am finding so much in it that is familiar and FAMILIAR, goddamnit.  i think i’ll be really sad to think i’m a cliche, and i am righteously on the path today….  the smart, sharp-witted, blog-writing stay at home mom, who keeps secrets from her social life…wait, what? i exist in print? FUG.

guys, i haven’t even finished it yet. anything could happen. maybe its not me. maybe i’ll win a million dollars.

sheesh, my god. its so familiar.  and i’m so impressed that my online friend has done it, put it together, molded a story and a character that is causing a reaction in me.  how amazing is that. little black squiggles on the page lead me to discomfort and challenge my self-identity and self-value.

09251814461truly, now, these things have been going on for awhile and i’m not saying that Kerry Clare’s novel, Mitzi Bytes, has sent me into a talespin all on its own merits, which are plenty.  And i am not saying I AM her main character, as i’ve  not been hiding in dumb waiters lately and anybody who wants to know can find out that i write online. i mean, anybody.

and quite a few of the people who know cannot be bothered to check it out anyhow.

why is that? if i knew someone i liked wrote every day, i’d probably go look at it, and if i liked it, i’d probably do that fairly often… but nope. hmm. huh.

different strokes.

different levels of curiosity.  like, why curious, and then curiosity? why drop the u? i’ll never know, and i’ll be driven mad each and every time i type it.

i’m so curious about people.  how their inner worlds look… if they find ways to express what is going on in there… writing is one of those things i think… also humor.. artistic expression, movement…

some people have the gift of such groundedness that they can speak their own expression.   isn’t that crazy to imagine?

if any of my kids ever write or create or express themselves, i’ll be so thrilled to get those glimpses of them… such little glimpses in… i surely hope they feel the desire to share…

Y’ALL

Y’ALL

Y’ALL …

 

love you.