Humanity

Nets. Weaves. Catching on. Snag. damn. again with the unfriendly-seo titles…

There is all this meshing going on… i’m having to blend aspects of myself into a sort of support sling and i’m no knitter and perhaps the weave will be strongest anyhow…

i’m in process on this one so bear with me.

new man is bringing up a lot of old traumas that i’m having to work through. turns out i’m not done with being fearful of being lied to… SO not done.

turns out some people just tell truth.  wtf. you don’t have to figure out what they MEAN? shoot. makes everything so much easier… and theres so much more time in a day…

i’m trying to come up with a ‘guiding question’ to fulfill a prompt, and i’ve now delayed the writing by about a week… and i’m supposed to think about ‘intention’ today and i’m trying to dream about a future wherein i can feel the feels and not run screaming into the woods or into the goddamned wall. (this pertains to both man and to work, which is horribly in flux right now…) and how the hell does one plan a dream?

if i apply all this questioning to the ‘plan’ for the future, the next year of myself as business?  what sort of mental gymnastics must i do?  is there a way to make this all easier? how do i get to some sort of truthtelling of myself ? to myself?

i’m no mystic on the mountainside, or even in a nice comfy cottage… i don’t know anyone who has got it all figured out, to ask about it.  sometimes i dream of asking my grammie, but i think she was too no-nonsense to deal with this sort of thing. and maybe there is something in that. life is the same, whether you inspect it or not… right?

is that a road i really want to travel on? hm. its pretty close to ‘it is what it is’… which is possibly the most unsatisfying thing ever. and no matter how intellectually i attack it, i’m just not sure i truly believe in it.  IS IT ? IS THIS REALLY THE WAY IT IS? REALLY?

I choose dreamy watercolor puddles. Colors in a pile. unplanned moments.

whats my walking prayer? whats my intention in my step? whats my guiding question? what do i catch in my net when i lay it all down?

US- Canada border. Stop Arret sign... Unwifedmotherexpletive
STOP? ARRET? FERME? CLOSED? oh really? I drove right through. . . perspective is everything.

i wish i had some pat answer that would be a viral meme. because. hello. i need money and ad-clicking.

but i don’t have a viral meme in me.  I wonder about curiosity and openheartedness… how i can keep them more …before me as i step…

wonder about what is… don’t allow fear to send me to the wall… just keep prying my heart back open every time it shutters. (shudders) .. which, if you are human, can hurt a whole lot and is pretty hard to do the 32nd time it happens…

sigh.  work in process. progress?

whatever.

love you…

kate

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Humanity

Fluttergaze and a shotgun.

i spent the weekend with an infant and i watched him gaze and then look away and then go back to gazing…

and i do that, all the time… so much the gaze, the introspection, the focus … The Startle:  then i can’t handle it and need to withdraw in a figurative bubble to repair.  its as if the study and gaze of mine has rent me.

do you know that language? its how it feels.

and so after a wonderful weekend and a reunion with my man, i’m just barely able to get out of bed.

and i do not dig it.

and the world is rushing in to my bubble and i feel vulnerable to all the things.

i do not dig.

i look back at my most recent journaling and it tells me what i know is necessary. practice. receiving. practice.

like get down on your knees and practice. literally do something uncomfortable, completely force the boundaries to stretch, make yourself sick with the twist, get down on your knees and open up that cracked up walnut chest and just sit there, exposed. because that is the practice that I have to do these days.  I don’t know what is coming, and I still have to do it and I don’t really know if I can, if I can brave that particular chill.

i’ve felt this call before and brushed it off. this need to immerse, to peel off the skin… to bulletize… to turn myself insides out. . . i’m not sure that brushing it off is serving me anymore and i’m intimidated .

and i’m still laughing, and able to laugh even while inviting new guy to watch kids baseball games and expose us to publicity of a sort… – – – i did that.

and i still feel like i need to take all my clothes off and walk into the blizzard.

what is this?

tell me. Unwifedmotherexpletive collage page Just Observe

 

 

 

Sam Hall encaustic with ribbon
Humanity

so, i’ve been away. details.

i wish i could show you all the details i have been seeing lately. with a curated swath of beautiful photos, dew on the grass, beautiful natural light showcasing the inner glow of a woman.

but, no, not really. that is evidently the strength given to others.  i’m much more of a mashup. my strengths mixing and matching my surroundings on any given day. and i’m tired. maybe just an adrenalin crash and an open door when its just *not quite* warm enough.

and still.

guys.

  • Sam Hall encaustic with ribbonthere is a guy.
  • i don’t want to be the girl who talks about a guy.
  • i’m not sure when i started thinking that women who talked about men were foolish, but i’ve gotten there.  i’m pretty sure its not valid thinking.
  • i’ve got 164 dollars in the bank, not counting a cd i got 4 years ago that i will not touch unless the house burns down and i need to shelter the kids from a storm.
  • i’m going to montreal this weekend. have a passport and a sister and mother who are driving it all. unless i drive some too, which i sure will offer to.
  • i’ve been given a gigantic bouquet of new friendships, and i can’t believe it, and its almost as remarkable as having a guy around. and maybe even more so, frankly.
  • i have developed a belief that nothing gold can stay.  this is causing problems. and might be a pervasive belief that i have a hard time unraveling from my daily life, if i can even do such a thing.
  • i’m tired and pretty happy but the tired brain has started to self-check all the things that are going on lately and that bitch is just not nice.
  • My kids keep telling me I have to get a real job. And I have a lot of feels about that. a whole lot of feels. and boy, do i feel a storm coming on.
  • i’ve remembered that bread, with butter and jam, is one of the finer things in life. toast, that is. toast.
  • there’s a lot more but i wanted to reach out and touch your face a little.

 

be back soon.

kate

 

artwork by Sam Hall.

Humanity

Red. and its a Full Moon, baby.

 

There is a lot of red in my life. and candy. and toys. and christmas still lingers. (will, all year.) and red, in the language of chakras… tells us to get down and dirty with your roots.  look at your stories, your family and what earths you, and unearths you. grab onto your precious self and dig deep.

Unwifedmotherexpletive gift tin says Know You Want It.

Did i mention it was a FULL MOON? Time to see whats working, what you need to shift, and what you can let go. . .